At the request of another member, I am posting the first few chapters of an old story I wrote back in 2002. There used to be a thriving GGD Fanfic forum, but alas, it is no longer there :(. If you like what you read please comment and I will upload more chapters. Please note, I wrote this a very long time ago when I was young. There are MANY errors, grammatical and otherwise, that I just don't have the time or will to change. I just know how frustrating it can be to want to read fanfic from a certain genre and being unable to find anything. With that said, enjoy!
Title: Too Young, Too Late
Author: Dizzy
Rating: R
Summery: A story from the younger days of the GGD. John stumbles on to a very young, very pregnant girl and has to help her. Who knew she was exactly what he wanted and needed, but not everything is Happily Ever After.
Chapter 1
It was just so cold. She didn’t know what to do. He had been there a moment before. He said he would be waiting for her. Everything was probably fine. He had probably just gone for gas. That’s it. He went to get gas and he was coming back any minute. She had just stopped inside the liquor store for a moment while she got some food. He had to be close by. She was just going to sit here until he came back. God, it was so cold. She gently pulled her thin jean coat tighter around her. The car had been so warm with the heater going, but out in the chilled wind her hands were frozen and the coat barely stretched over her protruding belly.
>>>>>>
The last chords of the wailing guitar blared through the speakers and into the empty bar. There was silence for a moment and then the sound of equipment being disassembled. A man with long brown hair that hung in his eyes jumped off the stage and headed to the bar.
“Hey, Mitch. Two beers and one Vodka & Tonic.” He said to the bar keep.
“Sure thing, Robby.” Mitch reached down under the bar and grabbed two Coors. He was about to start making the Vodka & Tonic when a voice rang out.
“No need, Mitch! I need to get goin’.” A blond, slightly tall man walked up to the bar. His wayward hair hung in his crisp blue eyes. “Man, no rest for the wicked.”
“Where ya have to be that’s so important you can’t stop to have a drink, John?” Robby’s whined in his tight, nasally voice that was somehow pleasant and playful.
“Glady’s got me baby-sitting for an hour while she goes out to her friends wedding shower. Then I got to meet Laurie. She has me doing the whole ‘meet and greet’ with her folks.” John sighed as he gently placed his guitar in its case, taking great care to secure it in place.
“Oooo…you sound happy.” Robby chuckled as John slung the strap to his guitar case over his shoulder.
“Yeah…over joyed.” John rolled his eyes as he headed for the door.
“Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.” Robby’s voice took a dramatic slant as he bent over the bar, pretending to cry his beer.. “I’m sure Georgie here can spare some time to share a little drink.” George had since sat down on the barstool next to Robby and started to nurse the Coors that had been ordered for him. Robby gently laid his head down on the drummer’s shoulder.
“Get off of me you reject.” George shoved Robby playfully. In a moment, Robby had lost his balance and toppled off the stool. The two broke into a chorus of laughter. John just shook his head and sighed as he turned to leave.
“Your weird. I’ll see ya guys later.” He was soon out into the chilled Buffalo night. He rushed to the curb where he had parked his truck and stuffed his guitar into the rear of the cab. Reaching into his coat pocket he fished out his keys. He may not have had his license, but that hadn’t stopped him from driving when he was 13 and it wouldn’t stop him now, when he was 20.
Walking to the other Side of the car when he noticed movement out of the corner of his eye. Turning he realized it was a young girl wandering along the Sidewalk as if she were lost. Her eyes were wide with a mixture of shock and confusion. He could tell that she was freezing. The thin jean jacket that she wrapped tight around her couldn’t have been very thick and most definitely not very warm. It was weird, he thought, the jacket didn’t seem to fit right. Putting his car keys back into his pocket he approached her. She seemed to stare past him, as if she didn’t see him coming towards her. Finally, standing in front of her, she shyly turned her gaze upwards to him, even then it was only as if she only half noticed him standing there.
“Hey, you ok?” His voice was gentle voice, coaxing almost, as if not to startle her. Her eyes were now staring into his, their intense blue wide with fright and unshed tears.
“Umm…I…I don’t know.” Was all she could say. Her voice was small and cracked. John could hear the hitch in her breathing and knew that she must have been crying.
“What’s wrong? Are you lost?” John asked as she just stared back at him with those ghostly pale blue eyes.
“He said he would wait out there for me…I was only inside for a moment…and then he was gone…” She mumbled as she broke her gaze with him.
“Who?” John asked as he placed a friendly hand on her shoulder.
“Jim. He…he…he’s my boyfriend.” She started to cry, hot tears spilling down her rosy cheeks. She suddenly clutched the jean jacket tighter around her a John noticed for the first time why the jacket looked so snug. She had to be at least 5 months pregnant. He stood there for a moment, not knowing where to go from there. In the midst of her crying he saw her shiver and suddenly became aware once again of the temperature. Going through the many pregnancies of his sisters, John knew that this cold couldn’t be good for her or the baby. She seemed to be too shocked to realize what was going on, so John took the initiative to get her someplace warm. Across the street he spotted Mandy’s Café. It was old but had good food and good service.
“You want to go get some coffee or hot chocolate or somethin’?” John asked as he saw her shiver again.
“I..ahh...” She started, John saw her visibly tense.
“Come on. Nice public place, you can get warm. You shouldn’t be out in the cold like this.” John hated pressuring the girl, but he couldn’t leave her out there like that.
“I guess…ok.” She said quietly. John smiled and walked them across the street. He opened the Café door for her and immediately a burst of warm air engulfed the half frozen couple. He directed her to a small booth in the corner. The perfect place to be seen, but not heard.
“Hey, Johnny boy! What do you and your little lady friend here want tonight?” A blond waitress in her mid thirties approached them, cracking here gum in time with the sway of her hips. Her eyes had small wrinkles in the corners and her blue eye shadow contrasted sharply with her bright pink lips.
“Umm, I’ll have a cup of coffee and she’ll have...” he drawled the last word leaving ample time for her to make a decision.
“Nothing for me thanks.” She said timidly to the woman that stood in front of her. Her eyes fixed on the napkin in front of her.
“Go on. Have a hot chocolate. It’s on me.” He smiled at her, and felt better when he saw her shoulders slacken a bit. “Got that, Mandy?”
“Yep. A hot chocolate and a cup of joe! Comin’ right up.” She turned on her heel and started towards the kitchen.
“Don’t forget the marshmallows!” He yelled to her as she walked away.
“Do I ever?” She yelled back as she passed through the swinging doors.
John turned back to the girl who was still fixing her gaze on the napkin before her. A few inches shorter then he was, she had long blondish-brown hair that was pulled back into a loose ponytail, her eyes were a pleasant light blue. He looked at what she was wearing. It was the typical style for teenagers in the 80’s, except the fact her pants were made for expectant mothers. She had on beat up old white Reebok sneakers, a pair of stone washed maternity jeans and a Mickey Mouse shirt, tucked in with red suspenders, and of course her jean jacket. She may have been pregnant, but she couldn’t deny her age.
Their drinks arrived and John thought that it would be a good time to bring up what was happening. Maybe he could help her find whoever or whatever she was looking for.
“I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I’m John Rzeznik.” He said with a big grin, his unruly blond hair flopping into his eyes.
“Sydney Beck.” She replied quietly.
“Where ya from?” He asked as Mandy sat there hot, steaming drinks in front of them.
“I was from Oregon, but I was headed towards New York with…” She trailed off and he could see her eyes welling up with tears again. John quickly changed the subject.
“So how old are you? 17? 18?” John threw out.
“I’ll be 16 in December.”
“Your 15!” He almost shouted.
“I…I’ll be 16 next month.” She said reasoningly.
“God. 15. That’s too young.” He mumbled to himself. “15 year-olds running away to New York”
“Jim was 18.” She said taking a sip of her hot chocolate. No doubt, he thought, this was a really cool thing to her and her friends a couple months ago. It wasn’t so cool now.
“Why were you going to New York?” He could see that she was becoming a little less emotional, more comfortable with him and his questions.
“We…we couldn’t stay in Oregon. So he thought he would get a job on a soap opera or on TV, and I would just stay at home with…Jim jr. Well I’m not naming him that now.” She said bitterly stirring her drink and watching the tiny marshmallows dissolve into nothing.
“Why couldn’t you stay in Oregon?” He asked curiously.
“Well…I…Umm…I don’t wanna talk about it.” She stuttered. “Thank you for buying this for me.” He had definitely asked the wrong question. She started to pick up her jacket, which she had taken off when they sat down. She awkwardly started to move out of the booth, but John grabbed her hand before she could get up.
“Wait. Where are you going to go? Do you have a place to stay tonight?” John couldn’t let her go back out into that cold without a place to go.
“Umm…I…no.” She said as she turned her back to him.
“You know what. Come with me. I know a place that you can stay.” He got up and pulled her to her feet.
“I don’t know.” She started.
“I can’t leave you here and if your only family is in Oregon, you’ll need somewhere to stay until you can get back there.” John said as he set a five on the table, “No funny business. I promise.” He cajoled. She gave him a slight smile, which he took for the closest thing to trust he would get.
“I…All right.” She didn’t want to argue anymore. She was cold and tired and the thought of a nice warm bed was incredibly appealing. John smiled and lead her back out to the truck. He started the truck and cool blasts of air came blaring out at them.
“Oh, shit, sorry. It’ll take a few minutes for the car to warm up.” He said as he turned the blowers down to low.
“Where are we going?” The question had been bugging her since she had said she would go with him.
“Well, I thought that you could stay with my sister. I have to go there anyway and she is always ready to help someone in need.” He chuckled. They sat there for the rest of the drive not talking. There was nothing to talk about.
Chapter 2
“We’re here.” John said as he pulled the truck into the driveway of a neat, white house. The small lawn was covered in a thick layer of snow, and two snowmen sat in the middle of it. She followed John hesitantly to the front door. He knocked a couple times and a moment later the door swung open. Sydney immediately knew that the woman in front of them was without a doubt John’s sister. She had dark brown hair and seemed to have a stockier build then him, but the deep blue eyes were a dead give away.
“Where the hell have you been?” She shouted at him. She grabbed his shoulder roughly and threw him inside the house. She then turned around to face Sydney. “Hi. I’m Gladys. Please, come in.”
Sydney was taken a bit back at the Dr. Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde bit that she had witnessed, but cautiously walked inside the house anyway. It was nice and warm inside and she felt instantly comfortable there. She walked into a small living room where John was standing and moved beside him. No matter how comfortable the house may seem she was still a stranger and John was the only person she remotely knew, even if it was only for the past hour or so. Gladys walked into the room and stopped in front of Sydney.
“Here let me take your coat. I didn’t catch your name.”
“Sydney. Sydney Beck.” She replied as she slipped out of her coat. Gladys’ eyes widen as she noticed Sydney’s swollen belly.
“Ummm…John…can I talk to you for a second? In the other room.” She didn’t wait for an answer. She grabbed him by the collar of his brown flannel shirt and pulled him into one of the bedrooms. Once they were alone and the door was shut she turned to look at him, anger flaming bright in her eyes. “What did you do!”
“What?” John was confused.
“John, she can’t be more than 16! What the hell did you do?” Gladys spit the words at him with such venom that John could almost feel an acid burn.
“What! You think it’s mine?” John nearly shouted.
“Yeah, that’s the impression that I am getting!” She was trying hard to keep her voice low.
“It’s not mine! I meet her about an hour ago outside of Casey’s bar. Her boyfriend ditched her outside of a liquor store on their way to New York from Oregon.“ John stood on the defensive, hands up to ward off any impending blows from his big sister. Instead, Gladys sat down on the bed. Her face no longer contorted with anger, but with confusion and sadness.
“That’s horrible.” She said in almost a whisper. “How old is she?”
“15. She’ll be 16 in December.” he mumbled.
“That is so young.” His sister looked as if she would cry. “Does she have somewhere to stay?”
“Uh…that’s what I kinda wanted to ask you. I can’t take her to my place. It’s only one room and it wouldn’t look right, ya know, with me and her livin’ there alone. I mean she’s only 15.” John didn’t know why he was so set on finding a place for this girl. She could easily go to a shelter until she figured out what to do. But for some reason he couldn’t just leave her to the shelters, he’d heard about the darker side of those places and it was not somewhere a 15 year old mother to be should be.
“Of course she can stay here.” Gladys said as she got up off the couch.
“Thanks Glady.” Relief washed through him and he wasn’t quite sure why.
“No Problem, little guy! You just better remember this when I ask you to baby sit.” He laughed and nodded as they emerged from the room. They were greeted with voices coming from the living room where they had left Sydney.
“Wow! I think the dolly should wear the blue dress.” A small voice said.
“Really! Well, okay. What is her name.” Sydney’s voice had taken on a childish quality as to humor the little girl who was sitting next to her.
“So, Sydney! I see you’ve meet Julie.” Gladys chuckled.
“Yeah, we were just playing with the dolls.” She laughed, her voice tinged with a a little embarrassment.
“I have to go…Do you think you and John can handle Julie and Jake? He is in his room asleep. He won’t give you much trouble.” Gladys inquired.
“Sure! I have a couple little cousin’s around their age.” Sydney smiled brightly up at them.
“Well, I am glad that you will be staying with us. I understand that you don’t have any cloths. I just had my son about a year ago. I have some of my old stuff you can use. And we can make you up a place to sleep when I get back.” She said to the girl who was smiling gratefully back at her, then looked down at her watch, “Whoa, I’ve got to go now! See you guys later!” With that Gladys grabbed her purse and her coat and ran out the door before Sydney could muster the words of thanks that sat there on the tip of her tongue.
“So, Julie, what do you wanna do tonight?” John asked as he crouched down to the same height as the small, brunette child in front of him.
“Ummm…I think I want to watch a movie!” she said jumping up and down. “Did you bring it?”
“Bring what?” John asked her in an innocent voice.
“Stop it, Uncle Johnny!” Julie whined.
“Of course I brought it.” John said as he pulled a videotape from his jacket pocket. “Ghostbusters!” The little girl ripped the tape from his hands and ran to the VCR. Within a few moments the opening credits started blaring from the speakers on the TV.
“She’ll be out cold in a few minutes.” John chuckled turning to see that Sydney had beat the little girl to it. She on the couch curled up in the corner, her soft breathing echoing through the small room. He sighed and grabbed a blanket and laid it across her. Then sitting down, he settled himself against the other side of the couch and started to watch the movie.
>>>>>>
Where was she? Whose couch was she on? What was going on? She thought to herself as her eyes fluttered open. Suddenly, everything came flooding back to her mind in a shower of painful memories. Jim was gone, she was staying with the sister of a man she barely knew, and she had no home or family. She violently fought the urge to break down and cry.
What was that? She thought to herself as she heard a soft voice in another room. It was followed by the small, childish voice of Julie.
“One more song…please Uncle Johnny?” she groaned.
“One more.” He said back to her as he started singing his rendition of ‘Silent Night’. She noticed how low and raspy his voice was. The lyrics rolled off his tongue and into her ears and she felt as if she could fall asleep again. His voice seemed to sooth her problems away. A moment later she was snapped out of her dreamworld by the soft clicking of the bedroom door being closed. She slowly sat up to see John putting on his thick leather coat.
“Sydney? When Glady gets back I’ll need to leave right away, I’m late for something. She should have been back by now. ” He threw a scarf around his neck and zipped the jacket up. “You gonna be alright?”
“Yeah. Sure. What time is it?” She asked as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
“Almost 7:30. Geez, I have to go! Laurie’s gonna have a cow. How do I look?” He turned back to her after he straitened his hair in the mirror.
“Nice.” She giggled at his vainess. “Don’t worry about me. Your sister has a big TV and it has been almost three months since I’ve gotten to watch what I want to watch.”
“Well then, I hope you enjoy!” He chuckled, leaning against the wall smiling at her.
“John.” She said in a hushed voice.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you. Thank you so much. I don’t know what I would have done if you wouldn’t have been there.” She was now holding her tears with all her will. “Thank you.”
“It’s no problem. Umm…I…I just hope everything works out for you. And…and I’ll be there to help.” John was touched by her gratitude and tried to mirror it as best he could. He had a feeling that there was a reason she was outside of the bar that night. He had to help her.
“Hey, John. Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in traffic. You better get going.” Gladys said as she rushed through the door.
“Yeah. I’m pretty late.” He started, shaking himself from the daze he had just been in. “I’ll see ya guys later.” He turned back to the door and walked outside into the night, shutting the door behind him.
“Well, Sydney, lets go find those cloths.” Gladys said cheerfully as she grabbed her hand and led her to the garage.
>>>>>>
“I cannot believe you kept me waiting for 10 minutes! I told you that my parents would be here at 8! And I distinctly remember telling you that the are sticklers for punctuality!” Laurie ranted as she and John walked to the entrance of ‘Dimitri’s Italian café’. They were five minutes late and Laurie wouldn’t let John forget it.
“Sorry. Something came up.” John mumbled as he opened the thick glass door for her.
“Well, this is very important. Do you want my parents first impression of you to be that you don’t respect them enough to be on time?” She questioned him in an ‘oh-so-superior’ tone.
“No. Of course not.” John reasoned to her.
“Good. Then it won’t happen again.” She looped her arm with his and they walked to the back where a middle aged couple sat. “ Mother, Father, this is John Rzeznik. The one I have been telling you both so much about.” She said cheerfully to the couple at the table. The man stood up and extended his hand.
“Hello Jonathan. I am Herald Kwansnik.” The man’s voice reeked of upper class supremacy.
“How do you do…umm…its just John.” He corrected, only to receive a swift elbow to the ribs. John then turned to the turned to the woman sitting in the chair that Laurie stood next to. “How do you do Mrs. Kwansnik?”
“Fine thank you. Please sit down, both of you.” Laurie and John did as they were told. “So. Why are you two late?” She asked, her eyes piercing at John’s flesh.
‘Oh brother. This is going to be a long night.’ He thought as he heard Laurie relating a fabricated excuse.
>>>>>>
“Oh, Glady! This one is beautiful! I didn’t know they made such cool stuff in maternity!” Sydney exclaimed to her new found friend as she twirled in front of the full-length mirror that was tacked to the closet door. She was in a short baby blue dress that was dotted with small lace flowers.
“That was always one of my favorites.” Gladys smiled as she folded a pair of jean overalls on the bed. “So, John tells me you’re from Oregon. Why aren’t you there now?”
“I…I couldn’t stay.” Sydney’s once jubilant voice was now soft and sounded scared and ashamed. Gladys didn’t want to make the girl uncomfortable, but she was only 15 and if she did have family looking for her, then she would have to be better off with them.
“Why.” She pressed. “You can tell me.” Sydney slowly sat down on the bed and clutched at a small silver locket that hung from her neck.
“I couldn’t go back even if I wanted to. My family doesn’t want me back.” A single tear slipped and tumbled down her cheek.
“What? Why not?” Gladys asked in shock.
“My…my father told me not to come back. He said if I did that he would call the police and say I was a trespasser.” She was now sobbing and she clutched her belly tightly.
“That’s awful! Is it because of…because of your uhh…situation?” Gladys asked delicately.
“Yeah. He said that he didn’t want a slut living under his roof and that for all he cared, me and my bastard of a child could die and rot in hell.” She spewed the words with a venomous feel that was soon replaced by the sad sounds of a girl who was confused and hurt. “Why would he do that? Why would he say something like that?”
“I don’t know, honey.” Gladys sat down next to her and held her close to her chest. “Some people can’t handle change or suprises. Some people weren’t cut out to be parents…a parent must always be kind and forgiving. Some people seem to blur the lines between right and wrong.” She said as she rocked Sydney back and forth.
“I don’t know what I can do. I haven’t got a high school diploma, I don’t have a job or a place to stay, and I have a baby coming soon. What am I going to do?” She sobbed.
“Hush, you can stay here until the baby’s born. Then I’ll help you find a job and a place to live. You’ll be all right, I swear. You just have to have faith.” Gladys stroked the sobbing girls hair and made a silent vow to herself that she would help this girl, through anything.
Chapter 3
One month later….
“Hey, John! While you’re in there grab the chips!” Sydney yelled from her place on the couch. She and Kate, John’s other sister, sat with their feet up in front of the tv waiting for him to deliver their goodies.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You try balancing three cokes a package of cookies and a movie. And now you want me to bring the chips? Geez, What do you think I am? A pack mule?” John whined as he walked into the living room, dropped all the snack food on the table and walked over to the VCR.
“Poor baby. What are we watchin’?” Kate asked as she rummaged through the pile of sweets.
“The Breakfast Club.” Sydney and John replied in unison. John walked back to the couch and sat down next to Sydney. Grabbed a coke and put his feet up on the coffee table.
“So, Syd. When did you say your birthday was?” John asked as the previews flashed on the screen.
“December 6th.” She said through a mouthful of potato chips.
“No way! Mines the 5th! We have to do something!” He laughed. Over the past month, Sydney had become a permanent fixture in his life. She may have been 5 years younger then him but she was so easy to talk to and seemed to have a maturity that would never lead you to believe she was only 16.
“Well, we were actually planning on having you party as usual. We’ll just make it for both of you.” Kate replied, taking another bite out of her oreo.
“It’s all right. You guys don’t have to do anything for me.” Sydney said, feeling slightly uncomfortable at the fuss they were making over her.
“Of course we do, Syd. You have become like one of the family.” John chuckled, “Yet another sister for me!”
