shouting at ghosts!!! rest in peace nicholas shawn chaffee

well nick my life is officially falling apart at the seams. my marraige is falling apart and honestly its because i really don't love him like i should. don't get me wrong hes a great guy but it's just not there. and now i went and brought a baby into this whole mess i love her to death but its just some things that i cant handle. i've been cutting again i kno you dont like that you never did, hell i remember you crying over it once back when we were dateing you said you couldn't belive that i would want to hurt myself and that you couldn't understand how i couldn't see just how b-e-a utiful i was and what i was doing to myself.but nick you were wrong i'm not beautiful on the inside all i want to do is make my outside match my inside. because now that your gone my inside is nothing but a dark torrent of pain. why couldn't you fight it i know you were in alot of pain but you still could have fought for my sake. i still need you damnnit, you were supposed to come back and fix everything and make all the hurt go away. you fucking promised you'd keep me safe from anything that would hurt me. but no you went away and now your gone when i need you the most i fucking need you and your gone your just gone. you were my everything, you kept me sane, you were my protector. well geuss what the evil bastard who has torment my nightmares my whole life is free and your not here to rescue me, you fucking promised. wjhy did you have to die why couldn't you let me say goodbye damnnit why did you have to go. it's just not fair i need you more than anything and your not here.
and it hurts, so much of me died with you that now i might as well be empty inside, dammnit nick i never even got to say goodbye. or tell you that i still love you, and that i made a huge mistake i should have just moved down there like we had planned it wouldnt have mattered if i was sleeping in the streets so long as i had you. and now your gone and i will never be able to fix the void you left in my soul. you don't know how bad i just want to end my own life just so i wont have to live in this world without you. its so hard for me even to come to this page anymore, to see your pictures to hold your shirt and smeel you all over it still and know that i'll never hold you ever again. i feel like a little row boat that got lost in the ocean, and the ocean os my pain and let me tell you something babe this row boat is sinking fast. come back to me please.
brooklynn lenore