The one I'm reviewing today is called Pennigale Penitentiary and it's by Synthian.
The banner is actually a .gif from the Seize the Day video by Avenged Sevenfold. It's where Matt gets arrested for robbing a grocery store with his friends and they cut his lip ring off and make him get naked! (;
I actually like the layout. The simple cartoon-ish fence background keeps it from feeling too cluttered with the moving banner and Matt's beautiful (but glum) face.
But ugggghhh. I'm really not a fan of authors writing as band members in first person. I don't mind first person original characters or third person all around, but writing in first person as a band member is so hard because you have to know the band so well to know what they're thinking, not only what they're saying.
I know you have to know all that when writing in third person, but it's different. There's a narrator in there who can word things differently than the actual band member would. It doesn't have to be so spot on to seem realistic.
When I finished the summary, I'm pleased that it switched back to third person. I'm hoping it stays in third and doesn't switch around as I'm reading (another pet-peeve of mine is when authors change POVs during the story).
So the story is in first person as Matt! Anyways, by the second chapter I haven't seen any grammatical errors or found spots where the wording was off. So good job! It seems like you took the time to go back through and edit the chapters, which shows that you really care about the work that you're putting out there.
One thing I did notice however; is that you used the wrong verb. "Bright neon shoe prints was painted" It should be "were" instead of "was" because the prints are plural!
"Look up." A big burly black guard said. . ." There are two things that need to be changed about this! First, there should be a comma after "up" and "A" should be lowercase. (I actually see this issue quite a few times through out, so make sure you go back and change that!) Also, there need to be some commas between your adjectives. ". . .a big, burly, black guard said. . ."
[i}"I guessed that everybody were in their cells." While "everybody" refers to multiple people, it should be "was" instead of "were" because "everybody" refers to the inmates as a whole. "I guessed that everybody was in their cells."
In chapter five, I don't really understand how the female guard just assumes that Matt didn't do anything wrong. He's in prison for murder, he just choked someone out in the bathroom, he just got sent to the hospital ward, and after all that she can tell that he didn't kill anyone?
There just needs to be a little something more there, some way of her inferring that.
I get that Matt's supposed to be angry all the time, but every time he talks it's very short and the sentences are very definite. He says this. He says that. He did this. He did that. It keeps the story from flowing smoothly.
WHY THE HECK WOULD MATT WANNA STAY?
Sorry. I can't even.. just. No. Plus, you can't stay in prison if you're found innocent. It's not a hotel. There are no options! (or even in a mental hospital).
Overall, this is a pretty good story! While there isn't a whole lot of description (it's a prison, I know. It's bland!) and some parts are a little unrealistic (him wanting to stay} there are some good parts ("You cut your hair!"). After falling in love with the show Prison Break, I have really high expectations for prison stories because PB was so phenomenal.
I'd give this story three stars because it's really hard to portray a living person and you do it pretty well, it's hard to create an entire story inside a prison (there are so many things that can't be written about and only so many people), and the story reads easily, despite a few wrong verbs and capitalizations.
It's not five stars because there isn't a lot of excitement and things seem to "just happen". There wasn't a lot of build up between the female guard and Matt (no tension, no worry about getting caught, etc.) and I think that if there would've been tension there, it would've brought a lot to the story!
I'd recommend this story to anyone who likes forbidden romance, fights, a little humor from Matt to Brian, and some mellow (literally) drama! This story is really interesting and shows what prison would be like if it (and the inmate) was completely insane.
Note - Reviews are taking awhile to get done because I've been busy, but the shorter stories are being reviewed first.