Nicole's Funeral

I just got home from attending Nicole's Funeral. The Church was so beautiful and very bright just like she was. There were a lot of people there which was so nice to see but also kind of scared me.

It was a wonderful service, amazing words were said about her. Everything said was just right to be said that was reassuring.

I saw a friend of mine there, Gabe, with his mother. We didn't speak but I know he saw me. I also saw another kind of friend there, Ginger Ethan, (We refer to him as Ginger Ethan because he is a ginger and we know more then one Ethan) he smiled at me as he was leaving with his mother but we didn't share any words. For that I was kind of thankful of. I was on the edge of tears. I didn't see anyone else there I knew, I'm not sure if I'm thankful or disappointed by that.

Nicole most always had people in her home, Nic's friends and Tres's friends. Almost every day after school we would go to Nic's house. She always made us food and offered us anything we needed at all. I'm confused as to why none of those other kids would want to go to pay their respects for her kindness she showed them.

The worst part, well hardest part, was when they escorted the casket down the middle isle of the Church with the family following behind. I saw Nic as soon as he stood from his chair and in that moment I fought back tears harder then I ever think I have in my entire life. As Nic got closer I know he saw me, how couldn't he. He looked at me I'd look at him and then I'd look down at his little brother Tres in front of him and he would look away from me at the walls, the floor, of any where that couldn't catch an eye.

As soon as I saw Tres I really really wanted to cry. The poor boy was wearing a neck brace thing and a suit. He looked so cute but so miserable. I let out a few tears but looked up to the ceiling to blink them away before Nic got any closer and could see them.

When he was only a few steps away from me we were looking right at each other. I almost starting crying but I couldn't let him see me break down when he was keeping himself together. I smiled as best as I could at him not sure if I should wave, nod my head, or what. He nodded his head slightly at me and gave me a millisecond smile thing, but that was good enough for me.

After, my mom asked if I wanted to go to cemetery or if I wanted to stay for the reception all I could do would was shrug. She said something about me talking to Nic and again I shrugged. I want to talk to Nic but every time I think about him I start to cry. Right now I'm crying. When I thought about seeing him again and actually talking to him I nearly had a panic attack and I cried into my mother's shoulder for a few minutes. I can't face him no matter how much I want to.

Tonight is a memorial for Samson, I'm going for sure but Nic will be there and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't want to have a panic attack and start crying in front of all of my friends, maybe that's what I need though. I don't want that though. I'm hoping I can hold myself together and that there will be a bathroom or somewhere I can run to if I need to cry.

I feel like throwing up while I am crying, all these feelings scare me.