Samson's Memorial

I got back home from Samson's memorial a few hours ago. It was nice. The building it was at was so beautiful and so was the outside. It was very much full of nature and life and I love that about the place. I got to see friends that otherwise ignore me and that was fun while it lasted. Pretending that we are still the closes of friends could never be any better.

I had a good time there. I didn't cry all that much threw the speeches and stuff but I did cry enough. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be though everyone else was crying and that made me feel a bit more at ease to cry.

I talked to Nic's father, Carlos. Well my mother and I both did I could never just go up and talk to him myself, after all of the failed conversations I have tried with that man. He was nice today though and it made me feel like he actually cared. My mother always embarrassed me when ever we talk with adults. She told Carlos that were there this morning at Nicole's funeral, but we didn't stay for the cemetery or reception because I couldn't handle it. It was embarrassing by Carlos looked like he actually cared about that. That he actually cared that I couldn't not cry about Nicole. I'm glad to have gotten something out of him though.

I have a picture of Samson I got from the memorial, I'm not sure where to put it but I am going to put it somewhere. I think I'm going to take it to school with me so I can keep it at my desk. I want people to ask me about him. I want to be able to tell them all how amazing he is and how bright he is. I am an attention seeker but that's only because I am the oldest of 6, the only time I get alone with my parents is never. There's always another kid more important then me. I also want to be able to show Samson off. Telling them all that he is my friend, that I know him, that I am there for him and I will never forget him. I don't want to ever forget his smile.

I talked to Nic. Kind of sorta not really. He has a slutty girlfriend that no offense to her but needs to go to a store and buy clothes that don't let the thighs show or her hardly there boobs show out. Especially for a memorial of your friend that died. He gave me a few hugs though but he never really said anything to me. I just really want to punch him in the face, tackle him to the ground and smash my fist into him until he notices me, until he cares about me. Not ever as more then a friend but at least a friend. I was the person that helped him figure out the way to walk to his house the first day he had to walk. When he was new to the school and hardly had any friends. I am the only one who spends time to say hi to little brother. I am the only one that actually like his little action figures that he makes and paints. I am the only one that gives a real shit about that boy and he doesn't even care. Because I'm not tall and handsome with money. Because I don't have two big boobs that pop out more then the achene on his face. You know I'm one of the only ones that doesn't say anything about the shit on his face. I don't understand why he hates me so much when I'm the only one that would break him free from the train tracks with a train speeding a few feet away. I wish he would just at least pretend like he cares, especially for all that I have done for him and his mom and his brother.

I miss Nicole, I miss Samson. I can't stop crying inside and wanting to just die because no one seems to care about me. I care about all of them though and no matter how horrible they are to me that will never change.