“Johnny’s just happy because it’s like he’s no longer the baby of the family.” Kate giggled as she reached over and pinched his cheek.
“Thanks you guys.” Sydney laughed as John pushed his sister away.
“No prob Bob.” John said laying his arm on the back of the couch. “So a party in what? A week?”
“4 days! You would think that you would know what day your birthday was.” Kate grumbled.
“Dude! Shut up!” He said nudging her on the arm.
“Both of you shut up! The movie is starting.” Sydney hissed.
“The fat lady has spoken!” John laughed and was greeted by a Sydney’s fist to the shoulder and Kate’s hand smacking him in the back of the head.
“I am not fat! You try being almost 7 months pregnant and not having a big stomach!” She whined indignantly.
“Sorry sorry sorry.” John said putting his hands up in defense. They settled on the couch and started to watch the movie.
>>>>>>
“So…your 21…and you still don’t have a license? Loser.” Sydney mumbled as she waddled over to place a party hat on his head.
“Shut up. You’re going to be 16 tomorrow and your stuck celebrating it with us. What’s that say about you? If anyone here is a loser, it’s you babe!” John chuckled as he adjusted the thin elastic string that was placed around his neck.
“Uh huh…keep telling yourself that, Johnny.” She giggled as she sat down in the recliner that was placed in front of the TV. People started to pile into the small living room. John had taken a seat next to Sydney and would introduce her to an uncle or aunt or cousin every once in awhile.
“So…when do I get to meet your parents?” Sydney asked as she sipped her glass of punch. Everyone was drinking beers and Margaritas, but because of her…situation…they made a note to bring something non-alcoholic.
“Ummm…” John shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “My parents are dead.”
“Oh…my God! I am so sorry.” She apologized.
“No…it’s all right. I was about your age when they died.” He whispered. “My father was the first then…” His voice began to crack a bit, “My mother.”
“Johnny, I am so sorry.” He smiled at her, but she could see the pain that was behind lying behind his gaze. “How old were you?”
“Just a bit older than you, 16 or so.” He related, his voice quiet.
“At least you got to know her.” She said as she toyed with the locket that was securely fastened around her neck. “My mother passed away when I was 4. God, it was the most horrible thing. After that my father started to…to” She was near tears and her voice cracked.
“To drink? Well, my dad was doing that from the time I was born.” John’s voice was still a whisper, but the anger was loud and clear. There was a long pause. Neither said a thing, as if they were both alone in a room, even though they were surrounded by a raging party.
“Well,” She said wiping her eyes. “Lets not talk about this stuff! It’s your birthday! Go have fun!”
“Hey it’s your day too! Come on! Dance with me!” John stood up and grabbed her hand.
“What about Laurie? If I remember correctly, she is one jealous bitch. Even of a pregnant 16 year old!” She giggled. “Plus! You try dancing when your carrying all this extra weight around.”
“Yeah…well she’s not here…She had to go to an opera…” He said bitterly. “Mumsy and Daddy are taking her just because.” He knew that he shouldn’t talk about his girlfriend that way, but sometimes she just infuriated him. “And plus, you look good to me, I think we could cut the rug. Maybe no break dancing or anything…”
“Your such a dork!” She laughed, then held her hands out to him. “Ok, but just this one. Now you got to help my fat butt up!”
“Your not fat, just pregnant.” He smiled as he pulled her up. They walked to the middle of the living room which had been designated ‘the dance floor’. A slow song came over the speakers and John placed his hands on the small of her back, hers on his shoulders. Dancing was no easy task with her belly in between them. The seconds passed into minutes and they just danced, completely happy there with one another, safe in the knowledge that each had a true friend and like mind in the other.
At the end of the second song John felt Sydney still and clutch his shoulders tightly. Her face screwed into an image of pain.
“Johnny,” She managed to gasp. “Something’s wrong..”
“What is it, Syd?” He asked. She was about to answer him when she collapsed into John’s arms.
“Oh shit! Somebody help me!” John screamed into the party cluttered air as he laid her gently on the floor cradling her head in his lap. Gladys and Kate rushed towards their baby brother who was now gripping Sydney who was writhing with pain.
“Oh God,” Gladys ran to grab he coat and keys. “Her water broke. I think she may be in labor.”
“But she’s only 7 months along.” Kate was panicking.
“Shut up, Kate. Come on, John. I’ll drive.” John gathered Syd’s body against him and rushed her out to the car. Gladys raced to the hospital, Sydney screaming in the back. When they got there Syd was placed in a wheel chair and rushed into the emergency room.
“Ok, mame. What seems to be the problem?” The nurse asked, her voice in total disinterest.
“I think she’s gone into Labor, but it was so sudden. No early contractions or warnings and she’s only 7 months along!” Gladys rushed the story to the nurse.
“Does she have any insurance?” The nurse asked, her voice taking on an annoyed quality.
“What the fuck do you mean ‘Does she have insurance’? Does it fucking matter?” John blew up at her. “No she doesn’t, but she does have a living, breathing child inside her whose life is being jeprodized because your wasting our time asking if she has fucking insurance!”
“It’s OK John.” Gladys said, calming John down and turning back to the nurse. “Look. We will pay the bill, but right now it is more important that you treat this girl.” Her voice was even and calm, but anyone in the area would be intimidated to the bone in a second flat.
“Fine. Can we get some help over here?” She yelled to an attendant who came over and took the handles of the wheelchair from John. They started to wheel her to the back when Syd stopped them.
“Johnny. Please don’t leave me. Oh God please don’t leave me.” The tears were streaming down her face. She looked every bit her age at that moment. Her eyes were wide with fright and pain.
“Are you the father.” The attendant asked. John looked at Sydney grimacing in pain in front of him. Then turned to look at his sister for approval. She nodded.
“Yes.” He stated simply and started to follow them into the back, gripping Sydney’s hand.
>>>>>>
“It’ll be a few minutes. We have to find a doctor. Just sit there and be patient.” The attendant told Sydney. Then turning to John. “I’ll be back ASAP.”
Once she was gone, Sydney looked up at John.
“Why did you say you were the father?” Sydney asked through a wave of pain.
“It was the only way I could get back here with you. I wasn’t going to let you go through this alone! Plus. It’s probably a false alarm. You are only 7 months along.” John was still holding her hand, his mind racing. What would he do if she wasn’t ok?
“Your probably right.” Sydney grumbled. They sat there for a few minutes, John helping her get over the strong pains that were shooting through her body. The doctor finally came and examined her, his face remained grim troughout.
“John, May I see you outside for a moment?” He asked. They walked into the hall and shut the door leading to Sydney’s room.
“What’s goin’ on doc? She’s only 7 months pregnant.” John had so many questions, but he couldn’t get his thoughts in order. He just kept thinking about the chance of losing her.
“I am just going to give it to you straight. She is definitely going into labor. There is no way we can stop it. The problem is, the child has a very low chance of survival due to the early labor.” He must have given this speech a thousand times, but everytime he did it seemed to tear one more little piece away from his heart.
“Oh God.” Was all John could say.
“John, there’s more.” He cleared his throat, “How old is she?”
“16.”
“That’s what I thought. She is not quiet…uhh…developed enough to have a child. There is a good chance that she could die as well. Her body just isn’t equipped at this age to carry this child for the whole 9 months and now it’s trying to reject it. We probably will have to do an emergency Csection.” He sighed and waited for John’s reaction.
“You have to help her.” John was in a daze.
“I am going to try my hardest.” He replied. Just then a nurse ran past them into her room. “What’s wrong?” He asked the nurse.
“She keeps pushing the emergency button.” The nurse swung the door open. Sydney was screaming on the bed the sheets beneath her stained with blood.
“Oh shit.” John kept saying over and again.
“Sir, I need you to get out of the way.” The nurse and doctor had moved Sydney from the hospital bed to a stretcher. “Go to the attendant over there and he will prep you. Then you can join her in the room.” The nursed rushed the directions to him. They wheeled her through the doors marked surgery and John ran to where he was assigned.
PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 PART 2 PART 2
Chapter 4
John walked out of the operating room. He was shaken to the bone. He leaned against the wall and slowly slid down. It had been horrible. There hadn’t been any time for much anesthesia, they had to get the child out. They had quickly numbed the area. John had nearly fainted when they started to make the incision. She had been in so much pain. She squeezed his hand and screamed. He had left just as they got the child out. A little boy. 4 pounds 3 ounces. God that was so small.
Suddenly a nurse rushed out holding a small bundle.
“Where are you taking him.” He asked quickly.
“To the maternity ward. We have to get him in an incubator.” She said as she rushed off. John slowly lifted himself from his seated position on the floor. The doctor slowly came out wiping his hands with a towel.
“How is she.” John could barely talk. Sydney had passed out just as he left.
“She is exhausted. I think she will be fine. She’ll have to stay here for a couple days. We have to make sure she doesn’t hemorrhage. But other than that…” He trailed off.
“What about the baby?” John asked.
“I…I don’t know John.” He hesitated. “ He was so small and weak. All we can really do is wait.”
“Can…Can I see her?” He mumbled.
‘Sure. They took her over to room 661. You can go see her now, but don’t be long. She needs her rest.” The doctor said then walked away.
John walked down the hall until he found the room marked 661. He gently pushed the door open and walked into the room. Sydney was lying there. Her face was pale; she looked like a limp doll. He gently sat next to her bed. She was still asleep. He would wait for her to wake up. No one would wanna wake up alone after that.
>>>>>>
Her whole body felt as if it would fall apart. It was such an effort to even lift her hand to wipe the sleep from her eyes. When she set her hand back down it hit something solid and warm. She sat up and looked to her right. John had fallen asleep with his head on the bed next to her. She stifled a giggle and gently taped him on the shoulder.
“Five more minutes...” He mumbled. She smacked him lightly on the head. “Huh? What? Oh…hey you’re awake. How you feeling?”
“Sore and stiff.” Sydney replied, then something entered her mind, “Where is he? What happened? Is he OK?”
“He’s fine. About an hour ago the doc came in and told me that the baby was small but strong. They think he’s going to be able to go home in a couple days. He just needs to stay in the incubator for that time.” John said cheerfully.
“Oh my God. That’s wonderful! When do I get to see him?” Her voice filled with excitement and anticipation.
“As soon as you feel strong enough to go down to the nursery.” John smiled to her.
“Well what are we waiting for? Grab that wheel chair. You’re taking me to meet my son!” She pushed herself up from the bed and John ran to get the wheel chair that was on the otherside of the room.
“Your chariot m’lady.” She slowly slid into the chair, her face a mask of pain, but she wouldn’t let that keep her from her baby. John started to push her down the hallway.
“Here we are.” He said as he knocked on the door of the nursery. A nurse opened the door and let them in. She led them to a small incubator where the small baby boy slept.
“Oh my God. He’s so small.” She said as she placed her small, delicate hand on the glass that separated her from her child. The baby sneezed then adjusted his position. “John. Did you see that? He sneezed!” She laughed, but tears soon ran down her cheeks as she started to cry as she looked down at the small child. “God, he’s beautiful.”
“What are you going to name him?” The nurse asked holding a small piece of paper that had what looked like prints of baby feet on it.
“I really hadn’t thought about it.” She pondered the question for a moment. “Joshua John Beck.”
“John? No way.” John chuckled. “Don’t saddle the kid with my name.”
“I want to John. You have done so much for me. He deserves to have a name of a man who is so selfless and giving. John you have treated me with such kindness. I can only hope that Josh will become like you.” She said this with such conviction that even if John had wanted to argue the point further, he couldn’t.
“Thank you. I don’t really think I am worthy of it, but it is an honor.” John said quietly. “Oh crap! I fell asleep! Gladys is still out there! Oh man she’s gonna be pissed.”
“You are so dead!” She giggled as he rushed out of the room.
>>>>>
John came back a few minutes later to find Sydney gently rocking Josh in her arms.
“Awe…ain’t that cute.” He laughed.
“You wanna hold him?” She asked holding him out to John.
“I don’t know…is it all right.” He asked hesitantly.
“You have nieces and nephews. Don’t you know how to hold them?” Sydney smiled at him. The laughter shining in her eyes.
“Yeah but…He’s so small. I don’t want to hurt him.” John said nervously as she stood up and approached him with Josh.
“Oh. I am sure you won’t hurt him.” She said as she laid him gently in John’s arms.
“Wow.” John’s voice was almost a whisper. “His eyes are remarkable!” He said looking into the baby’s eyes. They were a soft yellow color with flecks of dark brown bursting through them. They contrasted oddly with his pale white skin and the dirty blond tuft on his head.
“Yeah he got those from Jim.” She said quietly. “Can you hold him for a sec? I need to go to the restroom.”
“Uh…Sure.” She left and John sat down in the chair next to the incubator. Josh started to cry and John couldn’t think of what he should do. “Shh…Shh…Shh don’t cry Josh. Don’t cry.” Josh just wailed on. “Uhh...shh…uh” starts to sing “Hush little baby, don’t say a word. Johnny’s gonna buy you a mocking bird.” Josh’s wails seem to stop and John continued the song.
“That was so adorable.” Sydney’s voice rang out after the song was finished.
“How long have you been standing there?” He asked suddenly feeling a bit self-conscience.
“I think I got here at ‘Johnny’s gonna buy you a Billy goat.’ You better not. I don’t have anywhere to put a Billy goat.” She laughed and walked up to him and took Josh from his hands. “Time for you to go back into the incubator.” She cooed. “I want you nice and strong so Mommy can take you home.” The nurse took him from her hands and placed him back into his glass prison.
John wheeled Sydney back to her room and helped her get into her bed. He tucked her in and was about to leave when she spoke.
“John.” She looked at him with total sincerity. “I can’t thank you enough. I mean…it was horrible in there. Not just for me, although I do think I got the majority of the pain, but for you too. You are such a friend to stay there with me and hold my hand. John…your…your…my best friend. Thank you.”
“You’re my best friend too. And thank you for wanting me to be with you. It meant a lot.” He smiled to her, then turned and left.
Chapter 5
3 years later…
“Come on John! Your gonna be late!” Sydney screamed into John’s apartment. About two years ago she had moved into his building, scrimping and saving her pennies she and Josh were able to afford a small apartment down stairs.
“I am NEVER late!” He screamed back from inside the bathroom.
“Yeah right!” She mumbled just as he walked out, grabbing his coat, he shut the front door and locked it. “Your worse then a women getting ready for her wedding.”
“Funny. Who did you get to watch Josh?” He asked as they rushed down the hallway.
“Gladys. Him and Jake are having another ‘sleep over’.” She giggled. The two boys were inseparable. Everything was done together. They were only about 10 month's apart which made them ideal playmates. Glady was too good to her, baby-sitting him on nights she wanted to go out, and when they wanted to go out with each other, they would just force John to take care of them.
Right now, John and her were on their way to one of his and Robby’s gigs.
“Wow, John. The Continental Club. That’s the big time.” They walked outside to his truck and piled in.
“Yeah. We have that metal blade contract now. We’re hopin’ that this gig will help sell a few more records. Me and Robby have been workin’ our ass’s off trying to get ‘Jed’ out.” John said as they drove down the streets of Buffalo.
“What are you talkin’ about workin’ John?” She huffed. “You’re too high half the time to do any real work and in the mean time your just wasting everyone’s money.” This had been bothering her a lot lately. He, Robby and George would constantly borrow money from everyone with the excuse that it would help them with the new record. But Sydney knew what was happening. They were using the money for pot and booze.
“Syd, I don’t need this from you too.” John mumbled, but she wasn’t letting it go. This had been on her mind for months and she had finally gotten the courage to tell him just what she thought of his ‘work’ ethic.
“What you don’t need, John, is drugs and alcohol! All it’s doing is lowering the quality of your music!” She preached. She had to make him see that this life he was living was going to lead him nowhere.
“Sydney!” His voice rang through the cabin of the truck. She stopped right before she was going to continue her rant, the anger in his voice catching her off guard. “I don’t need this shit from you. All right? I can take care of myself! Who are you to give advice anyway? I’m not some chick who got pregnant 15!” He yelled and immediately regretted his words. He bit the inside of his cheek, waiting for her asshole remark. The seconds crawled by like years before she finally spoke. Even then it was hardly a whisper.
“Stop the car.” He turned to look at her. She had a line of tears streaming down her face.
“Syd, look I’m…”
“Stop the damn car, John!” He slowly pulled over to the side of the road. As soon as the truck came to a stop she grabbed her things and went to open the door.
“Please don’t go away mad, Syd! I am so sorry.” He pleaded, stopping her with a hand on the shoulder.
“Forget it, John. Just go to your gig.” She mumbled as she slammed the door.
“But it’s dark out! Let me take you home at least!” He yelled after her, going for the key to turn the truck off.
“Go, John! I’ll call a cab!” She said as she walked into a near by drug store.
He had screwed up. Real bad. How was he going to make this up to her? He knew she was right. Drugs and booze weren’t helping him break into mainstream, but then again, neither was just playing their music.
He looked back at her going into a pay phone. She sure as hell wouldn’t talk to him now. He started the car and pulled back onto the road. It was going to be a long, hard night. He had just hurt one of his dearest friends more than even he could have known.
>>>>>>
“I’m coming!” Gladys yelled as she ran to the front door. When she opened it, a tear stained Sydney greeted her. “What’s wrong? I thought you were going to Johnny’s gig?”
“Yeah, well me and John kinda had a conflict of interest on the way there.” She seethed.
“Did he dump you at the side of the road?” She asked, her voice rising high with anger.
“No. I told him to let me out of the truck. He tried to get me to get back in, but I just didn’t want to see him anymore.” She said as she walked in and sat down on the couch. No doubt Josh and Jake had worn themselves out and were now sleeping.
“What happened?” Gladys asked gently.
“Nothing…I guess I was meddling where I wasn’t wanted.” She sighed as she laid her head back against the soft couch cushions.
“What about. You can tell me.” Gladys urged.
“I told him he was drinking and using too much. I told him that he was just wasting everyone’s money on bad habits and saying it was for the album. I just get so infuriated at him. He is 24 now. And what does he have to show for it? A crappie job selling hot dogs on street corners, a drug and alcohol problem and a failed record.” She vented to Gladys. She was sure she had been feeling the same way about John, but just hadn’t wanted to confront him.
“Well, he obviously had to say something that wanted to make you get out of that car. What did he say to you? “ Gladys knew her brother could be hot headed and a little careless with words at times, and while Sydney was a strong and willful person, certain things could easily break her.
“It wasn’t that big of a deal, I probably overreacted.” Sh brushed the question of.
“Come on. Syd, your talking to me here. What did that punk say to you?”
“It was noting, really.” Glady gave her a disbelieving look, and Syd knew she couldn’t get out of explaining this one. “He just reminded me I was a pregnant 15 year old. See? Nothing.” Still Glady didn’t look convinced. “I mean…I don’t regret it. Josh was the best thing that ever happened to me. But when he said that, I just couldn’t help but feel cheap.” She sat there quietly and played with her pinkie ring.
“What an asshole, even for him! You were trying to help with a situation that is ruining his life, and he isn’t listening as usual.” Gladys’ face was bright red.
“Forget it, Glady. I don’t want to bring it up with him. It’s better left in the past. I am sure that John was sorry.” Syd got up from the couch and walked over to Jake’s bedroom and opened the door a crack. Josh and Jake were curled up in their matching Ninja Turtle sleeping bags. She smiled as she looked down at her son who was gently sucking on his thumb. He looked so much like his father. It disturbed her at times.
“Glady, Is it all right if I stay here on the couch tonight?” She asked as she shut the door.
“Sure you can. I’ll go get you some blankets.” She left and a few minutes later came back with a couple blankets. They talked as they made a bed up for her on the couch.
“Hey, Syd.” Julie had just walked into the kitchen and was pouring herself some juice.
“What’s going on, Jules?” She asked as she flopped on the couch and pushed her Shoes off with her toes.
“Nothing much. You coming tomorrow?” She asked as she sat in the recliner across from Sydney. She was now ten and looked exactly like Kate. Her hair hung in her eyes and she was wearing a pair of gray sweats and a Strawberry Shortcake T-shirt.
“To what?” She yawned.
“My play! I know I told you. I got the lead. I’m playing Oliver in ‘Oliver Twist’. I knew it was a boys part when I auditioned, but I knew I could pull it off better then any boy could.” She said smugly. Julia was anything but humble, yet nobody called her on it because she was a great actress even at the tender age of 10. That’s why Gladys and Steve, Gladys’ husband, where paying for her to go to real acting lessons at the Buffalo Playhouse.
“Sure! I’ll be there with bells on!” She gave the girl a goofy smile, sometime she was more like a sister than a friends daughter..
“Oh, please don’t. Wear regular cloth’s for God’s sake!” She giggled as she walked back to her bedroom. “’Night Syd, ‘Night mom!”
“She is a great kid, Glady. Kudos on raising that one!” Syd sighed as she laid back on the sofa.
“Yeah, I like her. She can be a pill sometimes, though.” They laughed for a moment than said goodnight to each other. Gladys turned out the lights and Sydney was alone with her thoughts.
>>>>>>
The set had finally finished the stage went dark and the small mosh pit had disassembled. John, Robby and George walked exhaustedly off the stage. George ran after some red head that had been eyeing him throughout the performance and John and Robby just walked over to the bar and ordered some drinks.
