i got 99 problems...

You know those days when everything suddenly feels like it’s falling apart, like things were going great until reality hit and the stress sets in?

yea, I’m there right now.

It’s the same old, same old too. Money problems, human problems. I’m irritated cause I don’t have a job, a cell phone, and money to pay for school.

I know I want to do something in the Psychology field, helping kids both young and teenage, and I feel like anything is possible, but then I think about money and it’s like running into a brick wall.

Like I’m constantly getting pushed back down. I mean, I’m not poor but it’s not like I have any extra money lying around, ya know?

On top of that, I don’t have much time for anything these days.

I feel like a horrible person cause I don’t see my friends as often as I’d like. One of the worst things is that we all live pretty close to each other, but there’s just no time. I have my parents complaining that I go out too often-even though I actually DON’T’ so that’s a barrier. I have school and church and curfews and blah blah blah blah blah.

And though I know that they get it, I still feel fucked up.

I also feel like a horrible girlfriend cause my boyfriend recently told me he’s falling for me hard

(think LOVE)

and I’m over here like SHIT. Cause even though I really see a future with him, again, the whole time issue and non-cellphone thing means a lot of separation. Like, I only see him on the weekend for a few hours type thing. And sometimes not at all. I have to be content with phone conversations, which are great and all but it’s not the same as being with him.

On top of that, I’m not exactly the most lovey-dovey type person. I have my walls built up around me and though he’s slowly getting past them all it’s sort of hard to realize that FUCK…this is someone I could truly, truly LOVE.

I mean, I haven’t even reached the level he’s at. And I think, well I know, it stems from fear. I never saw myself as pretty or beautiful (a favorite of his and the one mainly used) or cute, or hot, or sexy, or whatever other words are out there

NO I’M NOT FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS.

I’ve just always felt like that awkward, ugly duckling type of girl. I still do. Even though I probably shouldn’t I can’t help but wonder how I got so lucky to have a guy like him. I’m scared he won’t want to stay with me though cause I did give him some…..limitations. So far, he’s been great with it all, but still. He’s 21, I’m 19.

Most days I’m just like FUCK OFF INSECURITIES but I’m human. I doubt myself.

I don’t know. I guess I’m just ranting. I thought maybe it would help but even as I type it’s not doing jack shit for me. Whatever. This storm will pass, and hopefully SOON. Or else I think I might lose my mind.

.........sushi and shrimp tempura sound pretty good right now. writing makes me hungry.............