BETHAN IS DOING A BLOG

Eyyyyyyyy virgins. How goes it? Just took my sleeping pills. I gave in to it. I usually resist them because I’m CONVINCED I’m missing REALLY REALLY GREAT shows on Real Life such as motherfuckin life changing documentarys about lizards and that. Awww shiiiiyiiiit.

Guess what just occurred? An occurrence. It occurred it did. Had an occur.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

So there my sister is, all ‘BEFFAN FOR FUCKS SAKE TAKE THAT TEA TOWEL OFF YOUR HEAD AND STOP PRETENDING TO BE A SHEPHERD’ and I’m all ‘MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU REALISE THAT YOUR TOP’S ON INSIDE OUT’ and she’s all ‘MUUUUUUUUM, I’M TRYING TO DO MY WORK AND THIS LITTLE RETARD WON’T FUCK OFF’ and my mum’s all ‘Is it too late to get an abortion or two?!’

Anyway. My mum didn’t reaaally say that, but yeah, I was in an annoying mood, what can you do. So the mother dearest came to tell me off so what do I do? I pull my pants down and I moon her AND my sister, that’s what. This is what happened after that……

Mum: Bethan, you’re 18 in a couple of months, pull your trousers up.
Me: My rear wants to talk to you. He just wants to say hello! Say hello to him. Now.
Mum: For god’s sake I’m not gonna-
Me: YOU’RE UPSETTING HIM NOW SAY IT.
Mum: HELLO.
Me: Thanks.
Me: Mum do you think I’m gonna be a paedophile when I’m older?
Mum: Nope.
Me: Always good to know
Mum: You already fucking are.

Now I’m really really sad and I was all set to kill myself but then I remembered that it’s Monday tomorrow and there’s a double bill of coronation street, and well, I’d just be MAD to miss that SHIT. THAT SHIT HAS NORTHERNERS IN IT. FASCINATING CREATUREZZZZ.

I was meana be seeing hannah tomorrow. But that would mean getting up at five and with my brains, and my sense of all round goodness…. nope, wouldn’t make a difference, I’d still gladly take a life. Plural. I’d take a life…S. I’d fucking dig up michael jackson and bring him back to life just to kill him again.

Sleep well and remember – do NOT let your father smoke high amounts of cannabis around your bedroom as you’re growing up, or you’ll turn out like me, and only your celine dion voice and luscious locks will get you by in life.

Eat shit and die.