“What’s been bugging you, man? You seem quiet tonight.” Robby asked as he sipped his beer. John had just stood there throughout the performance. He barely moved and rattled off the words to the songs as if he wasn’t really saying them. “Is this about Laurie not coming?”
“No.” John mumbled as he looked down at the backs of his hands.
“Then what. And don’t tell me nothing. I know you too well for that bull shit.” He said sternly.
“I had a fight with Syd on the way over here. She got out of the truck and now I don’t know where she is. I said some stupid things, man.” John shook his head shamefully.
“What’d you do now.” Robby chuckled, trying to lighten the mood. John didn’t answer for a long time, and when he did, it wasn’t in answer to Robby’s question. It was a question of his own.
“Robby, do you think we’re wastin’ our time?” he asked quietly.
“What do you mean, man.” He took another sip of his beer.
“Do you think that we are wastin’ our time. Do you think we party too much? Do you think we are borrowing and depending on other people too much?” John lifted his head up to look into the mirror that hung behind the counter.
“I really don’t think about it that much man.” Robby laughed nervously. He was uncomfortable with people pointing out his faults or dependencies.
“I didn’t either, until tonight. Man, we are borrowing from everyone just so we can go into the studio and fuck around. I’m tired of walking on stage hammered and then trying to play.” John sighed as he fingered the brim of his drink glass.
“I know what you mean. Giving up because your to hammered to hit the record button isn’t funny after the 15th time.” He mumbled as he chugged the rest of his beer. He held the bottle in front of him and studied it carefully. “OK. I say we make a new years resolution.”
“New Years isn’t until Saturday.” John said as he looked at his watch.
“Well then lets make the resolution now and honor it then.” Robby shouted with a smile on his face.
“All right. What’s your resolution?” John chuckled as he looked up at his friend who was now standing in front of him.
“We go dry. Sober that is. We put out what album we have now, all 14 songs, then right after go back into the studio and record some new stuff. We can compare the records later. See which one sounds better. Then we can decide if sober is the way to go!” Robby said in a singsong voice. John couldn’t help but laugh.
“Deal.” He said as they shook hands. “I gotta go, Rob. I need to work tomorrow, and then I got to go to Julie’s play.”
“See ya, Johnny!” He yelled to him as he rushed out the door.
Chapter 6
Sydney, Gladys, Steve and Kate had gotten to the playhouse a half an hour early so they could get good seats. Julie did a great Job. She knew all her lines and she danced along the stage as if she were acting out her own life. And when the curtain closed and she came out to bow in front of the audience, she was given a standing ovation.
The four stayed in the theater until it had cleared of everyone except them. For the first time they noticed John leaning against one of the entrances. Sydney wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. She was still hurt by what he had said the night before. She decided to go out of the theater through the opposite exit.
“I’ll see you guys later.” She said quietly. She started to leave, but Gladys gently grabbed her arm.
“Your gonna have to talk to him sooner or later.” She whispered.
“Then I guess it’ll be later.” The words came out sharper then she had intended.
“You’re coming to my New Years party, right?”
“Yeah. I do every year don’t I.” She smiled.
“He’s gonna be there. You can’t avoid him forever.” She said as she let go of Sydney’s arm. “I’ll see you later, Syd.”
“Bye, Glady, Kate, Steve.” She said as she rushed out of the theater and hailed a cab as she got to the Sidewalk. Gladys was right. She couldn’t avoid him forever. She was going to have to see him, and forgive him. He was her best friend and she needed him, and she was sure that he needed her too.
>>>>>>
She stepped up on the porch with her thick jacket pulled tight. Josh was asleep in her arms, his head rested on her shoulder and she could here his soft breathing in her ear. She had decided to come to the party late. It was already 9. Josh had been sleeping all day; she had made a deal with him that if he slept through the day he could stay up for the party. Soon he would be running around Gladys’ house with the other kids.
She opened the door and walked into the house. She was greeted by a blast of loud music. The band sounded so familiar…It was the Goo Goo Dolls, John and Robby’s band.
‘How can that be? Is “Jed” finished?’ She asked herself as Josh started to stir in her arms. She gently set him down and he sleepily made his way through the crowd of people to Jake’s room.
“Syd! Come on over here!!!” It was Kate who was standing with Gladys. Next to her was a tall brown haired man. No doubt Kate’s new Beau. Sydney slowly snaked her way to them. Kate held a glass with icy, pink froth in it. “Your Virgin Margie! I don’t understand why you won’t drink with us.”
“Two reasons. I’m only 19 and Josh.” She giggled as she sipped at her cool drink.
“So what’s goin’ on in your life? Are you still going to night school?” She asked as she looped her arm in the tall man’s. “Oh…this is Russell. Russell, this is Sydney. She’s one of our closest friends.”
“Nice to meet ya.” His voice was thick with its Brooklynite accent.
“You too.” She shook his had then turned back to Kate to answer her question. “Yeah. Technically I’ll be graduating in a couple weeks. The teacher encouraged me to apply to some colleges. I think I’m doin’ pretty good. If I had stayed in school I would have graduated last year. I’m only a year behind. He says that I have a good chance at being accepted somewhere.”
“That’s great! You deserve it. You have been so responsible. You’re a great mom, you work hard. I can’t believe really you’re that same scared teenager that came to us…how many years ago?” Gladys asked as she looked lovingly at her friend. Ever since they had meet, she had a strong bond between her and this girl. They had a connection that transcended age.
“Three years.” She said quietly. She looked down at her feet as she thought about her life since she had left Oregon and made the Rzeznik’s her family. There was a short silence…even through the blaring music.
“So, Syd? What do you think of the guys’ new album? They finished it.” Kate asked as she filled her glass to the brim with beer.
“It sounds pretty good. I like it so far. When did they finish it?” She asked as she polished off the rest of her drink.
“I think about two days ago. They said somethin’ about a New Year’s resolution. I don’t know, I never remember anything they say.” Kate giggled.
“Are they here?” Sydney asked, looking around her.
“Yeah. Their here somewhere.” Without another word her and Russell stepped into the kitchen away from the bustle. Sydney just shook her head and giggled as she turned back to Gladys.
>>>>>>
Two and a half-hours had passed and Midnight was ten minutes away. Sydney knew that if she didn’t find John now, she might get lost in the New Years crowd and not get to talk to him at all. Finally she spotted him. He was sitting next to the recliner that was placed in front of the TV. They had spent many nights talking to each other there. So many memories in those two seats. The recliner and the chair. It was their getaway from the world. And while it sounded stupid to others, it was the most perfect place in the world to them.
She slowly walked towards him. He was sitting there, as if deep in thought, staring blankly into nothing. She slowly sat down in the recliner next to him and set her elbows on her knees. They didn’t speak for a moment. Finally, John turned towards her.
“I didn’t mean what I said.” His voice was quiet and barely audible over the music.
“I know.”
“I was just frustrated. I didn’t know how to react to what you were saying to me.” He continued.
“I didn’t…”
“No, Syd. Let me finish.” He cleared his throat and looked into her eyes. “I will never hurt you like that again. Ever. You are my best friend. You were concerned for me, and you had a right to be. What I am doing to my body is not healthy for me or the people around me. I also know you wouldn’t have said anything if you didn’t care.”
“John, I wouldn’t have said anything…but I am just so worried about you. I…I hate to bring this up, but you have to remember your father. You know what happens when booze enters the equation. Not only that…but drugs too. You can do whatever you like, but remember. Every time you get drunk or high, you are one more step closer to becoming like him.” She said as she squeezed his hand tight.
“I know. I realized that about two seconds after you walked into that drug store. You are right.” He squeezed her hand back. “Syd, Me and Robby haven’t had a drink or done drugs for the past two days…and I know that doesn’t sound like a lot…but we plan to not have any for a long, long time. It’s our New Year’s resolution, to you, and to ourselves.”
“I am so proud of you two, John.” She said jumping up and wrapping her arms around him. He hugged her back. The world seemed to disappear, but came crashing back with the sound of everyone chanting, ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!’
“Happy New Year, Syd.” John smiled to her.
“Happy New Year, John” She smiled back at him.
Chapter 7
Sydney slapped around her night table to turn the alarm clock off. She usually hated Mondays. They meant that she would have to go to work and school. But today was different. She only needed to stop by the night school to pick up her diploma. She groggily got up and walked into the bathroom. She turned the shower on to let the water heat up, and started brushing her teeth. The water was hot, she had always liked it that way, as if to sear all the pain and sins from her body. She was 19, why should she feel the need to cleanse herself with hot water?
She stepped out of the shower, her body steaming. She stopped and looked at herself in the full length mirror that hung on the back of the bathroom door. She wasn’t bad looking. Her face was sweet, as if you could tell she was friendly just by looking at her dark blue eyes. Her shoulders were broad from her German heritage, but it fit her. Her straight dark blond hair fell across her shoulders. Her eyes traveled down to her stomach. It was perfect…except…the long white scar that ran horizontally across her belly. It was thin and barely noticeable, but she knew it was there, and she thought of it as a constant reminder.
She was suddenly shook out of her revere by Josh’s distinctive wailing. She had to get him dressed and ready for Day Care. She grabbed her robe and walked into the next room. Josh was sitting on the floor. He had gotten into his dresser and was now attempting to dress himself.
“What do you think your doing, Joshy?” She cooed to the little brunette boy. His hair had been a soft dark blond like hers when he was born. She had hoped it would stay that way, but it hadn’t. It was now a rich, dark brown. She knew he was going to look just like his father.
“Pants, Shirt, Socks. Can’t find undies.” He mumbled is his broken phrases. He was right though. He was just a little too short to reach the underwear drawer. She chuckled and grabbed a pair of Superman underwear. “Thankie.” He smiled to her. She started to help him with his pants when the she heard the doorbell. She got up and headed for the door.
“John! Hey, what’s up? It’s 6 am…. why are you even awake?” Sydney asked. John looked sleepy but he was dressed.
“Sydney…I was thinking about it…and I wanna be more active in your life. I mean I know it’s hard with you going to work and all…I wanna help. I was thinkin’ that since I really don’t have to be at work until 6pm that I could take Josh to daycare and pick him up and stuff…ya know…like a surrogate uncle or somethin’.” He looked at her with sincere eyes. Sydney thought about it. It would be such a big help to her, but John had been known to flake out on stuff. He had been keeping true to his resolution for about 2 months now, but how long would that last. “Look, Syd. I know what your thinkin’. I ran the idea by Gladys and she told me how unreliable I am and how it would be hard to trust me, but that only makes me more determined to do it. Please.” She started to laugh. “What?”
“Laurie is gonna flip. She hates me enough already, but this, she’s gonna want to kill me!” She was now laughing even harder at the thought of him telling Laurie that he couldn’t go out because he was taking care of Josh. John started to chuckle too.
“So is that a yes?” He asked after their laughter subsided, his eyes almost pleading with her.
“Yeah.” She smiled to him. As if on cue, Josh walked out of his room, his face was red with frustration. He was trying to push his head through an armhole and had his arm sticking out of the head hole.
“Whoa, Kiddo. What do ya think your doin?” John asked as he walked over to the struggling toddler. He pulled the shirt off him and adjusted it for him. The small child gave him a toothy grin.
“Johnny! You come to play?” He asked. He let out a howl of childish laughter when John scooped him up and threw him over his shoulder.
“I’m taking you for the day! We’re gonna have some fun!” He turned to Sydney. “Does he need anything for the day?”
“His lunch is in the fridge and his back pack is next to the door.” She giggled as John threw her son up into the air and caught him again. She ran into the kitchen to grab the brown paper bag that concealed the boys’ lunch and put it in the little Superman backpack. He flipped the boy over his shoulder so that she could give him a small kiss on the cheek. “Bye, baby. Be good for Johnny.”
“What? No kiss for me?” He joked to her. She leaned up and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. His long blond hair brushed her cheek as she pulled herself away.
“Bye, Johnny.” She laughed.
“Bye bye, Mama.” Josh waved his chubby hands at her as John and him walked out of the apartment. She blew him a kiss and shut the door. She looked down at her watch.
“Damn.” She was going to be late. They were not going to be happy over at Mandy’s Café. She rushed to get ready and put her waitressing uniform on. Adjusted her hat and ran down stairs. She had saved up and bought an OLD used Buick. She climbed in and started driving to Downtown Buffalo.
>>>>>>
Two months later…
John had dropped Josh of at “Happy Days Day Care” almost 5 hours ago. He had to go pick him up, but not before he was bombarded by questions from Laurie.
“Are you sleeping with her?” She demanded.
“What? Of course not! Why would you even think that?” John was starting to get sick and tired of Laurie’s jealousy towards Sydney.
“Why are you taking care of her kid? Huh?” She paused the spun around to look him in the eye. “He’s your kid isn’t he? You just don’t want anyone to know! Admit it!”
“What the hell are you talking about, Laur? Josh doesn’t even look like me! He doesn’t look like her either! I can’t believe you would think that! Even if he was mine, don’t you think I would have taken responsibility?” He was yelling now. Why was she like that? Never trusting him. Always thinking that he was trying to get into every woman’s pants. There was a long pause. “Look,” He said softly. “I have to go. Josh is waitin’ for me.”
“John if you go now…I won’t be waiting for you.” Laurie said quietly. John couldn’t believe what she was saying.
“You can’t be serious, Laurie!” he grabbed his coat and reached for the door.
“I am, John. You go out that door don’t bother coming back to my apartment or calling me.” She stood there looking at him…he wouldn’t walk out on her. He gave her a Sideways glance then opened the door and left.
>>>>>>
Josh had fallen asleep in his car seat. John constantly give a side-glance towards him. He was such a happy kid. He didn’t have much, even less than John had when he was a kid, but he was always smiling. Always laughing. They were almost to the library where John took him every Wednesday. He would sit in the back while people would read the crowd of toddlers stories.
He gently pulled Josh’s tiny body from the seat and held him tight, covering him up in his jacket as he ran across the street. The rain was coming down in sheets and John pulled his coat around Josh to cover him from the icy water. Once in the library, Josh had woken up, so he set him down on the ground. John and Josh walked up to the sign in desk and started signing their names. Josh leaned sleepily against John’s leg, clutching at his hand.
“Oh, Hi John. Change of plan…the woman who was supposed to come in and read called in sick.” Sentia, the librarian, informed him.
“Johnny read a story?” Josh looked up at him with his yellowy-brown eyes. “Pease?”
“Umm…Is it all right? I could read somthin’ to them.” She gave John a smile and handed him a small, brightly colored book.
“What book?” Josh asked anxiously.
“If you give a mouse a cookie.” He chuckled to himself. “I love this book.”
“Read.” Josh insisted as John sat down on the ‘reading’ chair. Josh walked out to the crowd of children and sat down next to a redheaded little girl. John slowly opened the book.
“If you give a mouse a cookie…” He started and then cleared his throat. “If you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll probably ask…”
>>>>>>
“I’ll see ya later, Mandy.” Sydney said as she gathered her purse and coat. The rain was coming down so hard and she hoped that John and Josh had gotten to the library all right.
“Hey, Syd. Can you come in tomorrow? I’m a little short.” Mandy asked her as she cleared a table.
“Ummm…yeah.” She said as she rushed out the door and to her car. She had to stop by the mall to check out a sale at JC Penny’s. Everything was 50% off and she and Josh both needed some new cloths.
When she got to the mall the parking lot was full and she had to search for a few minutes to find a spot. She forced herself through the crowd of woman, ranging from 14 to 40. She saw a friend of hers standing in line for something. She was trembling from excitement.
“Michelle! Hey, what’s goin on?” Sydney asked as she pushed her way to where Michelle stood.
“He’s here! I can’t believe he’s here at our mall!” She squealed. She was 25 but was acting like a star struck 15 year old.
“Who?” She asked, but they were already at the front of the line. Sydney turned around with a smile to see the unknown celebrity. Her smile faded and her sapphire blue eyes widened.
“Jason from ‘Life’s Carnival’!” She replied excitedly. Not noticing her friends discomfort.
“Jim?”
“Oh my God. Sydney?” He replied. He stared back at her with his yellowy-brown eyes that peeked out from under his thick, dark hair.
She had to get out of there. She couldn’t breath. She turned and ran out of the mall. Her eyes watering.
Chapter 8
She was home. Finally. She let the hot tears that she had been holding back flow freely down her cheeks. Why was he here? Just when she was getting on with her life. She slowly slipped down the door and placed her head in her hands. Her slow soft sobs echoing through the apartment.
“Syd? Are you OK?” It was John. He had been asleep on the couch and had woken from the stifled wimpers coming from the door.
“Oh! John…ummm…” She jumped up and wiped her eyes. “Nothing. Um…hey where is Josh. Uh…how was story time?”
“He’s at Gladys’ for the night…remember. And don’t change the subject. What’s wrong?” He said as he walked up to her and gently rubbed her arms.
“I…I…” She started but started to break down again. He slowly led her to the couch and started rocking her gently in his arms. He decided to change the subject.
“I didn’t have such a great day today either.” He said once she started to calm down. “Laurie and I are through.”
“What happened?” She asked, her voice cracking a bit.
“We…we just had a conflict of interest.” He couldn’t tell her that they had a fight about her and Josh. They sat there for a moment. Holding each other. John had to know why she was so quiet. “Will you please tell me what happened?”
“I saw…him.”
“Who?”
“Jim…I saw him at the mall.” She said as she buried her face into his chest.
“Oh…I am so sorry, Syd.” He said as he held her tight.
“It just seems like we’re out of luck, John. Why does it always happen to the good people? He’s a big star now…and I am trying to raise a child. You are trying to start your career as a singer and she just wants to tie you down.” She mumbled. Then slowly raised her head and looked him straight in his misty blue eyes. “In the end…we really are alone.”
“We’re not alone, Syd.” He said quietly, he was looking so deep into her eyes she could have swore he was reading her thoughts. Slowly he lowered his mouth to hers. Pressing lightly, almost experimentally on her soft warm lips. They were moist from tears and seemed to tremble as he gently moved his against hers. He opened his eyes a crack to register her response to his forwardness. Her eyes were shut tightly and the small wrinkles between her light eyebrows were present. ‘She is so beautiful.’ He thought to himself as he closed his eyes again. She finally gently pulled away and looked at him. Her eyes were wide with shock and confusion.
“I…I…I’m sorry…I…” He started, but she quickly covered his mouth with her own, and they were again engaged in a kiss. He moaned softly as she moved closer to him. His strong, muscled arms came up around her and crushed her body to his. She ran her hands through his long, blonde hair and pushed his lips harder to hers. He gently laid her back on the couch so that his body hovered lightly over hers, taking great care not to place his full weight on her.
He placed his hand on her face gently rubbing her cheek, then her chin as he tipped it closer to him. He stopped kissing her lips moved to her eyelids, nose, cheeks and chin. He started down her soft, white neck and stopped right where her collarbone met the base of her neck. He gently nuzzled it and then placed his lips back on the milky smooth spot and tentatively sucked it. He was delighted when heard her moan softly and press him closer to her.
“You can’t hurt me, John. You have to promise not to hurt me. I can’t be betrayed again.” She looked at him in all seriousness.
“I could never hurt you, Syd. Ever.” He said softly and kissed her lips again.
***
They fell asleep there in each other’s arms, their breath slowing and echoing through the apartment.
Chapter 9
The light fluttered in through the blinds and onto the sleeping couple. Their soft breathing was mingled with the outside bustle of the streets. John shifted in bed so that his arms were pulled tighter around Syd. He slowly opened his eyes and gazed at her naked form still sleeping next to him. Her dark blonde hair splayed across his chest, contrasting sharply with his pale smooth skin. He gently stroked her hair and settled back against the headboard and closed his eyes.
Suddenly, a knock on the door roused him from his near slumber. Sydney started to toss and turn.
“Tell them to go away, John. Please.” She mumbled to him as she turned her back to him. He sighed and carefully got out of the warm bed. He blindly stumbled for his boxers, pulled them on, and groggily walked to the door. He pulled it open with a yawn.
“Yeah?” He mumbled.
“Oh I must have the wrong apartment……ummmm…..do you know where a Sydney Beck lives?” A tall man with dark brown hair stared back at John with his yellowy-brown eyes. John knew immediately who it was. He looked so much like Josh.
“Yeah she lives here, but I don’t think she wants to see you.” He said a little too politely.
“Um….it’s kinda important. See she was my girlfriend…..” He started, but was quickly cut off.
“I know who you are. I know exactly what you did to her too. So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll get out of here right quick. Understand?” John growled.
“Who is it, John?” Sydney’s soft voice floated from behind him. She appeared at the door wearing only John’s shirt. Her eyes widened at the unexpected visitor. “Why are you here, Jim? How did you get my address?”
“I looked you up in the phone book. Look I just want to know how you’ve been doing and I wanted to see…him.” Jim smiled at her and winked. He was always so sly. John was immediately pissed by this man’s actions. He wrapped his arm around Sydney’s waist and pulled her to his side. He felt so protective of her.
“Look…I don’t want you here. You don’t have any right to come back into my life. Me and Josh have gotten along just fine without you, and I don’t want to disrupt his life by adding you to it.” Her voice was barely a whisper, but her words were loud and clear to him.
“What about child support and all that stuff. I am kinda well off right now and…” He began.
“Look, Jim. I have done all right, even after you dumped me at a liquor store. I don’t want your charity and frankly, I just want Josh to believe that he has no father.” Her voice spat these words at him. John stood there, scowled at Jim, then closed the door.
