The Lost of Sisterhood.

I don’t even know how to put what I feel into words. I know that I feel betrayed. Hurt, very hurt. Maybe I feel a little at blame, too. Because maybe if I had paid more attention to my sister, I wouldn’t feel so lonely and broken right now. I know that she is literally 10 minutes from me, but the fact still remains—she doesn’t want me, or even my family around her. For some unforgivable reason, she hates us. And she’s not even crying about it.

For someone who says you’re their best friend for forever and always, forever really seemed like a short time. My sister is a year younger than me—but only, she’s not just my sister but my best friend. I pictured her by my side in every moment that made me happy—from my wedding day, to the day I have my first baby. She was right there beside me for every one of them.

But now, to picture her not beside me it’s so hard. I should have seen behind the lies, should have listened to her when she begged me not to go away for a week. I should have stayed home at least a couple days at most, to talk to her, to see how things were going.

And I should have known that my cousin was in fact telling the truth. I should have known that she was going to hit rock bottom and run from it. But who was I to know? With my first year of college, I was busy having fun and making friends. I was doing the school work that I loved and that I didn’t love. I paid more attention to my friends when they cried for help, rather than my best friend who so clearly cried for me.

And my parents tell me it’s not my fault that she ran off, that my biological father had somehow “brain washed” her into believing what she thinks. I should have known that my father was behind her every move, which he lied to me when he called.

And to think that she was my sister when she told my father I was an alcoholic—I barely even drink! Jesus Christ, I have never gotten drunk!

I should have gone after her anyways, even when she begged me not to. I should have stopped her in CVS when we ran into each other. I shouldn’t have let the fact that she ignored me get to me. I don’t understand what it is I, or my family, is going through.

I lost my best friend, but she’s really just 10 minutes down the street from me. And they tell me not to message her, to tell her how I feel, but every day I think of her and it crushes me. I feel like I can’t breathe. And when something amazing happens, I immediately want to run to her and tell her what had happened, or what didn’t happen.

Becky, she was the only constant in my life. The only one I can remember. Not my mother, nor my father….but my little sister. She was beside me all the time.

And now I need to realize she isn’t going to be that constant anymore. So who will it be now?

I mean it when I say I will never forgive my biological father—I may have been his little girl before, but now I see him for who he really is and his girlfriend now will see that. His new “daddy’s girl” will see it, too. And she won’t have anyone else to run to but me. Should I turn my back again, or should I welcome with open arms? Because, I think, that this is where the problems lies.

Will I accept her back into my life, and will she?

Big mess here. I’m sorry if you read this and you’re just like, what the fuck? I needed to get something out.