People wonder why my head's messed up - well here's a few reasons!

I used to be super self conscious about my body image, so I used to not be comfortable in whatever I wore. But since I discovered band merch, I've been a lot happier in my clothes. I feel good when I walk out the house, which used to never happen. But the problem is my family. They're not super negative or anything, but they don't understand.

Nearly everything I wear on the top half (like t-shirts, hoodies, jumpers) is for guys. Mainly because the best band merch is for men but also because I'm just more comfortable in clothes that aren't that revealing. I like tops with a high neck and that are baggy. I have a pretty big chest that I don't really want to be showing off so really baggy t-shirts are what makes me comfortable. Now, not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with being gay, two of my close friends are, but my mum and my dad have both asked me if I was. I said not, and they actually seemed genuinely surprised. I asked my mum why she thought so (my dad lives in Devon and I don't speak to him that often so I didn't want to really discuss it with him) and she replied saying that it was because of the clothes I wear. I've got to say, it did offend me that just because I wore boy's clothes that they automatically accused me of being gay.

I also used to be self conscious about my weight. I'm not saying I'm obese, but I am not thin by a long shot. A few months ago, I decided to start being more body positive, because after all, if I'm happier with myself it will show on the outside. My sister, who's seventeen, made some comment about how she wanted to loose weight. I told her that she shouldn't be worried about it, because people won't care what she looks like as long as she's happy with herself. She replied with something like "that's just what fat people say when they don't want to deal with the problem". I was really offended, and I told her that I was trying to be more body positive. So she changed the freaking subject. I think it upset me more that my sister thinks that she has to loose weight to get people to like her.

Then there's my step dad. Oh boy. He's downright told me a good few times that I should wear girls clothes and act more girly. He nearly always makes a comment about my outfit if we leave the house as a family, it's normally something like "do you actually think you look good in that?". The worse thing is no one will say anything to him about it. If I try and say something, I'll just be brushed off. I know it's just one person but it does offend me. He thinks that I should dress 'girly'. I honestly think he would be happiest if I wore vagina long skirts and a vest, just so I fit his idea of what a girl should look like.

He also makes a lot of comments about the music I listen to; like it's just screaming, or that it's not appropriate (for God's sake I'm 20!), that it isn't normal.

Well according to him, nothing I do is normal. He doesn't think it's normal that I prefer being in the house than outside. No matter how many times I've told him that I get really socially anxious he just doesn't seem to believe me. I even went to the doctors and was prescribed medication to cope with panic attacks, but he still doesn't believe me. I casually mention around him that I have friends on the internet, and he tells me that they aren't real people. I tell him that I want to be a writer, he tells me it isn't a real job. The last thing I can think of is that he literally sulked with me for like a month because I got a tattoo. I was 19 when I got it, and I paid for it. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT?

Rant over.