“I’m proud of you, Syd.” He said as he wrapped his arms around her. She nuzzled into his chest and he could feel the hot tears on his skin.
“I just want to sleep. I have to go to work in a couple hours. But before that I have to pick Josh up, and take him shopping. Poor kid needs some cloths.” She babbled to him her voice muffled by his chest.
“You go ahead and get ready, Babe. I got some stuff to do. I’ll see you later. OK?” He asked lifting her chin to him. He looked deep into her dark eyes.
“All right.” She smiled. They walked back to the room. He slipped his jeans back on. She started to slip out of his shirt so she could give it back to him.
“Keep it. Now I have a excuse to come back later.” He gave her an evil grin. He pulled her close to his taunt chest and kissed her soundly on the lips. He released her and she smiled at him and walked him to the door.
“Are you sure? It’s cold out in the hall.” She said as they reached the door.
“It’s only a walk upstairs. I’ll be fine.” He leaned down and kissed her one last time before he walked out the door and she shut it behind him.
>>>>>>
Sydney got home at 7. She was exhausted. Work had been hectic with a business convention just down the street. Which meant plenty of customers. She carried Josh back into his room and gently tucked him in. Was it right for her to keep him from his real father? No. Jim wasn’t a father. He was just another man.
She opened her purse and took the envelopes she had gotten from her night school teacher out of it. She had sent out a few collage applications and these were the results of them. There were three. She slowly opened the one from NYC. Rejected. But she didn’t expect to get in anyway. Next was from University of Buffalo. She had been accepted and was to enroll on the 4th of the next month. The last one was from a college in California. She never remembered applying to a college in California. UCLA. She had heard things about this college. That it was extremely hard to get into. She slowly opened the envelope. Accepted with financial aid. It didn’t matter though. She lived in Buffalo why would she go to California when she had a wonderful life here.
She slowly removed the greasy, pink waitress uniform. She slipped into a pair of baggy gray sweats and one of John’s Band’s shirts. She walked into the bathroom and pulled the bobby pins from her hair, releasing it from the confines of her waitressing cap. While brushing the tangles from her hair she noticed something silver glinting from in the corner. Bending down and picking up the foreign object, she realized what it was. John had left his watch in there and must have gotten knocked to the floor.
Smiling to herself she decided to walk it up stairs and visit its owner. She checked on Josh one last time to make sure he was asleep and left. It was cold in the hall and her bare feet felt frost bitten. She hurried through the stairwell to the next floor. She reached the floor and started walking towards John’s apartment, but as she rounded the corner, she was halted dead in her tracks.
She could feel the tears well up in her eyes, but refused to let her self cry. John stood there, bare chested. This wouldn’t have been a problem if he wasn’t engaged in a passionate kiss with Laurie. Her coat was open, revealing a tiny black negligee.
Sydney turned back around and ran back to her apartment. Slamming the door she let the tears lose. How could he do that to her? Had last night meant nothing to him? What should…no…could she do?
Out of the corner of her eye she noticed the envelopes she had opened only minutes earlier. California. She would have to start packing tonight. She gently started placing Josh and her belongings into the cardboard boxes she kept in her closet. She stopped when she came to a picture of her, John and Josh as a baby. It was right after Josh was born, outside the small Catholic Church where they had baptized him. He would have been a great father. The way he held Josh close in his arm and how his other arm was around her shoulder. They looked like a family.
She quickly dismissed the thought and gently packed it away. She wouldn’t just have to start packing tonight. She would have to leave tonight. She couldn’t face him. She had to get away.
>>>>>>
“What a bitch.” John said as he closed the door and walked over to the fridge to get a beer. He stopped when he realized what he had reached for. Why did he still have beer in his fridge? He hadn’t had one in months. He sighed and pushed the brown bottles aside and grabbed a Pepsi.
He sat down on the couch and went over the recent happenings. Did she think she could just waltz in here and play it like nothing happened between them? Anyway, he couldn’t go back to her even if he wanted to. Not after Syd. God, Syd had been so great. He sat down on the plush, worn cushions of his couch and thought about the events he had just witnessed.
He had gotten early from his bartending job and was exhausted. He decided to take a hot shower and go to bed. When he stepped out of the shower and into his room, the lights were off and he saw a slender figure lounging in his bed. Smiling, he slid next to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. Then it hit him. This wasn’t Syd. No, this was definitely NOT Syd. It was Laurie. He shot out of bed and picked his towel up from the ground and knotted it securely around his waist.
“What the hell are you doing here?” He almost shouted.
“Who did you think would be in your bed?” She asked as she reached and turned the light that was on John’s night table on. She was dressed only in a black, silken negligee.
“No one.” He growled. “Please go.”
“Can’t we talk about this, Johnny?” She asked as she stood up and pressed her body to his torso. He pulled away and grabbed a pair of sweats from off his shelf.
“Look, I want you to be gone when I get out.” He slammed the bathroom door behind him. He dressed and dried his hair. Slowly he walked into the living room. She was still there. Sitting on his couch. “I thought I told you to leave.”
“You did.” She said as she got up and gave him a lustful smile. “I didn’t want to go.”
He grabbed her arm and her coat.
“Put it on.” He snapped. She slipped the coat on begrudgingly. He pulled her out into the hall. “Go home.”
“One last thing.” She begged, giving him her best puppy dog face.
“What?” His voice brimming with annoyance.
“This.” She grabbed his neck and forcefully pulled his lips down on hers. John was caught of guard by these actions. He wrapped his arms around her to steady himself. After a moment she pulled away, turned on her heel and walked off.
‘What a night.’ He thought as he gulped down the last of his Pepsi. He decided he would call Syd. He sat there as the phone rang and rang. ‘She must still be out.’ He got up off the couch and walked to his room. He gently slid under his covers and fell asleep.
>>>>>>
She was finished. She and josh had few belongings, but she had managed to pack eight boxes full. She walked over to her son and roused him from the little makeshift bed she had made him when she was disassembling his real one.
“Go seep, Mama.” He mumbled and groaned.
Her neighbor, Eric, had helped her to the car with the boxes. And when he asked her where she and josh were going, she would just reply, “Away.”
“Eric. Can I ask you one last favor?” She had just strapped Josh into his car seat.
“Of, Course. Anything.” He smiled.
“Could you give these to John for me. It’s very important that he gets them.” Just mentioning his name made her tear up. She handed him a small brown envelope and John’s watch.
“Sure.” He took them and stuffed them into his coat pocket.
“Bye, Eric.” She hugged him and slipped into the driver Side of the shabby car.
“Bye, Syd.”
He waved to them as they drove off into the cold, dark Buffalo night. On their way to California.
Chapter 10
John felt invigorated the next morning. He hurriedly got dressed and ran down stairs at 8 am. He gently rapped on Sydney’s door and to his surprise it opened a crack.
“You here, Syd?” He asked as he popped his head into the barren apartment. He slowly opened the door and gasped at the sight before him. There was nothing left except a couch, the fridge and Syd’s queen size bed. What was going on? John rushed next-door and banged on Eric’s door.
“What? Oh…hey John.” Eric said groggily, through the small crack of the door. He shut the door and John could hear the sounds of him unlocking the chain lock. He opened the door again.
“Where is she?” John asked hurriedly.
“She’s gone. She wanted me to give these to you though.” Eric walked farther into the apartment and came back to hand John his watch and the brown envelope. “Later.” Eric said as he shut the door in John’s face.
John ran up the stairs to his apartment. He slammed the door shut and jumped onto the couch, almost knocking the acoustic guitar that was lying next to it. He rushed to fasten the watch to his wrist.
Carefully he opened the envelope and pulled a baby blue paper from it. The feminine writing was tear stained. He started to read.
Dear John,
Isn’t it funny that this is a “Dear John” letter…a letter of rejection and abandonment. Only real funny part is the fact that I am not rejecting nor abandoning you. You have already done that for me. I am not mad…just hurt. Something you said you would never do was hurt me, but I guess that was a lie. You couldn’t love me I guess. Why would you? I just wish that you hadn’t used me.
I saw you in the hall. You could have told me that you and Laurie were together. It would have been better if you would have just told me. I could have handled it.
If you’re wondering why I left, it was because this was just too much. I love you. I think that I first realized I loved you when you took me down to the nursery to see Josh for the first time. I love you so much, but I can’t be around you anymore if you don’t return the feeling. It is just too hard.
Josh and I will be fine. Don’t worry. I’ll miss you and Glady and Kate. Tell them goodbye for me. Try to explain to Jake why Josh is gone. In his room is Josh’s favorite book. He wanted to leave it for you to read to Jake.
Goodbye, John. All I can say is that I asked you to promise not to hurt me…but you never did promised. You just said you wouldn’t. I hope you are happy with your life. I also hope that you and Robby get where you want to in the world.
Please, forget me. I am not bitter and I’ll live. But I will never forget you or that night.
I love you,
Sydney
John sat there. He let a hot tear slip from his eyes and fall on the paper. He got off the couch and started pacing the living room. He smashed his fists against the wall and rested his forehead against it. The tears were now spilling down his cheeks. His breath was ragged with sobs. He stomped into the kitchen and swung the refrigerator door open. His mouth was so dry. He reached for a Pepsi, then hesitated, and moved for a brown Coors bottle. He twisted the cap off and chugged it, threw the bottle in the trash and reached for another.
Later, he staggered downstairs and stomped into Josh’s bedroom. Then he saw it. Lying directly in the middle of the floor. Josh had left him his favorite book. It was “If You Give A Mouse a Cookie”
>>>>>>
“John? You there?” Laurie’s high voice echoed through his apartment. She had come back one last time. She heard the brown beer bottles that had piled up clank and clatter as she pushed the door open.
“Laurie?” He asked through his drunken haze. He didn’t care anymore. He was too drunk and too pissed to care what or who he screwed. He just needed a release. To make the pain go away.
“Yeah, Baby. It’s me.” John walked right to her and wrapped his arms around her. Her pressed his lips on her lips hard. The rest of the night was a blur.
Chapter 11
Two Months Later…
“Damn it!” Sydney nearly screamed as the water froze in contact with her body. Mrs. Murphy upstairs must have flushed the toilet again. This wasn’t the first time she hadn’t been able to enjoy a warm, much less a hot shower. She sighed as she washed the shampoo out of her hair with the freezing water. She had classes in about an hour and she still had to get Josh to the campus daycare center.
When she had reached LA she had decided to major in Dentistry. She had always had straight white teeth and had always taken exceptional care of them. Why not make living of it? She was already the 3rd in her class, which had surprised many of her teachers.
She slowly got out of the shower and went to get dressed. After classes she would have to go to work at the dentist office where she had gotten an internship. Thank God the pay was good enough to support her and Josh well. They had both just gotten over Bronchitis, and now they were both battling bad cases of the flu. Poor Josh had slept in the bathroom that night, just in case. They were both drinking inconceivable amounts of Pepto-Bismal.
Finally she and Josh were ready to go. They rushed out of the apartment to the car and left.
>>>>>>
“Johnny, Baby? You awake?” Laurie coed from beSide John. She rolled on top of him and started kissing his face. He slowly woke from his sleep.
“I am now.” He mumbled as he sat up and gently pushed her up off his lap. What had he been thinking? Why had he agreed to let her move in with him? Was he that lonely?
“Good. ‘Cause Laur-Laur wants to play.” She giggled as she pushed him back on the bed and started to kiss down John’s stomach.
“Well, John-John doesn’t.” he said curtly as he got out from under her and walked into the bathroom to get ready for practice.
“What the hell do you have stuck up your ass anyway, John?” She yelled at him through the closed door. He didn’t care. He knew that she wouldn’t be mad at him when he came back from practice. She never stayed mad. What was with him lately? It was as if he constantly needing someone to hold him up. The reasurrence that he couldn’t give himself was produced by those around him. He was starting to get scared at his dependency on others. Now that Syd was gone he knew he would crumble without that constant reassurance.
The hot water was comforting to his aching muscles. He didn’t even know why he ached anymore. He just did. It was an ache that couldn’t be treated because it came from inside, and he wasn’t sure if he would ever get rid of that feeling.
>>>>>>
“Go to the doctors.”
“No.”
“Go to the doctor, Syd. That’s an order. You and that little boy need to get better. Your body is telling you to slow down.” Jeff lectured to her. He was the head dentist at the clinic. Doctor Jeffrey Blair. Tall, but not too tall, dark, but not too dark, and very, very handsome. He had hired Sydney a month ago. The two had become great friends, but Jeff always wanted more, and Syd knew it. There was just something about him that she couldn’t get over, something that didn’t sit well with her. It was like the person she saw in front of her now was not the person that was really inside, behind the perfect smile and hair. But he was always so kind to her and Josh, always so understanding. It also didn’t hurt that he was gorgeous.
“Jeff, I’m fine.” She protested.
“Syd, will you please just go. I am begging you.” His eyes pleading with her. She looked up at him. How could she resist those big brown eyes?
“Fine.” She groaned and got up and grabbed her stuff.
“I knew you would see it my way.” A grin spread across his face.
“Shut up.” She laughed to him as she walked out the door to go pick Josh up.
>>>>>>
“We just have to do a little more tweaking and the album will be done.” Robby stated as he flopped down on the couch that was outside of the recording booth. John was standing next to the window that looked out onto the busy main street. He watched as cars whizzed by, as lives flashed by. “You OK, John?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah…I’m fine. Almost finished? Already? That was quick.” John mumbled, mostly to himself.
“Tell me about it. I guess that decides it.” Robby’s voice was twinged with sadness.
“Decides what?” John turned to his friend with a look of confusion.
“Well…our new years resolution. Sober is better.” Robby chuckled ruefully.
“Oh, Yeah. I had totally forgotten about that.” John smiled half-heartedly. What he was really thinking was the fact that he had started that resolution because of Syd. She was why he stayed sober, but she was gone. Why didn’t he drink now that she was gone? In fact, why wasn’t he drunk at that moment? He knew why. It was because something inside of him whispered that she might come back. A faint hope glimmered that she would walk through the door of his apartment, smile at him, and rush to him with arms wide open.
He could still taste her lips, her tongue. He could feel her body pressed tightly against his. He could remember how it felt to be inside…never mind…he wouldn’t think about that. It was too painful to think about what he might never experience again. The bottom line was he didn’t want her coming back and finding a drunken slob, like he had been the night she had left.
“John?” Robby snapped him out of his revere.
“Huh?” he replied dumbly.
“I said we still haven’t thought of a name for this album. Got any ideas.” John’s eyes blinked blankly at his friend. Then in a three words he sealed his pain in an everlasting phrase.
“Hold Me Up”
>>>>>>
“Well, it seems Josh here has the flu. Not much he can do other than sleep, drink lots of juice and watch Sesame Street.” Dr. Bombridge replied cheerily as he handed Josh a purple sucker. The little boy snatched it up greedily and plunged the sweet into his mouth. His face adorned brightly with a smile. “Here is a prescription for some antibiotics which will help with some of the symptoms he’s been having.”
“What about me, Doc?” Sydney smiled to him. “Don’t I get anything to help with my symptoms?”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.” Dr. Bombridge turned to Josh, “Why don’t you go play out in the waiting room with all the toys for a few minutes? OK Josh?”
“Okay.” Josh smiled to him as he sucked vigorously on the sucker, his lips stained purple. He ran out of the room. Dr. Bombridge shut the door behind him.
“What is it?” Syd asked, the worry written across her face.
“Syd. Your pregnant.” He stated bluntly. Her face fell and she grasped for something to steady herself on. She resorted to sitting down in a near by chair.
“What? No. I can’t be, I mean…” She trailed off.
“The tests are quite clear Syd. You are most definitely pregnant. Almost exactly two months.” He walked over to her and placed a friendly hand on her shoulder. “I take it this wasn’t planned?”
“No.” She whispered as she stared blankly at the floor.
“Did you take precautions with the man you slept with?” He asked gently.
“I…no…I didn’t.” She shuddered as she felt the tears well up in her eyes. Her and John hadn’t even thought to use a condom that night and she wasn’t on the pill.
“Do you know where the father is? Do you want us to call him?” He got up and headed towards the phone on his desk.
“No. He…I…He’s…” Syd stumbled on her words. Finally, she looked up at him; “He’s dead.”
>>>>>>
John shot up in bed, chest heaving, the sweat pouring from his forehead. God, what an awful dream! He clutched the blanket closer to himself. It had been horrible.
He dreamt that Syd was sitting in a corner crying…Josh was standing next to a crib, his small chubby hand poking through the bars to the unknown entity in it…He had tried to call out to them, tried to make them listen, but they never heard him…Josh was now clutching to Sydney’s leg as she gently coed at whatever was in the crib…Then it looked like a happy scene…Nobody was crying…Nobody was sad…John just wanted to run and join in on the wonderful family like bonding that was taking place in front of him…he saw what was in the crib…it was a baby…duh…he should have figured that out…he started to walk toward them…then Sydney turned…She looked at him with a piercing glare.
“You’re dead.” She said to him. Then John had woken up.
He slowly sat back in bed his breathing slowing. He was just drifting off to sleep when he heard the phone ring. It was on Laurie’s Side. ‘If she wants to get it, she will.’ He thought to himself. He felt her shift in bed and grab the phone. Groggily she answered.
“Hello?” no answer. “Hello?” still no answer. She hung the phone up mumbling “Damn prank phone callers.”
Then John was asleep. He wasn’t dreaming anymore. He wouldn’t for a long time.
>>>>>>
Syd slammed the phone down as soon as Laurie had hung up. She knew it was Laurie. It had to be. Sydney had called hoping to tell John…to see if there was any reason he would want to be a part of this baby’s life. Those dreams were shattered now. He was Laurie’s, and that meant she had to ruff this alone.
She slowly walked into Josh’s room. She gently sat down next to him on the bed. He must have instinctively felt her there, because he shifted so his head was on her lap. She gently brushed his hair with her fingers. She loved him so much, and money hadn’t been that tight lately. Another child would just be one more person to love. Right?
She kept brushing her son’s dark brown hair, her other had slowly creeping to her flat stomach. With a wave of grief washing through her she began to weep.
There was no one her for her now. She was alone. She was so very alone. As the tears fell down her cheeks, the only thing she could think of was a song. The song meant everything and nothing.
How did I love you?
there was no measuring
far above this dirty world
far above everything
in your tower over it
you were clean
so warm and insightful
were you in my eyes
I was sure the rightful
guardian of my life
damn you betrayer
how you lied
but for seven years
you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns
around your feet
for seven years
I bowed down
to touch the ground
so wholly your devotee
you were
all I could see
I've got my sight now
I see everything you hid
so don't you try to right now
all the wrong you did
I might forget you
but never forgive
but for seven years
you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns
around your feet
for seven years
I bowed down
to touch the ground
so wholly your devotee
for seven years
you were so revered
I made offerings of
anything and everything I had
you were
all I could see
~Natalie Merchant, "Seven Years"
~*~The End~*~
Title: Past Is Never Far
Author: Dizzy
Summary: Sequel to “Too Young, Too Late.” What happens when John finds his past and faces the impossibility of his dreams of happiness with Sid? Can they find a way to one another or is all lost?
Chapter1
Summer of 1996…
“Madi! Madison, you get your chubby little butt over here right now!” A small blonde girl turned to look at her mother from across the park. She smiled her bright white smile and started to run toward her. “I called you a million times, Madi!”
“Sorry, Mama.” Madi smiled to her. “Jimmy played with me!”
“Oh he did, did he. What did you two play?” She asked the giggling child.
“We played Batman and Robin!” She said excitedly.
“Oh! Were you Robin?” The mother asked as she fitted her child into the car seat.
“Nooooo…I was Batman! Jimmy was Robin.” Madi grabbed a book that was lying next to the seat and started flipping through it. “Where we goin’, Mama?”
“It’s ‘Where are we going’, and we’re going to go pick your brother up from school.” She said as she slid into the driver’s seat.
“Oh, I don’t wanna go pick up the nerf head.” Madi crossed her arms in front of her chest defiantly.
“Madison, I told you to stop calling him that!” Her mother snapped.
“Sorry,” she mumbled. “Mama, what’s that?” She asked pointing a chubby finger to a small plastic object that was resting on the dashboard.
“It’s my driver’s license, honey.”
“What’s it say?” Madi asked curiously.
“It says that I have blonde hair and blue eyes.” She looked over at the toddler who was no longer interested.
“Oh, but your hair isn’t blonde. ” Madi looked at her mother’s light auburn hair with a confused expression.
“That’s because I dye it, Madi.”
“Oh. OK.” She looked back to the driver’s license. “What’s that say?”
“That’s my name. Sidney Beck.”
>>>>>>
“Mom. What’s for dinner?” Josh asked from his seat next to Sidney.
“I thought I told you this morning.” He shook his head. “Well, I’m going out with Jeff tonight. So that means Jean is coming over to watch you guys.”
“Yay! Jean always makes ‘ghetti!” Madison said cheerily in the back seat. Josh scowled at her.
“Ya know mom, Jeff’s kinda weird.” Josh replied, turning his attention back to his mother.
“What do you mean?” Sid asked, her eyes creased with confusion.
“I dunno. I mean, I know you’ve known him since I was little, and you’ve been goin’ out with him for like a year or something, but I kinda don’t trust the guy.” Josh stared out the window as if searching for his answer among the endless line of track homes. “He just doesn’t seem, I dunno, genuine. It’s like he’s hiding something.”
