After tonight I'm just done. My roomie's boyfriend has been pushing for me hard to go for this guy on his hockey team. A guy who I actually have a crush on. Tonight, two of my teammates tried wingmanning for me. Basically, everything crashed and went up in a glorious set of flames. He told my roomie's boyfriend that he's not interested. Cool.
Can't say I'm surprised.
Long story short, "I'm not interested in her like that" could be a brief description of my life here. The guy I was with for two years? Yeah, he died. Checked out on me. Guy after that? Lost interest. Guy after that? Moved away to fucking Maine and wasn't down for the whole long distance relationship thing.
When it comes down to it, apparently I don't offer a lot. My friends say I'm pretty--but that's what they're supposed to say. And every girl is pretty in her own way. I'm also awkward and far too sassy with a lame ass sense of humor. I'm a klutz. I can be bossy. I'm stubborn. I have baggage.
I'm not saying this is the end of the world, because it isn't. What I am saying is that I'm done. Anytime I have interest in anybody, it ends badly. Either I fuck up or they turn out to be an asshole. What I know is that I can't handle that. As much as I want someone to call mine, someone who I can give my love to, I know that my luck right now isn't awesome. Right now I'm figuring shit out by myself. And honestly that's probably the way it's going to be a for long time.
What I've learned so far is that a lot of people are scared of people like me. Girls with baggage, girls who speak their mind. I'm done trying to take the initiative with guys. Maybe someday I'll find that someone for me. A person who appreciates my sass and loves my cheesy jokes and can handle me on days where all I see is endless darkness (ie: the 9th of any month). But that's not happening now. Right now I get to spend days losing myself in my homework or my writing or my books because, unlike my roommate or all of my three other best friends, I don't have a significant other to take me on a date. And that sucks. Because I am a romantic. I love that cute stuff. But I'm not there.
Maybe someone will deem me as worth their time. Maybe not. In the meantime, I'm done trying for them. I'm done chasing. Fuck that. If I don't find someone, I'll just travel the world. To hell with the old cat lady phrase. I'll own a dog. I'll see the world. I'll have adventures. So what if I'm a solo traveler. Maybe that's all I'm meant to be--a solo traveler.
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