This time, I'm looking at NeonAbyss's Beaten and Rebuilt.
Usually this is where I put in a picture of the banner, but the story doesn't have a layout or banner. Personally, I highly recommend adding a layout to this story. It would make it seem more personal and it would immediate draw the reader in. I always look at the banner before anything else, so when there isn't a layout, I immediate just think about how there isn't one.
Now having one makes the story seem generic and I know that it turns a lot of people away from the story, no matter how well written it seems. If you don't know how to make one, I'm sure someone else would be willing to help you or do it for you. I'd even make one for you if you want.
As for the summary, it doesn't give away too much and there isn't much detail about what's going to happen. I would like to see a bit more detail on the "homosexual couple". You could give their names and a few details about their relationship before you mention their friends. That would bring more life into the story and make it more interesting. Also, you could describe how the man seems familiar.
As it stands right now, I don't see anything in the summary that would really draw anyone into the story. There's no "wow" factor (or as my 4th grade teacher would say, "pizzazz").
In the first chapter, I noticed that you have a lot of statement. Example: "It was Monday morning. I was awoken from a heavy sleep to the sound of my alarm clock." Instead you could combine the two to make it flow better. "It was a Monday and despite being a heavy sleeper, I was awoken by the sound of my alarm clock." Use the mention of an alarm clock lets the reader know that it's morning, so that doesn't have to be explained.
“Down boy! You don’t wanna risk biting me…again,” he frowned and I sighed.
"Babe I'm sorry."
There were a few grammatical errors in the section above. First of all, "he frowned" isn't a speech tag, so you need to end the dialogue with a period and capitalize "he". Secondly, you want to keep each person's actions with their speech. So you want to keep "Babe, I'm sorry" with the rest. Here's how it should be all together:
"Down boy! You don't want to risk biting me again." He frowned at my words which caused me to sigh. "Babe, I'm sorry," I added. Note the comma after "Babe". You really need to keep the speech with each person's actions. It gets really confusing when it's not. The reader will be unaware of who's doing what and who's saying what.
I also noticed the heavy lack of description. It's like there's an empty room around the guys. They're laying in bed, but the sheets aren't described, the pillows. There's no reference to the light outside or why Alexander can just go back to bed after his alarm goes off. Nothing is described. Heck, even describe Jayden's boxers when he gets out of bed. With that, describe his skin tone, his hair color, the way he looks at his husband and the emotions they feel when they realize that they're being watched and their friends are kidnapped.
Just describe it all.
In chapter too, it's a lot of the same. There's no speech, so there's no issues with that, but the description is lacking (the outside, the walk, their friends, each other). Also, the practical questions come to mind. Why didn't they call the cops? Why would they walk to a place where their friends were being tortured? If they were passed out, how did Alexander what himself being dragged around?
Also, the semi-colons aren't being used correctly, so I suggest you look over the semi-colon rules and re-evaluate using them so often and the way you do.
Chapter four had me confused. I didn't know that Jayden was some kind of thingy (werewolf?). Besides mentioning his pointy teeth in the first chapter, this is never explained.
Chapter six is honestly much better. There's structure and that makes all the different. The speech is kept with the action more often than not, which makes it so much easier to read. You can actually get into the story rather than spending your time trying to figure out what is going on.
I did notice that you're still using commas in place of conjunctions. "Geo and Kiro were both awake, I looked over at them and although I was in so much pain, I stood up."
This would flow much better somewhat more like this: "I looked over at Geo and Kiro and saw that they were both awake, so even though I was in so much pain, I stood up."
In chapter 7, there was only one little thing that bothered me. When Jayden is in the ambulance, he started humming to himself. Would be really be relieved enough to hum? I mean, he doesn't even know how the poison affected Alexander.
Wow, I wasn't really expecting chapter 8 to be the end. There was so much that wasn't explained or wrapped up. I don't really know how they went from being kidnapped to talking about adopting a child. There wasn't really much direction.
I would probably give this story two stars.
Overall, there's a lot lacking from this story. I know that if you fix it up and follow the tips I typed above it can be a pretty good story. With any story this short, there's going to be a struggle to fit in everything that it takes to make a story great.
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