“Yeah, and his shoes squeak.” Madison added matter-of-factly.
“You’re a dork.” Josh mumbled.
“So. You’re a Nerf Head!” Madi shot back, punctuating her remark by sticking out her tongue.
“What did I tell you two about calling each other names?” Sid said sternly as she pulled into the driveway. She turned off the car and gave the kids a smile that belied the nagging feeling that she should heed their childish warnings. She quickly dismissed the feeling as she popped the trunk and started gather the groceries to take into the house.
It wasn’t a big house by any means, but the blue stucco home more than met their standards. The neat and trimmed lawn had a large oak tree standing directly in the middle of it. From one of its long, sturdy branches hung a wooden swinging love seat. Madi ran out of the ford escort and jumped on it. She pumped her legs to get it to swing softly. “Josh, help me with these groceries.”
“Why doesn’t Madi have to help?” he whined as he trudged over to the trunk.
“Because she’s 4…your 8. Get over it.” She handed him two bags and gathered the rest for herself.
“Mommy, I am almost 5!” Madi said defiantly.
“Sorry. Almost 5.” Sidney rolled her eyes. “Madi, Honey? Could you get the door for us?” She asked handing the house key to her daughter.
“Need help?” A voice said from behind Sidney.
“Oh, Jean! Thank God! Can you take these?” She asked handing Jean two of the bags she was carrying. Jean was around 5’4 with long brown hair that was now pulled back into a ponytail. She had a sweet smile and brown eyes that seem to give off their own light.
“Sure” She said grabbing the bags as they walked to the front door.
They walked into the pristine white kitchen and set the food down on the small island table located directly in the middle of it. They started to unload the groceries.
“I don’t get it, Sid.” Jean chuckled as she put the milk into the refrigerator.
“What?” Sidney turned her attention away from the pantry to look at her friend.
“Paige is only 2 and my house is a wreck. You have two children, both in a destructive stage, and your house is spotless. I just don’t get it.” She concluded as she leaned against the counter.
“I don’t either. They…I don’t know…they just don’t make messes.” Sid started to laugh with her friend. “Hey, where is Paige anyway?”
“She’s with Dan. They went to a Dodger game. God, it suprises me sometimes how much they are alike.” Jean grabbed her purse and pulled out a small rectangular picture. “Oh here. For Easter, Dan’s parents got her portraits taken.”
“What a cutie! Does she ever stop smiling?” Sid asked as she stuck the picture to her fridge with a P magnet.
“Nope,” Jean giggled as she grabbed a Pepsi from off the counter and sat down at a large, oak dining room table. “So, how’s the practice goin’?”
“OK. God, if it weren’t for Jeff, I would have no patients. I mean, I couldn’t ask for more. He is one of the top dentists in LA, and believe me, to be his partner, it’s almost impossible not to be successful. Plus, I’m 25. Do you realize how hard it is to get to the status I have gotten to as a 25 year old?” Sid flopped into a chair next to Jean and opened her Pepsi. “Really hard.”
“God, I don’t know how you managed. I mean, first you have Josh, after the father left you. You start going back to school, get pregnant with Madison, and her father dies, and now you have a successful dentistry practice in LA.” Jean was shaking her head and looking down at her feet. “Ya know,” she lifted her head to look at Sid. “I have known you for almost 4 years now, and you still haven’t told me how Madi’s dad died.”
Sidney shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She looked out into the living room where Madi was sitting, watching TV. Her dark blonde hair was falling into her sapphire blue eyes, and her small mouth was pursed into a frown. Her nose was sprinkled with freckles and her long, dark eyelashes brushed her short bangs.
She didn’t look anything like her father…except…her mouth. When she smiled she gave a full toothy grin, and when she was unhappy her thick bottom lip jutted out from under her thin upper lip. She was such a beautiful little girl. Every once and awhile Sid was sure she could see a small dimple in her daughters chin, but every time she tried to inspect it closer, it seemed to disappear.
“If you still don’t want to tell me, I understand.” Jean said quietly. “I guess I was just curious. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s OK. Umm…It was a car accident. He never knew about Madi.” Sidney got up from her chair and walked into the kitchen to throw her Pepsi can away. There was a long silence. The only sound was the high pitched voice of Elmo emanating from the TV. “Well, I better get ready for my date. Thanks again, Jean.”
“Hey, it’s fine. Just remember to return the favor once and awhile.” Jean smiled as she walked into the kitchen and started to boil a pot of water.
“You bet.”
>>>>>>
“Are you going to tell me where we’re going, Jeff?” Sidney giggled as she rode next to him in his mustang.
“Nope.” He laughed to her, just as Sidney felt the car stop. “We’re here anyway.” Sidney got out of the car and looked at her surroundings. They were parked infront of what looked like a small nightclub. “This place has great Italian cuisine, and they read poetry and have live singers performing on stage while you eat. Plus I got a surprise for you later tonight!”
“Oh, Jeff! It’s wonderful!” Sidney clutched at his arm as they walked into the restaurant. They were placed in a small booth facing the stage. It was so dim in there that it seemed the only light emanated from the small candles that were placed on each of the tables.
The waiter came and smiled with his full toothy grin and asked them for their orders.
“I’ll have the Fettuccini Alfredo with a dry white wine, and she’ll have the penne pasta in the oil and vinaigrette sauce with water.” He closed the menus and passed them to the waiter.
“Actually, Jeff, I thought I would get the Ravioli this…” Sid was abruptly cut off by Jeff.
“Ah come on Honey, you know how you feel after a heavy meal! Plus, your always complaining about how food goes straight to you hips, I’m only trying to help you out.” He said dismissing her request. Sid’s checks get hot with a slight embarrassment as the waiter waited for her reply. She gave him a slight nod, which he returned as he walked away from them. The incident was soon forgotten though when a young woman with an acoustic guitar started playing a beautiful Old World Italian melody. Their food came and they enjoyed the entertainment and just when Sid thought they would call it a night, Jeff quickly turned to her.
“Sid? This is our year anniversary right?” Jeff was looking at her with a cheesy grin on his face.
“Yup. A year to this date when I first allowed you to take me out.” She giggled and pecked him on the cheek.
“That’s what I thought.” He smile grew wider. He suddenly rose from the table. “I’ll be back in a minute. All right?”
“OK. Don’t be long.” He left and Sidney kept herself content by watching the tall, skinny man dressed in all black recite his poem, “Torturous Words From A Tortured Soul.” The fun part, for her, was to try to keep from laughing. She was digging around in her purse for her lipstick when she heard it. Quickly she looked up and nearly burst out laughing as Jeff walked up on stage.
“Ummm…. I’ve never done this before. I don’t really have a poem to read or a song to sing, but I do have a question.” He turned on stage to look at Sidney. “Me and my Girlfriend, over there,” The spotlight swung around and focused on her. “Have been going out for the past year, and I like her alot. She has made me so happy already and her kids are already like family to me.” He slowly got down on one knee and pulled a small blue box from his coat pocket. “That’s why I wanted to ask her, here tonight. Sidney Lynn Beck. Will you do me the great honor of being my wife?”
It was as if the entire crowd took one deep breath with her. Everything was quiet. She didn’t know what to say. Her heart pounded as she tried to come to grips with what had just been asked of her. He was a great guy, and he didn’t care that she had two children already. He had been so nice to her and had helped her get on her feet when she was low. Yet she couldn’t help but feel like she was missing a important vantage point of his personality. Something that she should notice. She shook her head, as if to rid herself of the negative thought she just had rolling in her mind. She gave a big smile, then her answer.
“Yes!” She shouted to him as she got up made her way through the crowd to the stage where he was still kneeling. He placed the ring on her finger. It was a white gold band with a large diamond centered in the middle with two rubies on either side.
“Oh, God, Jeff.” She breathed. “It’s beautiful.”
“Not as beautiful as you are.” He placed his lips softly on hers.
Chapter 2
John shifted on the hard, hotel mattress. God, what a hangover. What the hell had gone on last night? He turned to grab for the light that was next to the bed. Then he heard it. A low feminine moan. Not again, he thought to himself.
He turned the light on and was greeted by the sight of a naked brunette sleeping next to him.
“Shit,” he mumbled as he lit a cigarette. The brunette slowly opened her eyes. She looked disoriented. She slowly sat up, clutching the thin white sheet to her chest. She looked at John and a smile spread across her face.
“Mornin’ handsome.” Her Texan accent was thick and slurred with sleep.
“Hey,” He mumbled as he slowly slid out of the bed and walked into the bathroom and turned the shower on. Hot, scalding water poured from the silvery spout onto his tense body. His long hair hung in his eyes as he placed his hands on either side of the shower head. He let out a deep sigh as the water seared his back.
He nearly jumped out of his skin as he felt a pair of slender hands slid up his back and over his chest.
“What the fuck are you doing?” He nearly screamed as he whipped around to face the fear struck girl.
“I…I…just thought…” She stuttered. “I thought I could join you! Ya know…for a pick-me-up.”
“Thanks, but no thanks.” He turned the water off and stepped out, wrapping a towel around himself. Once out into the room he turned to her and sighed. “Look. I have to leave soon. I have to be in LA by tomorrow. I had a great time with you, but I think it’s time for you to go.” He hated trying to get rid of the groupies.
“What the hell? So you just wanted me to give you a good suck and fuck…now you think you can just blow me off?” She slapped him across the face, “Screw you, Johnny Rzeznik. You may be a frickin’ Rockstar…but that doesn’t give you the fucking right to do that to people!”
John’s jaw went tight. He hated when they overreacted. “Put your damn cloths on and get the fuck out.” He turned away from her. Soft sobbing was heard from behind him, accompanied with the sound of cloths being pulled on. A minute later he heard the door slam shut.
John slowly dressed in his usual traveling attire. A pair of jeans and an oversized shirt of some kind. He pulled his converse sneakers on and brushed his hair out of his eyes. Gathering his belongings he grabbed his room key and started downstairs. He gave his key to the check out lady, signed an occasional autograph and made his way to the front of the hotel where the tour bus was sitting. He sighed as he flopped down on one of the couches in it.
“Hey, Johnny.” Robby jumped onto the bus and threw his overnight bag into the corner of it. “Dude, you look like shit. Rough night?” He chuckled.
“Man, shutup.” John grumbled from his spot on the couch.
“Does Laurie know about your little evenings of indulgence?” Robby asked with a quirked eyebrow.
“I am not doing anything she’s not doing. Ya know, she thinks she’s real smooth about it, too.” John started to laugh bitterly. “That bitch tries to make it sound like there’s no one in the room with her sometimes, and I have keep myself from screaming to her that I know there is someone there!”
“Man, that sucks. I didn’t know, Johnny.” Robby sat next to him on the couch. “Why are you two still together? If your both so unhappy.”
“A couple months ago, I am sure she would have been more than happy to get a divorce, but that was before ‘Name’ hit it big, Man. Now she’s like some kinda frickin’ leech. If I tried to divorce her now, she would leave me high and dry.” John was now pacing the floor of the bus. “Where the hell is Mike? We’re ready to go, but he’s not here.”
“Don’t change the subject, John. You know you have been really…I dunno…different ever since Sid…..” Robby stopped in mid-sentence. He remembered the last time he had mentioned her name.
John’s eyes flared with the bright light of anger.
“I am fine…it has nothing to do with her!” He smacked the wall and looked menacingly over a Robby. He would never hurt Rob for any reason, but anyone else would have had a broken nose by then.
“Fine, whatever.” Robby sighed. Just then Mike walked onto the bus. He was rummaging through a brown paper bag. “Where the hell you been, man?”
“Huh? Oh…I went down to Taco Bell.” He smiled shyly. “Man, those beans are amazing.”
With Mike’s last statement, the tension in the room was lifted enough so they could all share a laugh. The bus started and they were on their way to California.
>>>>>>
“What the hell do you mean ‘I should get my teeth fixed’? What’s wrong with my teeth?” Johnny ranted angrily. He, Robby and Mike had reached LA only an hour earlier. They had been rushed into a meeting with their public relation’s manager.
“Nothing’s wrong with your teeth, Johnny. We just thought, ya know, they could be capped off, it would just make them look better.” Dwayne, the Public relations manager, mumbled nervously. He knew Johnny was known to have a short temper.
“John, it might not be that bad of an idea. I mean, you are famous now, perfect teeth would just help make you become the ideal rockstar.” Robby chuckled at him, punching him lightly in the arm.
“I’d do it, John.” Mike said from behind the group. “You are the frontman of this band. You gotta look good for us.”
“Mike’s right, Johnny.” Robby agreed in all seriousness.
“God Damn it…fine…whatever…I don’t care anymore!” He threw up his hands and walked defeatedly over to the couch and flopped down next to Mike.
“OK.” Dwayne’s cheery voice rang through the room. “Here. This guy is GREAT. He does all the stars. Best in LA. Actually, that new kid he trained ain’t so bad either. Either way your gonna get it done right if you go to them.” John reached up and took the small white business card and read it.
“Dr. Jeffrey Blair. We Cater to Cowards!” John read sarcastically off the card. “That’s corny as hell.”
>>>>>>
“Look at the size of that diamond!” Jean nearly screamed as she looked intently at Sidney’s engagement ring. “Babe, if you don’t want him…can I have’em?”
“What would you tell Dan?” Sid giggled.
“Dan who?” The two women laughed. Every Wensday they would meet in their favorite bistro for lunch. They sipped their coffee as they talked and picked at the piece of boysenberry pie that was in front of them.
“I can’t believe it, Jean. I am finally getting married! I mean, I found a wonderful, kind, talented…”
“Not to mention sexy and rich.” Jean interrupted.
“Yeah that, too.” Sid laughed. “But I mean, I have two kids already, and he doesn’t care. He loves me and my children. Life’s perfect!” Even as she said the words she felt something tugging at her heart. Everything wasn’t perfect. She wanted to love Jeff with all her heart, except that there was one gaping hole in the middle of it…it belonged to someone else. It was an open wound that never seemed to heal.
“But...” Jean looked at her with worried eyes. It was as if she could sense Sidney’s emptiness.
“It’s nothing…really.” Sid smiled and turned away from her friend. Jean gave her an incredulous look and Sid crumbled. “I guess I still have reservations about loving someone else.”
“Is this about Madi’s father?” Jean got her answer in Sid’s silence. “He’s gone, Sid. You gotta let him go sometime and bet on with your life.”
“Yeah, I know you’re right.” She wiped at the corners of her eyes. “Thanks,” She smiled. The two friends shared a heart felt glance.
“Oh! Damn it! Look at the time! I got an appointment in like five minutes!” Sid jumped up from the table. “I’ll see ya later.” Sid got up and walked hurriedly out the door.
>>>>>>
“I don’t wanna go!” John whined as Robby pushed him through the door of the office.
“You already said you would go, John.” Robby mumbled, he was annoyed to the point of Homicide.
“Hey, I am aloud to change my mind aren’t I? This is a big deal!” He moaned as he was pushed into an overstuffed leather chair that was set in the waiting room of the elaborate office.
“Sit down and Shut up for god’s sake!” Robby gave him ‘the eye’ and went to go sign John in. John sat their, nervously flipping through the pages of magazines. He hated dentists. He had never told Robby that, but he had a deep-rooted fear since childhood. Drills had always made him queasy, as did needles. “OK. You got about 5 minutes. Relax. These guys are professionals.”
“I sure as hell hope so.” He grumbled as he sunk deeper into the cushy seats and sulked.
“Hey, Michelle. Sorry I’m late. Is my 2 o’ clock here?” A woman ran through the door of the office and went strait to the check in desk. She grabbed a pile of folders and walked into the back room.
John had buried his nose into a magazine, but Robby had noticed the young woman who had rushed in so suddenly. He had only seen the back of her, but she looked so familiar. She almost looked like…he quickly dismissed the idea and returned to the task of prying the magazine from John’s clammy hands. A nurse opened the door leading to the back rooms as she flipped through a folder. “John. We’re ready back here.”
John smiled to her nervously as he gripped tightly to the arms of the chair. Robby gave him a swift kick in the shine to snap him out of his daze. John jumped out of the chair with a start. He shot Robby a piercing glare and hobbled to the door. The nurse smiled up at him and held the door wide open.
“You’ll be in this room.” She said as she opened the door to a tiny office a directed him to a stiff dentist’s chair. John sat down and stared nervously around the room. “Dr. Beck will be with you in a minute.” John smiled at her again, then snatched a magazine from the side pocket of the chair, waiting patiently for the dentist to come.
Chapter 3
John waited nervously. Every sound from outside the door frightened him. He knew every second that ticked by led him closer to the syringes and drills and other instruments of torture dentists’ possessed. He flipped passed another page in the magazine, pausing slightly to look at the picture of a 4runner. The door opened suddenly and John ripped the picture in half.
“Shit,” He shouted. He turned to see a tall, broad shouldered man standing with a clipboard.
“Hello, Mr. Rzeznik. How are you today?” The man walked up to him with a wide smile. “I’m Dr. Jeff Blair. You can call me Jeff.” John looked nervously up at Jeff. He had perfect gleaming teeth and a shock of light brown hair.
‘Almost like a movie star.’ John thought to himself.
“Well, I’ll call you Jeff if you call me John.” They shook hands and Jeff turned to find his chair. Once he was sitting he returned to looking at his clipboard. “I thought I was going to be seen by Dr. Beck.”
“She had to go home. One of her kids called home sick from school and she needed to pick him up.” Jeff said seriously, then smiled back at John. “But don’t worry. I taught her everything she knows…it’s not like your getting a dud of a dentist.”
“Well, that’s all right with me. You got the most experience…that just makes me feel better.” John laughed nervously.
“Why don’t you open up your mouth. Your PR manager told me that you wanted your teeth capped off…to make them look better. Is that right?” Jeff asked as he scooted his stool to John’s side.
“There’s a big difference between wanted and forced…but yeah…I guess that’s what I want.” John opened his mouth and cringed at the cool steel that entered his mouth.
“Well, your teeth look pretty good. We should have no trouble with the caps. I’ll have Michelle make an appointment for you to come in and get them done. I’ll just make a quick mold of your teeth.” Jeff got up from his chair and came back a few minutes later with a mouthpiece full of plaster. “Here, just bite down on this for me…I’ll be back in a minute with your appointment card.” Jeff came back five minutes later as promised. He pulled the hardened mold from John’s mouth.
“That stuff tastes like crap!” John sputtered as he moved his jaw experimentally. His hand rubbed it gently to relieve the stiffness from it.
“Tell me about it.” Jeff chuckled as he filled out a card. “Well, John you’re all done. It’s Monday now…so we’ll see you on Friday. You’ll get your caps on then. It should only take an hour and it’s pretty painless.”
“Cool.” John said jumping up from his chair. “See ya then, Jeff.”
“Oh, I won’t be putting your caps on. Sidney will.” Jeff said as he handed the card to John.
“Whose Sidney?” John was starting to feel uncomfortable.
“Oh, that’s the dentist you were supposed to see today. Sidney Beck. She’ll be putting your caps on. Well, I really must go, John.” Jeff left the room.
John just stood there in shock. It couldn’t be the same Sidney. HIS Sidney. But then, it was such an unusual name…not really…but still.
John walked out of the back room to where Robby was waiting for him. John didn’t say a word but walked out of the office and to the car. Once in the car, Robby turned to John, concern in his eyes.
“What’s wrong.” He asked as John turned the key and the vehicle rumbled to life. John turned to look at him. It was as if he had the words “No Bullshit” etched into his face.
“I think I’ve found Sid.” With that he turned back to the road ahead of him. Robby knew better than to talk to him. John’s knuckles looked as if the bones would pop out at any minute, he was gripping the wheel so hard.
A moment later the silenced was broken by screeching tires. John quickly braked and ran out of the car to a nearby phone booth. Robby was about to go after him until he saw what Jon was doing.
John flipped through the pages of a phone book until he seemed to find what he wanted. He ripped the page out and ran back to the car.
“I’ll drop you off at the hotel.” John’s voice was low as he folded the thin paper and stuffed it into his pocket.
“Fine.” With that they rode in silence.
Chapter 4
He crossed out another name on the tattered and torn piece of paper. He had made three stops. All dead ends. He was surprised at how many S. Becks’ there were in LA. This is the last one for the day, he told himself as he parked his car outside of a small, cozy looking blue house. He sat there for a moment, as he had done when he was outside of every other house he had visited that day. If this was her house, what would he say to her? How could he tell her that she was all he could think about for the past five years?
He shook himself mentally and got out of the car. He noticed as he walked up the driveway that two bikes where lying on the lawn. One was blue and sparkly with training wheels still bolted to the back wheels, obviously made for a little girl. And then there was a red mountain bike, carelessly thrown to the side of the walkway. John made his way to the door and hesitantly rang the doorbell. Nothing. He rang it once more, and a few moments later he heard someone fumbling with the door.
John sighed as he saw the young boy who had answered it. He knew instantly he was at the right house. The boy looked about 8 and had dark wavy hair, but it was the eyes that John noticed. They were the same yellowy-brown eyes that he remembered from so many years ago. John had to hold himself from reaching out and hugging the boy.
“Hi, Josh. Uh…you don’t remember me but…” John started.
“Oh my Gosh! Your John Rzeznik! From the Goo Goo Dolls!” Josh’s eyes widened as he grabbed John’s hand and shook it fiercely. “Wow! You guys are so cool!”
“Uh…gee…thanks…um…I was kinda wondering if your mom…” John started again.
