1st-11th Grade-School seemed like a fun place at first but now look at what you’ve become.

This is sorta like a vent but I wanted to see if anyone could relate and know what I'm talking about. Sorry for it being so long. Ignore it if you want.

Here you are, welcome the world as soon as you mother gives birth to you.

You grow up and every family member that saw you would say how adorable you are, how big you've gotten. "Mommy/Daddy! I want to go to school!" Listen to you. You're only 4 years old and you're already begging to go to school. You saw it as a fun place to go to every weekday. You saw it as a place to make friends. You're so smart and ready to learn new things.

They sign you up. You go to school and see new faces. Different people, all shapes and sizes. Different smiles, different personalities. Different everything. You get excited for the first day of 1st grade. You're so confident to make friends for the first time. "Hi my name is-" "Oh, I love this color" "I like your name." You're starting off simple how to make friends.

Second grade, you get a little taller. You're still trying to make friends, people who are just like. You still find school as amusing the first year you started. Teachers being nice to you but the students on the other hand was sorta say changing.

Third grade... I'm not so sure of this place. Tell mommy and/or daddy to walk you to the bus stop but hear them argue. Never mind, have you sibling take you. Enter the school and you start to see the difference. How you're not like the others. How you're not skinny like them, smart like them, act like them. But you shove aside all that and go with the saying "Everyone's different in their own way."

Fourth grade.. You're getting bigger, you're growing up so well. You no longer see mommy around the house cause daddy couldnt put up with her shit anymore. You're sad, you think it's all your fault. Wait, it is. "This is your fault" screams your mother. You go to this new year at school. You don't even feel excited about being here, only 25% happy to be attending. You're going through things at your home. She's more attactive than me. Her ahir is longer than mine. What does she has that I dont?

Fifth grade. You made friends, claps for you. They're even friends that said they will be with you no matter what. Smile, smile, and smile again. Even if Daddy doesnt approve of you being gay. Even if mommy is not around as much. Even if this is the start of the year when they pick on you. Brace yourself, here comes a new set of words you've never heard before: Fat, Ugly, worthless, a waste, and so one. Someone taps on your shoulder "AYE! She/he wants to out with you!" said the person to their one friend. That person's friend made a disgusted face. "Hell no! Ew!"

What did you do? You did nothing to them, you didnt even look their way? Why mess with you if you did nothing wrong? Did you forgot what you look like. A pudgy, fat girl with short hair. Walking home in the winter was the worst. It's always fun to have kids curse and call you hurtful names while throwing snowballs at you. They once spit on you, stole from you. One day, you couldnt take the words, their actions anymore. Run home, Run as fast as you can home. Crying.

This place you thought was a fun place to be is starting to become hell. You're home alone, sulk in your tears. Dad come home to see his red eyed child sitting in the bed room. "Are you alright?" and then this is where you learn to hide and how to lie. "I'm fine." you say. And it starts there. You didnt want to tell him what happened at school or walking home cause you didnt want him to worry. So you lie and say you're okay. It was a white lie, it wouldnt cause trouble.

Six grade, it was the same but the words got a bit out of hand. You walk in class, they all laugh. You walk down the hall, they'd laugh. Talk, raise your hand, laugh, laugh laugh. You're a joke now. *Cough cough* (Yeah it was a fake cough) "Daddy, I'm sick. Too sick to go to school." You keep this game up, making about 43 excuse absents for being "sick"

Seventh grade was the same as 5-6. It was an constant situation. You played sick but dad thinks you was doing it cause you simple didnt like school, be be lazy. No, you did it to get away. One day you get called fat, pushed down the stairs, joked at. Everything bad was happening. You've been crying over every word that hurt you, everything these kids did to you. You've been holding in you emotions. Now it's time to let it out, In the worst way possible. Self harm. You rush in the school's bathroom, unscrew the bolt to loosen the blade. You cut for the first time. You were scared, alone and the first cut you did was deep across your arm. You didnt feel anything. The only thing you felt was numbness, you felt all your problems drift aside. Did you just smile?

Eight grade, you got a bit careless. Somebody made fun of you *cuts arm*. Somebody bumped into you and said something hurtful *Cuts arm* Mom yells at you *cuts* Dad say-*cut* Kids at scho-*cuts, cuts, cuts*

Ninth grade. Remember when you said school was going to be fun when you was little? How is it treating you now. You need to stop cutting but your closes friends leaves you, tell you that can't deal with your problems. Welcome to high school where your insecurities are at it's best. Her ass is bigger than mind, her eyes are perfect. Skinny gap or her tits are perfect. She have more going on that you do. You've lost weight and you've grown so well, but no longer with pure skin. Scars that litters your body is now a part of you forever or for a long time period. You saw yourself different now. You believe in everything they told you years back and till this very day. You see yourself as this fat, worthless, ugly joke. You're not a beautiful and that happy cheesy smile you did growing up has faded. It went to a ear to ear smile, dimple to dimple, corner to corner, a straight line, corner of your lips going downward, to a depressing frown.

What happen to you? Weren't you happy? When did you fall? Oh, You started to fall when you thought school was a cool place to be. It was at first but now look at you.

You find yourself in this cycle of self harm: Something that is bother you or something harmful that was said to you> cuts your self> wake up feeling guilty for what you did to your body with a blade> cuts because of guilt train.

Tenth grade, You start to beg for help to get better but no one cares. Ask mommy or daddy? No, you told them you're fine and that nothing is wrong. But this was the year you made REAL friends. In the middle of these school year, you made 4 close, REAL friends. You became so close, you even told them about you self harming and your troubles. Fear that they might wall up and leave, they stay. They relate to you, share their stories and scars as well. You find out you're not alone.

This is the year where you literally down yourself in the music world. You started to find a health release than a blade. You're smiling once again.

Eleventh grade, you're still slipping but you have friends to help you up. "I cut both tights" you confess, your friend hugs you then smacks you across the face playfully. "You're better than this, try to fight harder" Concert concerts and more concerts to be a better pain release. No one understands why band can make one happy and feel better.

You made new, real, trustworthy friends. Not a lot but hey. 4 is enough for you. Your self harm rate has went down but you still struggle and slip up and that's okay. You still think you're a joke, ugly, and so one. Eh, one of these days you will find yourself, your beauty. Just not now because of how your mind is working.

You've been bullied, you've been blamed, you've been cutting yourself, and now you're learning to repair yourself to be happy. You're not strong? Well, you're breathing right now, so that says enough.

You have one more year to go of their bullshit, then you'll never have to see the ones that bullied you ever again.