“Josh whose at the door?” John froze. He knew that voice. God he had missed that voice.
“Mom! You’ll never guess!” Josh swung the door farther open to reveal Sidney standing there drying a dish. She looked up from her son to John. Her smile slowly faded.
“J-J-John.” She stuttered as she dropped the bowl she was drying to the floor. It fell with a crash and scattered into pieces on the floor. “Shit! I mean…oh God…Josh go to your room…”
“Mom…”
“Josh! Go!” She growled as she kneeled down to pick up the shattered bowl. The bewildered boy turned and started to walk into deeper into the house. John, meanwhile, had started to help Sidney pick up the remnants of the dish. Once they were done she stood and looked at him long and hard. “Why are you here, John?” Her voice was barely audible.
“I’ve been looking for you. I…I…went to the office where you work.” John blushed a bit. It had never been so hard to talk to Sid, even when they had just met.
“Well, you found me.” She shifted nervously to her other foot. “Umm…would you like to come in?”
“Sure.” He walked through the door into the tidy house. She made a quick trip to the kitchen to throw away the broken dish. She came back to find John sitting on the couch looking at his surroundings. “He’s gotten big.” He stated as she sat down in the chair across from him.
“Yeah, well, he’s 8 now.” She sat ridged before him, not really knowing what to say.
“I know, same birthday. Remember.” He gave her a lopsided smile and she felt herself nearly melt just looking at him.
“Oh yeah.” They sat there for a few more moments, in total silence.
“Look, Sid. I need to know. Please…” His big liquid blue eyes pleading with her.
“Know what John? What do you need to know? Huh?” The tears she thought had disappeared so many years ago started to pour from her eyes. Her voice hitched a little higher as she stood up and turned away from him.
“I need to know why you left without telling me…you didn’t even wait to let me explain what happened.” He was now standing to. He paced back and forth on the dark beige carpet, running his hand through his shoulder length blond hair.
“Why should I have, John? You used me! You slept with me and then went back to Laurie! You just couldn’t leave me alone could you? You just had to come back and rub the fact that I couldn’t have you in my face. You should just leave.” She was now sobbing as she leaned against the window.
“That’s not what happened.” John whispered.
“What? I saw you, John. I saw You!”
“That’s not what happened.” John sat back down on the couch. “I didn’t go back to Laurie after that night. I came back home from my job bartending and found her in my bed. I tried to get rid off her but she wouldn’t go away. Finally when I got her out she kissed me. I went back inside and tried calling you, but you didn’t pick the phone up. The next morning I went to your apartment to find it empty. Then there was the note…” John was now burying his face in his hands. He wouldn’t let her see the tears that were begging to stream down his face.
Sidney was just standing there, her eyes wide in shock. She braced herself against the wall. She thought John was finished, but he kept talking.
“I…I thought that you would come back. I thought that it was some mistake, that you would give me a second chance, but you never came.” He wiped his eyes a looked up to where she was standing. He couldn’t help `but notice the subtle differences in her appearance. Her once blond hair was now a soft auburn, instead of being long like it had been it had been cut short. The front seemed to touch her chin then rise up into a drastic bob in the back. She was dressed in a pair of tight stone wash jeans and a tight blue top.
After another short pause, Sid turned to him. Tears in her eyes.
“Then why did Laurie answer when I called?” her voice trembled with emotion as she remembered that night so many years ago. She felt so alone that night.
“I…I…she came back…and I didn’t want to be alone…I had lost hope that you would come back to me…I…Oh God Sid…I just couldn’t be alone.” He couldn’t hold the rush of wetness from his eyes any longer. Sid slowly walked to him, gently resting her arm around him. They sat and cried, John held her tight and reveled in the feeling of being able to touch her again. To be able to talk to her. After a few minutes Sid lifted her head to look at him. She sat up and adjusted herself, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand.
“So…how’s life been? Obviously you and Rob made it big…finally. How’s Gladys and Jake? Oh and Julie. Did Kate ever get married?” She smiled to him. It was good to feel like she could talk to him again.
“Umm…yeah…we made it big. Uh…Jake is good…he’s having a ball playin’ hockey now. Julie is still in her acting classes…that kid loves it. Kate did get married. To Eric no less. They have a daughter now, Kayla. Gladys is good.” He smiled at her, hoping there was no trace of the tears he had shed left on his face. “So what about you? Looks like your doin' pretty good for yourself. Josh seems to look healthy…didn’t kill him with your cooking yet?”
“Ha Ha Ha…very funny Rzeznik. You know damned well that I can cook with the best of them.” She giggled and playfully punched him on the arm. It felt just like old times. “Yeah, I am doing pretty well for myself. I got my dentistry license from UCLA. And I was able to afford the house and a car that actually ran!” They both laughed at the memory of the beat up old Buick. Sidney suddenly sobered, “Actually, I’m…” She paused and held up her ring. The diamond shining a delicate pattern onto his face.
“Your married?” John was in shock, he knew it was possible, but he had just led himself to believe that she would always be single. Always be his Sid.
“Not yet. We haven’t set a date yet.” She looked down at her ring.
“Wow. Congrats…who…” He started.
“Jeff Blair…I work…”
“With him. Yeah, I met him today. Nice guy.” He stared down at his shoes. He suddenly didn’t like the guy as much as he had.
“Yeah, he really is,” She shifted in her seat, “So, you still with Laurie?”
“Um…yeah…not like I wanna be, but ya know…if I divorce her now…I’ll be broke…and we’re already having some financial problems with our label…bunch of assholes.” He got up off the couch and straitened himself up.
“Any kids?” Sid asked, averting her gaze from his. John gave a disgusted snort.
“Definitely not.” John shook his head. “I couldn’t see myself having kids anyway.” Then silently added, at least not with her.
“Oh, yeah.” Sid shifted uncomfortably. “Guess I always saw you as a family man.” There was an awkward silence that lasted for a long while.
“Ya know, I think I should be going. I got a concert tonight. It’s the end of our BNG tour.”
“Yeah. It was nice seeing you again.” Sidney stood up with him.
“Look, I don’t care if you’re getting’ married…I wanna be a part of your life again. We were great friends remember? Three years, Sid. I want to start that again.” He hugged her and looked deep into her sapphire eyes.
“I would like that, John.” She smiled. Just then the door opened. Sid gasped, she had totally forgotten about Madison.
“We’re here!” Jean yelled as she walked through the door. “Picked up Madison for ya.”
“Madison?” John quirked an eyebrow.
“Oh. Whose this?” Jean asked as she set her purse down on the kitchen table and looked John up and down.
“I’m John. An old friend of Sid’s.” He shook Jean’s hand. Suddenly two blond blurs whizzed past the three adults. Sid was tackled to the couch by a small 3ft 4 figure.
“Hey you! How was school?” Sid laughed as the small girl hugged her.
“Fun! We sang today! I learned three new songs. Me and Jimmy are going to start a band! Like the girl you listen to…Sarah…Mc…Mc…” The little girls face crunched into a look of thought as she tried to remember the name of her mother’s favorite singer.
“McLachlan, honey.” She sent the girl on the ground and she ran over to Paige who was standing close to her mother’s leg watching the tall man in the living room intently. “John, this is my best friend Jean Gooding and her daughter Paige.” She turned back to Madi and picked her up. “And this is Madison Grace.”
“Hi, Madison Grace!” John smiled to her. “So you have a daughter. And how old are you Madison?”
“Call me Madi. I’m 4 and a half!” She smiled her wide bright smile and John couldn’t help smile back.
“Well, it’s nice to meet you Madi.” He shook her small hand and grinned up at her. His joyful demeanor belied his actual feelings.
Sidney looked at the two looking at each other. They really did have the same smile. Hopefully no one would notice. She had to keep this a secret. For Madison’s sake.
But someone in that room did notice. Jean’s smile fell as she witnessed the resemblance. She would definitely have to have a talk with Sid.
Chapter 5
Jean, Madison and Paige had gone out to the back yard to play, leaving the two alone in the living room.
“So, you have a daughter?” John asked, his face devoid of emotion.
“Yeah.”
“She’s almost five, huh?” He asked, his voice starting to twinge with anger. Sid knew had to put a stop to this, and rid him any suspicion that Madi was his.
“Yup. She’ll be five soon.”
“So is she..”
“She’s not yours, John.” She quickly cut him off. “I met someone a couple weeks after I left. He died in a car crash before I could ever tell him about her.” There, that should have stopped his questions.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” He said quietly. He was a jumble of feelings. Anger, at the man who touched his Sid. Disbelief, that this situation had gotten so far out of hand. But mostly pain, pain because Madi wasn’t his.
“Mom? Can I come out yet?” Josh whined from inside his room. Sid had totally forgotten about hi.
“Oh, Gosh! Uh…yeah Josh come on out.” Josh swung his door open and ran out into the living room where she and John were sitting. Jean, Madison and Paige had gone out to the back yard to play. “Josh, this is Johnny Rzeznik. He’s an old friend of mine and yours.”
“He is?” Josh asked curiously as he grabbed a Pepsi and sat Indian style on the floor in front of them.
“Yep. I remember when you were just a little tike. I was with your mom the night you were born.” John smiled at the child and ruffled his hair. Josh gave a lopsided grin and looked up at him. “You used to be best friends with my nephew. Jake.” The boy’s eyes lit up at the name. He got up from his position on the floor and ran to his room. John gave Sid a confused glance. She just shrugged and smiled.
“Him? Is this Jake?” Josh came back panting, he had ran so fast that he could barely catch his breath. John took a wrinkled picture from the small boy’s hands.
“Yeah! Hey I remember this!” John started to laugh as he showed the picture to Sidney. “We went to Niagara Falls with Gladys. You two were running around all over the place. We finally got you settled down to take a picture of you two. See those feet?” John pointed to a pair of converse sneakers in the corner of the photo. The two boys were pointing and laughing at them.
“Yeah.” Josh said as he squinted at the picture,
“That’s me. You two tackled me right before the picture. I forgot why though.” John smiled and scratched his head thoughtfully.
“You stole their pop-sicles.” Sid giggled at the memory. John turned to her with a wide smile.
“Oh yeah…I guess I did.”
“Mom. Do you have any pictures?” Josh looked up at his mother with his wide yellowy-brown eyes. “What did you look like back then. I can’t remember.”
“Umm…” Sid sat quiet for a moment then slowly got off the couch. She walked to the kitchen cabinet and opened the cupboard above the stove. She rummaged around in it until she found what she was looking for. “Here.” She handed it to Josh.
John knew just by looking at the frame, what the picture was of. He remembered that Julie had made it for Sid for Christmas one year. He remembered how Sid had picked the girl up in a full, hard hug and thanked her. It was the first gift she had gotten since had moved to Buffalo, and she promised Julie that she would always take good care of it.
“What the heck is wrong with your hair?” Josh nearly shouted. John was startled out of his revere by this comment, and looked down to see what he was pointing at.
“What?” He asked indignantly as Sidney doubled over laughing. “No really. What?”
“That was at Josh’s Baptism.” Tears were starting to come down the corners of her eyes. “Instead of putting your hair up in the Mohawk or the bushy, long thing you usually did, you…you…hic…” Sidney was laughing so hard now that she started to hiccup. “You slicked it back.”
“And what was wrong with that?” John crossed his arms in front of him, trying to suppress his laughter.
“You have the STUPIDIST widow’s peak I have ever seen in my entire life.” Sid clutched her sides at the memory.
“Ahhh…Shut up.” He playfully punched Sid on the arm as the two started laughing together. Josh, who had a short attention span, was now watching the TV, which had carelessly been left on. “I think our little spell of nostalgia has been lost on our young friend here.” John said as their laughter subsided.
“Tell me about it.” Sid wiped her eyes and stood up. “Well, Johnny. It was great seeing you again. We have to get together more often.”
“Yeah, we do Sid. It’s been too long. All because of a stupid misunderstanding.” Both were quiet for a moment. Both contemplating what might have been.
“I’ll see ya later. Kay?” Sid smiled as she walked him to the door.
“Yeah, Friday.” John said as he stepped out onto the porch.
“Friday?” Sidney’s expression was pure confusion.
“Yeah, you’re puttin’ my caps on.” He gave her an over exaggerated smile, showing all of his teeth.
“Oh, right. Yeah, I’ll see you then. We’ll go out to lunch or something…ya know…before. Kinda like a last meal.” She giggled and gave him a quick hug and as they parted she looked deep into his soothing blue eyes. “I really missed you John. I’m glad we cleared everything up.”
“Me too, Sid.” He leaned down and hugged her one last time. “Me, too.”
>>>>>>
Sid gently shut the door to her daughter’s bedroom. Madi and Paige had fallen asleep right after John left and Josh had run off to tell his friends about his exciting encounter with the Rockstar. She sighed as she sat down on the couch and rubbed the back of her neck.
‘That went well.’ She thought to herself as she absently traced the pattern stitched into the sofa with her index finger. She still couldn’t believe he had found her. She had to admit, he was still the same level headed, funny and incredibly endearing Johnny Rzeznik she left behind in New York. And by God, did he look as sexy as ever. She loved the way his shoulder length hair had fallen into his eyes haphazardly, how he would push it out of his eyes to rest behind his ears, how his flannel shirt hung loosely from his trim and slender frame. God, she remembered his warmth and his touch and…
She shook herself suddenly from that state of mind. Remembering what you can’t have but want oh-so-badly can never be a good thing. Especially when your engaged. Madison. She had wondered if he suspected that she had lied to him about Madi. Their mannerisms were so much alike. She hoped to God above that she was able to keep this secret. With John’s career just starting out and Madison entering kindergarten, it was best for her to keep it from both of them.
Sid was startled out of her revere by the soft dipping of the couch beside her. She turned to see Jean sitting next to her. The expression on her face wasn’t the usual bright smile that Sid had become accustomed to. No, now her mouth was pressed in a thin line and her eyes were tightly shut as if she were contemplating something. Finally her eyes opened and focused straight on Sid’s.
“So,” She started. Her gaze was piercing. “You know John Rzeznik.”
“Yeah. He and I are friends from way back.” Sid shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Why did she get the feeling that she was being interrogated?
“Really? So where did you two meet?” Jean’s voice didn’t waver as she asked her questions.
“Umm…outside a liquor store in Buffalo. It was awhile ago.” Sid cleared her throat before she got up off the couch. She had just about reached the kitchen before Jean's voice rang out again.
“Why don’t you just tell me the whole story, Sid?” There was a pause of utter silence. “I got time.” Sid turned slowly to face her friend. Not just her friend, but her best friend. What she saw in Jean’s deep brown eyes was understanding and sympathy. Sid’s body relaxed as she finally realized that she could tell Jean everything. She didn’t have to hold it in anymore.
“Oh God Jean.” She sniffled as she made her way back to the couch. “Why did he have to find me. I really did miss him, but this just makes everything so God damned Complicated.” She sobbed as she rested her head on her friend’s shoulder.
“Shhh…it’s OK. Just tell me everything. It’ll make you feel better.” So Sid started from the beginning. She started from that night at the liquor store, to the night Josh was born, to the night John had told her he had quite drinking for her and then to the night they had made love.
“That’s what it was, Jean. It was making love. Not having sex or fooling around. It was love. And I threw it away because I didn’t give him a chance to explain. What the hell have I done.” Sid buried her face in her hands as her body convulsed and jerked from her weeping.
“Honey, you were 19. You didn’t know any better. You thought you had been betrayed. And gathering from your past, that was obviously something that you just couldn’t handle. Yes, it was a mistake, but you’re only human. You were no more than a girl.” Jean gently rocked Sid back and forth with her arms tightly wrapped around her shoulders. She hated to see her friend in such pain, but what else could she do but sit there and try to comfort her.
“If I would have just waited to hear his side of the story, if I had just picked up that damned phone, things could have, would have been different. Josh and Madison would probably have a father, we wouldn’t have had to move, and I…I…”She sniffled once more and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, “I wouldn’t have been so alone.”
“I know, I know. I feel for ya.” Jean gently stroked Sid’s short auburn hair and continued to rock her. “But as I recall it. You have a handsome, rich, caring man who loves your children as much as he loves you. And if I’m not mistaken, you’re wearing a pretty good size rock on that left hand of yours.” Sid gave a low muffled giggle and sat up.
“Yeah. I know. Jeff is pretty special isn’t he.” She grabbed a tissue and wiped her eyes dry. ‘But he’s not John.’ She thought. There was just something about Jeff that seemed so wrong, but she always just chalked it up to her being biased towards John.
“I would think so.” Jean smiled to her. Then her face turned serious once again. “When are you going to tell John about Madi? You can’t keep it from him forever.”
“I can’t tell him, Jean!” Sid gasped as she stood up from the couch. “He can’t know.”
“Why the hell not, Sid? You think you would realize by now that this whole secret situation between the two of you is just not working out.” Jean huffed to her as she too stood from the couch.
“John has just started his new life, Jean. He’s famous now, that’s what he wanted. I don’t want that ruined for him. It wouldn’t be fair to him…or to Madi.” Sid said so softly you could barely make out her words.
“What wouldn’t be fair? Personally I think he would be happy…no…overjoyed at the fact he has a daughter. And Madi needs a father.” Jean nearly growled.
“John told me he didn’t want any kids!” Sid nearly screamed as she started into a fresh round of sobs. She gave herself a moment to stop crying and straightened herself up. “Madi is getting a father, and so is Josh. It would just complicate things. It could cause a scandal around John if it got out that he had an illegitimate child. I also don’t want Madi growing up with the idea that she is some bastard child of a Rockstar. I don’t want anyone to think of her that way. She deserves more. I don’t think John would want that for her either.” Jean just shook her head and quietly added.
“How will you know if you never tell him.” With that she quickly walked to Madison’s bedroom and retrieved her sleeping child. “I hope you know what your doing, Sidney. I really do. Just remember the repercussions of secrets. They always seem to slip out. And I have a bad feeling that ones like these can come back to slap you in the face.” Jean turned and walked to the door. She opened it and turned. She took a long hard look at Sid, then spoke, “I’ll see you on Wensday…for coffee.” The two women smiled at each other and then the door was shut.
Sid was alone in the house. At that moment she didn’t know what was scarier. Having John come back, or being alone with nothing but her thoughts for company.
Chapter 6
“Did you find her?” Robby asked when John walked into his hotel room. A grin spread from one ear to the other. John flopped down in the chair next to Robby’s bed.
“Yep.”
“Did you to work things out?” Robby asked as he sat up from his reclining position.
“Yep.”
“Are you going to see her again?”
“Yep.”
“Is it possible for you to say anything besides ‘Yep’?”
“Yep.”
“Then for the love of God, say something else!”
“She’s not a blonde anymore.” There was a pause in which Robby stared long and hard at his friend, who was still sitting there grinning like a fool. Suddenly they both started to crack up.
“So I guess this means you’ll have to divorce Laurie now. Huh?” Robby smiled to his friend after their laughter had subsided; knowing the relief he would feel once released from the shackles that were his marriage.
“Why would I do that? She would still suck me dry, man. I have no reason to divorce her now.” John’s smiled dimmed a bit and he sat up straight in his chair.
“I just thought since you and Sid found each other again, you two would…ya know…be together.” Rob’s face contorted into a look of confusion. John looked down at the ground as a pause stretched by in the minutes. Finally John looked up from where he was studying his hands.
“She’s engaged.” John’s voice was so quiet you barely hear it, even in the silent room.
“Oh,” Robby shifted uncomfortable on the bed, “I’m sorry man. I know that you were really hopin’…to be together.”
“Yeah, well, I kinda knew somethin’ was up when I meet her daughter.She met a guy a couple weeks after she left, but he died in a car crash. And as far as I know,this new guy, Jeff, and her have been together since she came to Cali. She…she…” John’s voice was cracking, and in an instant, Robby knew that his happiness earlier was just an act.
“Man, You can tell me. Just take a minute.” Robby placed a companionable hand on his back as he tried to contain himself.
“Her daughter, Madison, she’s only four. That means that Sid had to get over me pretty damn quick. I mean…I know I’m not one to talk, I married Laurie a year after she left…but I dunno…I know I was thinking of her the entire time. It just seems to me like she didn’t have a second thought afterward.” John’s chest was heaving from his emotion. He fought to keep himself under control.
“John, don’t think like that. I’m sure she was probably in the same state that you were in. I mean, at least you knew what was wrong, she left you a note. But she thought that she was betrayed, man. She probably just needed comfort.” Robby stood up and grabbed on of the hotel glasses from off of the mini bar. He filled it with coke and handed it to his friend. Suddenly, John’s earlier words hit him full force. “She has a daughter?”
“Yeah,” John took a sip of the sweet, bubbly liquid and smiled up at his friend. “She’s a cutie too. She has Sid’s blonde hair and blue eyes. I used to think what her daughter would look like, to tell you the truth, I couldn’t imagine a more perfect little girl.” Robby observed his friend as he talked about the child. He looked genuinely happy. “What a talker, man. She told us everything that happened to her today. Get this, she said she’s gonna start a band with her friend Jimmy.”
“Really? Huh, high aspiration’s for a, what? Preschooler?” Rob took his seat next to John again as he saw him calming down.
“Na. She’s real smart. Sid skipped her right to Kindergarten. She told me that Madi can already read. Dude, I was struggling with that shit until I was at least ten.” John chuckled and scratched his head.
“Geez. She sounds like a hell of a kid John. How’s Josh.” Robby got up and walked into the bathroom.
“He got big, Rob. The kid’s a titan.” John stood up from his chair and started towards the door. “I gotta go. I’ll catch ya later.”
“OK.” Robby replied as he swiped a razor carefully across his foam-covered cheek. “Oh, Hey, John.”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think Sid and her kid’s would wanna come to our gig tomorrow?” Robby asked as he wiped the remaining cream from his face.
“That’s a good idea man. I’ll call her up tonight.” John gave a bright smile to his friend then walked out the door.
Chapter 7
Sidney was abruptly woken from her sleep by the shrill ring of the phone that was lying on the coffee table next to her. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes she fumbled with the phone until it was placed tightly to her ear.
“Hello?” Her voice sounding soft and raspy.
“Hey, Baby.”
“Oh, Jeff, Hi. What’s up?” Sid straitened up on the couch, gently pulling at her ruffled clothing.
“I’m calling from the airport, Babe. Emergency over in the Frisco clinic.” Sid could now here the hustle and bustle in the background. And the faint monotone voice declaring ‘Flight 1839 to San Francisco is now boarding.’ “Look, I’m sorry about canceling dinner tonight, but I really have to go.”
“I understand, it’s all right.” Sid’s voice was light and happy, but inside her heart lurched. “When are you coming home?”
“In about a week. Are you going to be fine without me?”
“Yeah. Don’t worry about me.”
“I really do have to go, Baby. See you in a week.”
“All right, Jeff. I lov…” Her endearment was cut short by the sharp disconnection. She gently set the receiver down into the cradle and proceeded to get up and walk to her daughter’s room.
“Hey, Sugar,” Sid gently shook her daughter’s arms as she muttered her pet name. “Wake up.” Madi blinked rapidly and opened her deep blue eyes wide. “You need to wake up or you won’t get much sleep tonight.”
“If I’m sleeping now, Momma, then it won’t matter if I sleep tonight.” She replied groggily.
“Now you know that’s not true. Get up sleepy head.” Sid smiled. The telephone rang loud and Sid stood up from her daughter small bed. “You better be up when I get back!” She glared at Madi playfully then walked out of the room to pick up the phone.
“Hello?” Sid asked as she pushed her hair behind her ears with her free hand.
“Sid? That you?” It was John’s voice she heard on the other side of the phone.
“Hey, Johnny!” Her faced was adorned with a smile that was meant only for the person on the other side of the phone.
“Hey. I have to go get ready for ‘work.’ I was wondering if you, Josh and Madi wanted to come to our gig tonight. Free tixs and backstage passes.” John coaxed. She mulled it over for a moment before she answered.
“All right. What time? And where?”
“8 o’ clock at UCLA in Royce Hall. OK?”
“I’ll see ya then. How do we get in?”
“Just go to the front and give security your name. They’ll give you your tickets and backstage passes.” John’s voice suddenly changed and took on a soft quality, “I’m really glad you guys could come.”
“Me, too, John.”
“I’ll talk to ya later?”
“Yeah.” She cleared her throat then spoke steadily into the phone. “Bye, John.”
“Bye, Sidney.”
>>>>>>
John paced nervously in his dressing room. Was she going to come? When? He stopped in front of the mirror and messed with his hair for the seventh time that night.
“John. Calm down. Your gonna give yourself a heart attack!” Robby said looking up from his magazine.
“What if she doesn’t come, man? What if she doesn’t want me around her kids? What if she just doesn’t want me around anymore? What if…” John was abruptly cut off by Robby’s high pitched chuckling.
“What if What if! Jeez, John. You need to chill. She not going to stand you up. This is Sid we’re talking about.”
“I know, man. But what if she’s not the same Sid we remember? Things change. She’s older, independent, she has another child.” John sighed as he sat down in the straight back chair. “Why was I so stupid, Rob? God Damn it!” He slammed his fist against the wall.
“John, there ain’t noting that you can do now. You’re married. She’s engaged. She has a family with this man. You can’t break that up” Rob turned away as he saw John’s shuddering form, letting him maintain what dignity he had left. “But you can be her friend. You can be like it was before that night. Her friend, her protector, her brother.” That said Robby grabbed his base and left, stopping only to pat his friend on the back.
The only sound in the room were the soft sobs, and a single phrase. “I don’t want to be her brother.”
>>>>>
“Are you sure there is no Sidney Beck on there? John Rzeznik himself said he would put me and my kids on it.” Sidney struggled to push Madison back up her hip while trying not to raise her voice to the ox of a security guard.
“Look lady. Don’t think that I never get this, although the kids are a nice touch.” Sid glared at him and he sighed, “Just because you have kids, I am going to give you some advice. Mr. Rzeznik tells all the chicks he sticks it to that he’ll let them backstage. He never does. Sorry babe.”
“What the hell! I have known John for almost 8 years! I do not need your sh…crap!” The security guard stood his ground with an incredulous look on his face.
“Look ya little…”
“Don’t finish that sentence.” Came a Robby’s light voice from behind the human barricade.
“Oh, sorry Rob. Do you know her?”
“Yeah.” He said coming forward with a bright smile. “I’ve known her for awhile.” The man moved out of Sid’s way and she pulled Josh and Madi through the gates with her.
“Robby! It’s been forever!” Sid squealed as she ran to him, Madi bouncing on her hip, and engulfed him in a hug. “ How have you been?” Robby hugged her back tightly.
“I’ve been good, kid. We missed ya!” Robby turned to the little, blonde toddler cradled on ids hip. “Look at you! You must be Madison. John told me all about you.” She giggled as he tickled her cheek. He was startled. When she smiled she looked like…no he wouldn’t think that.
“We met him today. He was nice. You’re nice too.” The little girl leaned over to her mother and whispered in what she thought was a secretive voice, but Robby heard none the less. “I like him, Momma. He has cool hair.” Robby gave her one last pat on the head then turned to where Josh stood and kneeled in front of him.
“Hey. I remember you. You were such a small kid, but look how you’ve grown!” Robby exclaimed as he tousled the boy’s dark hair.
“Why does everyone say I’m small! Yeah I’m short…but is that such a crime!” Josh said passionately.
“We are not short!” Robby smiled and yelled so that the heads of some of the backstage maintenance turned. “We are just vertically impaired!” Josh laughed and Robby slapped him gently on the back. “Well, I guess I should go get John. He’s been dyin’ to see you guys.” Sid stiffened a bit, smiled, then nodded. She still wasn’t used to the idea of seeing John again. Old habits die-hard.
Robby took off and came back a few minutes later with a slightly nervous John tailing behind him. He smiled and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
“Hi, John!” Josh said as he ran up to him. John flashed him a 100-watt smile.
“Hey ya, Kid!”
“Thanks for inviting us, John. They’ve never been to a concert before!” Sid smiled to him as she came up and gave him a tight hug. They pulled apart when John felt a giggle against his shirt. Looking down he saw Madi’s Sapphire blue eyes nestled between them.
“Hey there. What’s up?” The girl giggled as she shimmed up her mother’s side.
“The sky, you silly!” They all laughed, but there little reunion was cut sort by a sharp nasally voice.
“Stop horsing around you two! You’re on in 2 minutes!” It was Dave. Their uptight and pain in the ass of a manager.
“We gotta go. But we’ll see ya afterwards. We can talk then. Catch up some more.” John said as he gently pushed back a strand of her short auburn hair and placed it behind her ear.
“All right. I’ll see ya then.” Sid swallowed hard. Then he and Robby ran off to the stage.
>>>>>
“You guys were great! I can’t believe it! Your sound is totally different from when I left.” Sid gushed as they walked out of the stage area. Madi was asleep on John’s shoulder and Josh grasped lazily at Sid’s hand.
“Yeah, well, we just sorta thought we were going in the wrong direction. After “Jed”, we dropped the punk act cause we realized that we could toy around with melody and harmony.” He gently set a sleeping Madi down in her car seat. She whimpered a bit as he unhooked her arms from around his neck. “Shhh…go to sleep, darlin’.” He whispered as she settled in the seat. Sid paused a minute to watch the exchange between the two. She felt her eyes start to water as she saw how Madi shook herself from sleep for only a moment to gently kiss John’s cheek. She set Josh in the car and buckled him in. Walking over to her side of the car she stopped in front John.
“I had a great time, John. I’ll see you later?” She asked as she threw her purse in through the car door.
“Of course. Look Sid. I’m gonna be here in LA for awhile. Would you…would you mind too much if I started coming to see ya more often. Ya know, like old times.” Sid stilled. Was he asking if they could start a relationship again?
“B-b-but you’re married and I’m eng…”
“No! Not like that!” He laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck. “Before that, Sid. When we were…when we were friends.” Sid smiled at him and engulfed him in a bone-crushing hug.
“I would love that, John.” She pulled back and looked meaningfully into his deep baby blue eyes. “I’ve missed you so much. You were the best friend I ever had…when I thought I lost you…the only thing that kept me alive was Josh and Madi.”
I’ve missed you too. I was a mess after you left. I…I kept lookin’ for ya, but I couldn’t find you, until now.” He turned his head, hoping she didn’t notice the hitch in his breath. “I…I’m so happy to have found you.” Wiping her eyes she smiled her watery smile.
“Me, too.” She leaned up to kiss his cheek and stepped into the car. She started it and waved as she drove away. “Me, too.”
John smiled feeling better then he had in years. She was glad to see him. They were going to try to be friends again. Although it wasn’t what he wanted. What he wanted was her, in his arms, as his friend, but also his lover. ‘My wife.’ The thought startled him and he shook himself. She was getting married. He WAS married.
He walked onto the tour bus. Robby and Mike were already asleep on the couches. He settled down at a table and grabbed a Pepsi from the fridge. He reflected on the night with a smile. He had his friend back. That’s all that mattered.
He feel asleep without a care in the world. He never did reflect on Sidney’s words. “When I thought I lost you…the only thing that kept me alive was Josh and Madi.” Never registered, as it should have. Maybe fate wasn’t on his side…That night.
Chapter 8
4 months later…
“Happy Birthday to you!” The room sang gleefully. “Happy Birthday to you!” Madi’s bright five-year-old face smiled in the dim room. “Happy Birthday dear Madison!” The lights were turned off and the glow from the candles surrounded her like a halo. “Happy Birthday to you!” Madi giggled and blew out her candles.
“That was fun!” She shouted.
“What did you wish for, Madison?” Jeff asked from the corner of the room, sipping lightly at his white wine spritzer. He had moved in with Sidney, Josh and Madi the month before and took no time at all making the house his own.
“If I told you then it wouldn’t be a secret now would it.” Madi’s face screwed into one of disdain. She did not particularly like Jeff. Sid could never understand why both her and Josh took such a disliking of him. He had been nothing but caring for them, but the children remained distant.
“Well birthday girl. What do you wanna do next?” John asked, breaking the cold silence that had settled upon the room.
“Presents!” She shouted, once again jubilant and bright. Paige ran and grabbed a bright purple and green wrapped box with her chubby hands.
“First.” She said in her childish voice and handed the colorful present over to her friend. Madi squealed as she ripped the paper off of the box.
“Ruby slippers!!!!!!!” Madi shreeked as she pulled the glittering red shoes from the box.
“Paige picked them out.” Jean replied as Madi slipped them onto her feet and grabbed the next gift.
The day went one with presents, cake and screaming toddlers. Finally everyone went home. Madi was asleep in her room with Paige, Josh was lying on the couch, trying his hardest to stay awake as he watched a rerun of Scooby Doo, and Jeff was out at the office.
Sidney and John sat in the kitchen each nursing a Bud. It was a comfortable silence, each was exhausted. John’s face was adorned with a bright smile and he lounged lazily in his chair. He loved parties, even for kids.
“I can’t believe you came.” Sid said as she stood up and went to the fridge for an apple. “Don’t you have to do some of your big Rockstar duties?”
“Nah…Haven’t had those in awhile. Rob and me are on a break. Mike, he’s the new drummer, went to Texas to visit some of his family. So, basically, I’m free.” He shot her a goofy grin and walked into the living room. He gently scooped Josh up into his arms and carried him to his room. He came back a moment later and sat down on the couch Sidney was now occupying. “Out like a light. Gee, that kid can sleep.”
“Tell me about it. When he was little he was always up before I was, ya know, trying to get ready by himself and stuff. He hits age 5…becomes nothing but a couch potato.” Sid giggled as she flicked the TV off with a remote. She leaned back against John’s shoulder and swung her legs over the side of the couch. “But that’s OK. He’s my Couch Potato.”
“Yeah. I’m surprised he’s so big! When he was first born, he was so small and…I dunno…pink.” Sid giggled against John’s shoulder. He lifted his arm up and draped it around her.
“He was tiny. He had me scared for awhile, but boy, did he get big. He’s so active. Did I tell you that he was chosen as captain of his soccer team this year? He’s great. I wanted to get Madi into a sport, but she wouldn’t let me. Now she wants to be in the city youth choir.” Sid yawned and snuggled closer into his arm. It was just a friendly embrace, right? She never felt comfortable just sitting and talking with Jeff. He was always moving, never stopping to enjoy anything.
“That’s great. I think she would be good! I heard her singing around the house. If she’s not into sports, maybe that is the thing for her.” John laid his head back on the couch and let his eyes flutter closed.
“Yeah. I’ll try getting her in after Christmas.” John sat straight up and turned to Sid.
“I almost forgot! I wanted to ask you something!” Sid’s eyes grew wide at his sudden outburst. “I wanted to ask you a favor. Can you do that for me?”
“Depends on what it is, John. But I’ll do anything in my power for you.” Sid laughed. He looked like a kid going to Disneyland.
“I want you and the kids to spend Thanksgiving with me. Just like old times. We can see the family and stuff.” John said excitedly.
“John I couldn’t afford that! Three plane tickets to Buffalo would cost a fortune!” Sidney gave John an incredulously.
“Sid, It’s not like I’m strapped for money. I could buy you guys the tixs.” John smiled and offered in a coaxing voice.
“That would cost a lot of money, Johnny. It doesn’t matter if you’re friggin’ Bill Gates; I don’t like taking things from people. I’m not saying its charity, cause it’s not. I just don’t like taking stuff.” In a softer voice. “Plus, it’s your family. They probably don’t even remember me.”
“That’s not true, Sid.” John laughed nervously as he ran a hand through his sun-streaked hair. “When I showed Gladdy and Kate your note, they just about killed me. They really loved you like a sister, and they still love you. They want to see you again. I know it.” Sid smiled wide. She had lost her first family, but had gained a new one years back. She knew she always thought about them, but it warmed her heart to think that they still thought about her too.
“It’s still a lot of money.” Now she was just making excuses. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see them. Now she was just scared. What if they had changed; What if SHE had changed?
“Sid, please let me get the tickets for you.” John got down on his knees and she giggled as he jokingly pleaded with her. “Please please please! We’ll just call it a Christmas present.”
“That’s a pretty expensive Christmas present, John.” Sid was quickly losing her resolve to say no.
“Please, Sid. It’ll be my present too.” He got up from his kneeling position and gently held her hands in his own. “It’ll be like having the family all together again.” She looked into his eyes and saw the sincerity in their depths.
“Alright, John.” She smiled and he jumped up and engulfed her in a bone-crushing hug. “So when do we leave?”
“Three weeks from Monday.” His smile faltered when Sid looked concerned. “Don’t worry, I’ll get you back before your December 12th. Can’t miss your wedding can ya.”
“Nope. So how long are we staying?” She quickly changed the subject. She didn’t know why, but she always like to steer away from the topic of Jeff while talking with John.
“About a week and a half. Until the 8th. Is that OK for you? We can celebrate our birthdays this year.” John was getting up and pulling his keys from his pocket.
“Yeah. That’s great.” She glanced at the clock. “Wow. It’s 12 o’ clock already! You must be beat.”
“Wow, it is late. I love kids but screaming 5 year olds does tend to wear one out.” He laughed. “I’ll go and order the tickets tomorrow. Bye, Sid.” He hugged her tight then walked to the door.
“Bye, John.” She smiled and walked to bed.
Chapter 9
Three weeks later…
“You almost ready to go?” John called from the living room. Jeff sat in the recliner and eyed John warily. He didn’t trust him. Jeff could see that John liked Sidney a little more than in just a sisterly way, but she had his ring on her finger.
“What Airline are you going on?” Jeff asked setting his paper down.
“Delta.” John’s voice was monotone. He felt as if he were taking somebody’s daughter on a date, not taking an old friend to New York for Thanksgiving.
“What time will you be back?” Jeff stood up and grabbed a wine cooler from the fridge.
“December 8th at 9pm Pacific Standard Time.” John looked down at his watch and started to pray that Sid would hurry up.
“That’s four days before the wedding. You better have her back on time.” Jeff nearly growled. John really wished Sid and the kids would get down there. He wasn’t afraid of Jeff, sure it would be a tough fit, but he would most assuredly win, but he didn’t want to start things off badly with his friends soon to be husband.
“I’ll be down in a minute!” Sidney yelled from her room. A moment earlier Jean had called to say goodbye.
“So you got everything?” Jean asked over the whirring of the washing machine coming from her side of the phone.
“Yep. Clothes, makeup, camera, book and travelers checks.” Sid sighed as she struggled to zip her suitcase closed.
“Great.” Jean paused. “One more thing.”
“Hmmm?” Sid mumbled as she carried her bag to the edge of the stairs. “Hold on a sec. Madi! Josh! Get your stuff to the stairs!” she turned her attention back to the phone. “What were you gonna say?”
“When are you gonna tell him?” Jean asked bluntly.
“Jean! How many times do I have to tell you.” Sid hissed softly into the phone. “I am not telling him. You know why.”
“Hun, you need to tell him sometime! Especially with the wedding coming up.” Jean pleaded into the phone.
“No.”
“This is gonna come back at you, Sid. Don’t put it off.” She preached. Sid sighed and turned to see that Josh and Madi were already downstairs ready to go.
“Look, Jean. I have to go. Bye.” She set the phone back down on the cradle. She grabbed her suitcase and walked downstairs to meet her group.
“Took ya long enough.” John joked and nudged her on the arm. “Here, let me take that.” He took her luggage from her hand and opened the door. “Come on guys.” Josh and Madi ran after him as he walked to the car and set her bag down in the trunk.
Sidney turned to Jeff who had, until now, been standing alone in the living room.
“I’ll be home in about two weeks. I’ll miss you, honey.” Sid took a step toward him and hugged him tightly. He hugged back for only a moment, then stepped away from her, holding her at an arms distance.
“Don’t do anything stupid, Sidney. You know I’m not happy about this, but I am not stopping you. Just don’t disappoint me.” He said sternly. She was a bit taken aback, but it went as quickly as it came because he had pulled her into another hug. “Bye, baby.”
“Bye.” She smiled weakly and turned from him. She walked to the car where John was waiting in the driver’s seat. Madi and Josh were in the back seat arguing about who was better, Superman or the Wolverine.
“Is everything all right?” John asked as he started the car. Sid turned to look at him. She was about ready to dump all her anxiety out on him, but then she caught the look of complete concern in his eye. She knew he cared, and that was enough to make he feel instantly better.
“Yeah. Something’s wrong.” He raised an eyebrow waiting for her to tell him. “I’m pretty sure you’re behind the driving wheel and you don’t have a license yet.” He blushed sheepishly.
“Oh yeah. Guess I forgot.” He laughed and she rolled her eyes. Then switched seats with him. Soon they were on their way to LAX.
>>>>>>
“I am so glad that is over.” Sidney sighed as she carried a moaning Madi off of the plane.
“Who knew she would get air sick.” John shrugged as he helped Josh carry with the baggage.
”Good thing Glady lives only about few minutes away.” Sid said as she hailed a cab. Josh was struggling with his and Madi’s luggage while John lugged around Sid’s and his.
“We’ll be there by nine. Then we can get some sleep. I am so beat.” John sighed as they all piled into the back of a yellow cab. “It’ll be good to be home.”
“So, what did Glady say when you said you were bringing us to thanksgiving?” Sid asked as she leaned back in her seat. Josh was settled next to her, asleep. Madi was cuddled against John’s side, every once in awhile snuggling into John’s flannel shirt.
“Uh…Well ya see, I kinda…” He started nervously, giving her an impish grin.
“You didn’t tell her?” Sid nearly shouted. She glared at him and he shrugged.
“I wanted it to be a surprise. Don’t worry I told Glady that there were three of you and that you were good friends of mine. She was fine with it.” He nudged her arm. “And she’s gonna freak when she finds out it’s you.” Sid seemed to calm at that. She settled back into her seat and closed her eyes. This will be fun, she thought, It would be like old times. She just had to reassure herself of that.
>>>>>>
It was 9:30 when they pulled into the driveway of the neat white house. Sid remembered every detail. She had spent a year living there and two visiting practically everyday. It hadn’t changed a bit. It still gave her the feeling of being at home.
Sid held clamped her jaw to keep her teeth from chattering. She had become too use to the Californian November’s. Right now in LA it was still in the high seventies, it had to be at most 20 degrees here.
“Hey, man.” John turned to the cab driver. “I’ll pay you twenty dollars extra if you take our bags to the door for us. The kids are asleep and I don’t want to wake them up.” The cabby nodded and walked to the trunk of the car. He was a large man, possible six foot three, and he managed to carry all of the luggage in one trip. “Thanks.” John paid the man and he drove off.
Madi clung to John’s shoulder as she slept and Josh waked in a daze holding onto Sid’s hand as they made their way to the front step. A yellowy glow emanating from the living room window and Sid could remember sitting in there talking about her day with Glady while drinking a cup of hot cocoa. A rush of warm feelings and happiness ran through her.
Sid stopped at the door; she was suddenly hit by a wave of nervousness. What if they could tell? Madi didn’t look like John that much, but they were family, maybe they would know. Before Sid could act upon her worries, John had already opened the door and walked in. She was practically paralyzed with fear.
“Hey! Anybody home.” John yelled as he opened the door wide and walked into the living room.
“Johnny! Hey, we were wondering when you would get here. You said 9 o’clock on the phone.” Glady said not taking her eyes of her book. She seemed to finish what she was reading, shut the book, and then turned to him. Her eyes went wide when she saw him holding a small blond girl in his arms. She cleared her throat and smiled nervously, “Um…who is this?” She felt an odd sense of Deja vu. Only this time it was a child and not a pregnant woman.
“This is Madi.” John whispered, trying not to wake the girl in his arms. Noticing the accusing look his sister was giving him, he quickly explained. “She is my friends daughter. Not mine.” Then mumbled, “I swear! I get no trust out of this family!”
“So where’s your friend? Isn’t she coming in?” Glady let out a sigh of relief. She knew her brother’s marriage wasn’t a happy one, but the thought that of him having a child without her was a little disturbing. The family would love any child of his, yet the possibility of a child from a one-night stand he had on tour made her cringe with rage.
“I’m right here.” Sid had finally snapped out of her daze and walked into the house, Josh in tow. “Hey Glady.” She smiled nervously. Gladys’ eyes lit up as she saw her long lost friend.
“Sid? Oh my God!” She ran up to her and wrapped her arms around the young woman. After squeezing the breath out of Sid she turned to see the half-awake Josh clinging to his mothers hand. “Josh you have gotten so big! You were such a tiny little thing!” she knelt down and took his hand’s. “You used to call me Aunt Glady.” He gave her a cheesy grin and shook her hand before leaning against his mother’s leg again.
“It’s good to see you again. Do you have a room John and I could set these two down? He can barely stand he’s so tired and she’s already beyond the waking.” Sid laughed as she picked Josh up into her arms.
“Well, John said one was a girl and one was a boy, so I made a bed for Josh in Jake’s room and…Madi was it? Well I made her a bed in Julie’s. She should be back any minute. Her and some friends went to go see a movie.” John was already walking with Madi to Julie’s room and setting her down on the cot that was fixed up in the corner. Josh was taken to Jake’s room. “He was up until 9 waiting for you. He wanted to stay up later but I wouldn’t let him. He was so excited at the thought of another kid coming over.”
“Well, they’ll have a lot to catch up on in the morning.” Sid smiled as she came out of Jake's room and took a seat on the couch next to John.
“I just can’t believe it’s you, Sid. You look great! Did you ever go to collage? That’s what you were planning to do before you….” She stopped, cleared her throat and started again. “Before you left.”
“I went to collage and got a degree in dentistry. I’m now a ‘oral surgeon’, as we like to call it. John, smile for the woman.” John smiled wide showing off his new pearly whites. “That’s my work.”
“John Rzeznik! You got your teeth capped? What is wrong with you.” Glady laughed as she playfully hit him on the arm. “They look great, Sid. You must be good at what you do.”
“I work at one of the top dental offices in LA. My fiancee taught me everything I know about my job.” Sid smiled. Gladys’ eyes grew wide.
“Your getting married? Congratulations.” She gave Sid a hug and hid her shock well. She couldn’t think of Sid being married to anyone but…She just couldn’t think of Sidney being married. “Is he…is he Madi’s father?” Sid suddenly became ridged. She avoided Gladys’ penetrating gaze and fiddled with her hands in her lap.
“No…He’s not. Madi’s father…died in a car accident before he even knew about her.” She had used the same lie she told everyone else, but it never hurt more then to tell it to the people she considered her one true family.
“I didn’t know that, Sid. I’m sorry. I am sure he would have loved her.” Glady replied. John gave her a comforting smile and rubbed her back. She relaxed seeing that the danger of being discovered was over and turned to give John a deep and sincere smile.
“He really would have. And she would have loved him, too.” Sid squeezed his hand gently. He smiled back, but something inside of him was screaming. Who was this guy that had gotten HIS Sidney pregnant? Who was it that she could talk so tenderly about and get teary eyed over? He knew that this was just a streak of jealousy, but over what? A dead man. John mentally slapped himself for being so childish. “I am so beat. Glady do you want me to make the couch up for myself? Ya know, like old times.” Both women laughed at the thought of their late night talks that would lead to Sidney making herself at home on the couch for the night.
“Nonsense! You’re our guest! John can sleep on the couch, you can take the guest room where we usually stuff him.” She laughed and helped Sid grab one of her suitcases.
“Hey! I don’t wanna sleep on the couch! Some how I don’t think this is fair.” John crossed his arms in mock indignity.
“Shut up ya big baby, and go to sleep before you wake everyone up. And make sure you tell Julie to go straight to bed when she gets in.” Gladys laughed then turned back to Sid. “We have a whole bunch of catching up to do tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Glady. It really is great to see you again.” She leaned over and hugged her friend tightly. Then turned to John who was fluffing the couch pillows and leaning back on them. “John aren’t you going to make your bed and stuff? Your not gonna sleep in your cloths are you?”
“I wanna stay up and meet these clowns that Julie’s out with. I have to look intimidating…and being dressed in PJs don’t help my image much.” Gladys rolled her eyes and pointed to the room Sid was to sleep in.
Sid undressed slowly and found her shorts and UCLA T-shirt. Brushing the crispness of hairspray from her auburn tresses. She pulled back the quilt on the four poster bed. The blankets were warm and soft. Sid snuggled down into the plush mattress; glad to be shielded from the biting cold she had once been so accustomed to.
Chapter 10
Sidney awoke to the bright morning light fluttering in through her window and the smell of waffles emanating from the kitchen. The distinct scent of cinnamon and chocolate told her that they were ‘Johnny’s Famous Junk-Waffles’. She remembered the first time she had had them. It was about a month after she came to Buffalo. She had waddled into the kitchen and feasted. At the prospect of a warm breakfast, Sid jumped up from bed. She changed into a pair of blue jeans and a purple turtleneck sweater. She quickly made her bed then made her way to the kitchen.
“So? Rockstars can cook?” She giggled as John popped a hot waffle off the griddle.
“Did you ever have any doubt?” He shot her a wide grin and set a plate infront of her. She grabbed a fork and knife and started eating.
“God I missed these things! I wish you would tell me how you make these.” She said through a mouthful of waffle.
“Nope! It’s my secret. Gonna take it with me to the grave.” He shook the spatula at her scoldingly. A piece of cinnamon flung it self at Sid and landed on her cheek. “Whoops! Let me get that for ya.” He reached over and brushed the offensive piece of food from her cheek. He lingered a moment then snatched his hand away. He smiled tightly and turned back to making waffles.
Soon the kitchen was filled with people. Jake and Josh had linked up as if they had never been separated. Both took their waffles and went to sit infront of the TV for the morning cartoons. Julie had emerged with Madi in her arms, a look of confusion on her face. Obviously she had forgotten that she was going to be sharing a room with a toddler. Madi looked happy enough in the tall girl’s arms and clung on.
“OK. All I know is her name is Madison and that she was in my room. Now who does she belong to?” Julie asked as she set Madi down on a kitchen stool and set a plate with some waffles on it in front of her.
“She would be mine.” Sid waved a hand from her seat next to Gladys. Julie gave her a good long stare then uncertainly asked;
“Sid? Is that you?” Her voice faltered with uncertainty.
“Hey ya, Jules. I missed ya. Come over here and give me a hug.” Julie’s face lit up as she quickly walked over to Sid. She wrapped her long arms around her and help on tightly. “Look at you! You’re so tall. How did that happen?”
“Dad’s side of the family.” She laughed. “How are you? It’s been forever! Where have you been?”
“Good. I’ve been living in LA for the past 6 years. Which makes you 16. I can’t believe that!” Sid exclaimed as she hugged the girl again. When Sid had left, Julie was just a little child. Funny, now that she thought about it, Julie was only nine years younger then she. When all your friends are at least five or ten years older than you are, that’s not much of an age barrier. The three women talked all morning. They planned what they would do, where they would go and when. It had been so long. They needed their time to catch up and just become friends again.
When Gladys, Julie and Steve, Glady’s husband, went to the store to pick up some fixings for thanksgiving, Sid was left practically alone. Jake had taken Josh over to some of his friend’s houses and they wouldn’t be back till late. Suddenly, Sid realized she didn’t know where John and Madi were. As if on cue she heard a distinct giggle. She walked over to Julie’s room.
Sid couldn’t help but laugh at the sight before her. John was sitting Indian style on the floor with his back against the bed. Madi was sitting above him on the bed braiding part of his blond, shoulder length hair.
“You should really do something with your hair, Johnny.” Madi said, using her most sophisticated voice.
“Well, Madi. I try and I try, but no matter what I do it just hangs there!” he was using a playful tone and sat straighter so she could reach the hair at the nape of his neck. Sid burst into a fit of laughter. She had never seen anything so funny. John sat there and a bright red blush crossed his cheeks. Madi had discarded his hair and was rolling on the bed with laughter.
“Momma, caught us!” She squealed. Sid sat down on the bed just as Madi got up and grabbed a book from her suitcase.
“Uh…hey. I was just…uh…playing with Madi.” He gave her a bashful grin and smiled up at her, still on the ground.
“I just wish I had a camera. That was great blackmail.” She was still laughing, but had taken the loose messy braid and slowly started to undo it. “I don’t think you wanna walk around with this.” She let her fingers slid through his soft, blonde hair.
“Thanks.” He said softly as he stilled her hands in his hair. He gave her a tight smile then got up off the ground. She looked a bit hurt as he walked out of the room, but was quickly distracted by Madi’s plea for her to read a nap time story.
John waked out into the living room and flopped down on the couch. He didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, but he couldn’t stay in there. He loved the feel of her fingers running through his hair. It took him back to a different time and a different place. One without Wives or fiancee’s. No children from men other than him.
“Whoa,” He thought suddenly, “Where did that come from?” He wasn’t ready for kids yet; at least he didn’t think he was ready. Even if he was, Sid was getting married, and he was married. It could never be. And he had realized that when he was back in that room. What he wanted was a family with her, but it wasn’t possible.
>>>>>>
One Week Later…
The days spent at Gladys’ were exciting and peaceful. The thought of going home wasn’t exactly the most appealing to Sid at the moment. She had fallen in to the swing of things with her old friends as if she had only been gone days instead of years. Kate met up with her a couple days after they came. Sid was ecstatic to find that she was pregnant. It was even nicer to see Kate with her old next door neighbor, Eric. Sid had spent all her time with the people she had come to know as her family, and now it felt as if she was being separated from them again. Only she knew this time she would stay in touch.
They would be leaving tomorrow. Sid and the kids would be going back to LA, just in time to get ready for the wedding. John was going to New York City to meet up with Robby and sketch out the plans for another album. He said he would try to come back in time for the wedding, but that it was doubtful that he would make it back before her and Jeff had set out for their honeymoon.
Right now Sid was on the porch; it had snowed just the day before, but not very hard. A light, white, filmy covering of ice and snow graced the ground. Sid could never remember feeling so content. Her legs dangled from the porch as she leaned back on her elbows. She sighed in deep contentment.
“You ready to go home tomorrow?” She started a bit at the silent night being shattered by John’s deep, melodic voice.
“I don’t know. I know that when I get home I’m getting married, but this past week has been so much fun. I am going to miss everyone so much.” She said sincerely placing a hand on his as he sat down next to her.
“I know their gonna miss you too.” He chuckled lightly to himself. “They were so excited when they saw you. The family really felt whole again.”
“Thanks John. That really makes me feel good.” Sid squeezed his hand that was now resting between them on the snowy porch.
“I’m gonna miss you, too. I know…I know you say we’ll see each other still, but it’s different now. You’ll have a husband who wants you to spend time with him instead of an old b…friend.” John stuttered. He had almost said boyfriend. But they had never officially been an item. He shifted uncomfortably.
“Your probably right.” She said it as if she had discovered a revelation. She didn’t want it to be that way, but it was true. Jeff probably wouldn’t want her spending all her free time with John. And John was a big Rockstar now. He didn’t need an old friend hanging around him. It was never going to work. “I just wish there was some way it could be fixed.”
“I…It could be Sid.” It was now or never. He needed to take this chance.
“What are you talking about, John?” She sat a bit straighter and looked him full on in the eye. He starred back with an unwavering gaze.
“We…I love you, Sid.” There. He said it. She looked confused, he needed to elaborate, “I think I always have. I…I don’t want you to marry Jeff. I don’t like the guy.” She suddenly cut him off. A look of anger and confusion adorned her face.
“You don’t like him?” She rolled her eyes irately. “Hold the phone! I can’t marry Jeff because John doesn’t like him.” She was standing up and starting to walk back into the house.
“Sidney, please don’t go. Wait.” He grasped her arm and turned her gently towards him.
“What, John? What are you gonna say that will make this better?” Tears were spilling from her eyes. “It doesn’t matter if I can still turn back and go to you John. You’re married, and nothing will change that until you get a divorce.”
“Then I’ll get a divorce, Sid. Just don’t leave me again.” His voice was low and hoarse.
“It’s not just that, John. He’s done so much for me. He helped me get on my feet again. He never gave me the impression I was a one night stand, unintentionally or otherwise.” She sighed and wriggled from his tight grasp on her arm.
“Don’t marry him because your grateful, Sid. That’s not how it should work.” He wrapped his arms around her waste and pulled her to him. “I love you, Sid. I need you. The day you ran away was the day I died. And the day I found you again was the day I was reborn.” He leaned down and gentle placed his lips over hers. It had been so long since he had kissed her. So long since he had tasted the soft, plump lips under his. It was as if everything in life now made sense to him. He knew where his life started and where it would end on those lips, and as she pulled away, he could feel that knowledge slipping through his fingers like tiny particles of sand.
“Don’t do this, John. I have secrets that would tear you apart. It’s better this way.” She sighed and wiped the tears from cold cheek. “You go and be the Rockstar you were meant to be. I will forget this and live my life. You will forget this and go live yours.”
“At least...” He started, he could feel his heart breaking. “At least stay in touch. If only with Gladys and Kate. They missed you. It would kill them to lose you again.”
“I will John. They are the closest thing to a mother and sister I have ever had. I need that. Josh and Madi need that.” She cleared her throat and took one of his hands. “John, I love you too. But it can’t happen. We lost each other a long time ago. One week of getting to know each other again is not long enough. To change our lives now would be pointless.”
“I…understand.” His voice was low and monotone. Yet he lied, he didn’t understand. All he wanted to do was to scream and shout. But he didn’t.
Sid walked inside and went to bed. The next day she woke up to find John had left for New York City already. He wished everyone a merry Christmas, thanked them for the wonderful thanksgiving and birthday and signed his love. Sid wasn’t too surprised to see that he had also written that he was ‘sorry’, but he would not be attending Sid’s wedding, and hoped she had a wonderful marriage. Sid could only shake her head and grab her kids and suitcase. It was time to go home to Jeff and LA.
Chapter 11
A year and a half later…
Sid had been ecstatic. The wedding had gone off with out a hitch. Josh and Madi were staying over at Jean’s while her and Jeff were on a three-day honeymoon in Vancouver. The snow outside had glistened and she could hear the birds chirping sweetly into her ears. She and Jeff had spent all their days and nights in bed, only going out once and ordering room service every other time. Life was good.
That was until…they got home.
“Sidney! Where are my damn socks? Didn’t I tell you to wash my socks?” Jeff yelled as he came around the corner and into their bedroom. They had been only married two months and Jeff’s dark side had reared its ugly head. This is what Sid had always feared, had always sensed within him. She had just been too blind and too stupid to see it.
It had been subtle at first. He would get mad at her for little things. Yell at her a bit, then apologize and she would just assume that everything was alright again. Then it started to get worse, the yelling became physical actions. He would scream at her if she talked to other men, once he had even threatened once her for hugging an old teacher of hers at UCLA. But over the past year, his anger had escalated into full blown abuse.
“They’re…they’re still in the wash, Jeff.” She responded shyly. He nearly snarled at her as he grabbed her arm roughly and threw her to the floor.
“I told you I need the fucking socks today and don’t tell me! You forgot to press my pants to! I told you I needed to meet the board today” Jeff almost spit as he yelled. Sid trembled at her husband’s anger and hoped to God that the children were still asleep, as it was only 5 in the morning.
“I…I’m sorry, Jeff. It’ll...it’ll never happen again.” She stammered as he took a couple threatening steps closer to her. He grabbed her by the wrist to bring her face to face with himself. “When I tell you to get something done, I expect it to get done!” Sidney was shocked as a rough hand smacked across her face; He had just slapped her. Jeff had slapped her. Why was this happening? And over socks? She couldn’t understand.
After he left she sat there on the ground. He had hit her. She must have made him very upset. But it was her fault. She made him hit her. She practically forced him to. She should have done what he asked the minute he did. Instead she procrastinated, and was punished accordingly. It was fair, right?
>>>>>>
“John, come on. You need to get out. This isn’t healthy.” Robby was passing around the apartment. Beer bottles littered the floor. Pizza boxes and Chinese cartons cluttered the kitchen table. And a deflated man sat on the couch. Deep purple bags under his eyes and three days worth or stubble adorning his face.
“Go away.” He mumbled as his eyes opened only a crack to look at who was talking to him.
“Shit, John! A year! We have been out here for a fucking year and what do we have to show for it? A huge Metal Blade law suit, a bunch of unfinished demos and a friggin’ recycling center located in your apartment.” He yelled kicking aside a stray brown glass bottle. Robby sighed as he saw his friend shut his eyes and turned away from him. “John how long has it been since you went outside? A couple days? A week? Two? You don’t even shave anymore man. What is wrong?”
John hadn’t told Robby anything. Not even that he had told Sidney he loved her. For all he knew, his writer’s block was depressing him. How was he supposed to know that the reason for the writer’s block, which was causing the depression, was Sid? His friend wouldn’t understand. He would tell him that he needed to move on. He needed to write, and find someone who isn’t married.
“Is this about the divorce, John? I thought you were happy that Laurie was gone. It hasn’t been that great for you with her.” Robby took a seat next to John and pushed his legs off the couch so that he was sitting instead of lying down.
“It’s not Laurie, man.” His voice was bland and emotionless. He grabbed a half-empty bottle of warm beer and drank deeply. Robby’s face grimaced in disgust.
“Then what is it. You can’t go on like this.” John looked long and hard at his friend. He would end up telling him anyway, better sooner then later.
“Sid.” Robby sighed and shook his head.
“What now?”
“I told her I loved her.” This got Robby’s attention. He now turned himself to look straight into his friend’s eyes. “And she told me not to.”
“I’m sorry, man.” Robby patted him gently on the back. “But you knew she was getting married. You knew she was taken.”
“I know…I just thought,” He ran his hand through his dirty messy hair. “I just thought that…”
“You thought that as soon as you told her that she would come running back into your arms and forget all about that other guy. Didn’t you.” Robby gave him a knowing look. John just nodded sadly. “You have to get over this. You can’t let this consume you, Johnny. You have to let her go.”
“I can’t. She was always…I dunno…she was always the one. The one who fit me. I always felt like I was half of something else. When I am around her, I feel whole.” Robby shook his head. Suddenly it hit him.
“John. When you were picked on at school and felt that the world was against you, what did you do?” Robby asked standing up to pace the perimeter of the room.
“I got really wasted and said the whole world could kiss my ass.” John gave a stupid grin.
“Besides that.”
“I wrote songs.” John said lying back down on the couch.
“And what did you do when your mom died, and you felt all alone.”
“I wrote songs.”
“I think you need to write what your feeling man. I think you need to realize your pain, get it on paper, then let it go.” Robby was excited now. He had just found a way to get his friend out of his depression and get the band back on its feet again.
“I don’t know if I can man. It just hasn’t come lately.” John sighed and rubbed the back of his neck roughly.
“You have to try, John. Look,” Robby reached in his pocket and withdrew a folded sheet of paper. “Warner’s wants us to do a song for a soundtrack to one of their new movies. We have to go watch it, and then we have to write a song. If the song flops, it’s no big deal; soundtracks usually never make it big anyway. It’ll be just like Lazy Eye. No one will know and no one will care. What have you got to lose.”
John was a bit intrigued now. Robby was right. If the song flopped, no one would notice and it would be pushed under the rug. His could be the key out of his writer’s block, and his troubles with Sid.
“All right. Where do we have to go?” He asked Warily.
“LA. Only for a month or two. Just enough time to get the song written and recorded.” John’s eyes snapped up to his friend when he mentioned the location.
“LA?”
“Yeah.” Robby knew what his friend was worried about. “Look John. You don’t have to see her. But I think you two need to work this out. At least for your sake John. Don’t push her out of your life just because you can’t have her.”
“Your probably right.” John sighed and grabbed a duffel bag that lay next to the couch. “When do we leave?”
“Tomorrow.” Robby smiled. He had won. Just before he left, he stopped and turned to his friend. “And John?”
“Yeah.” John stopped packing a moment to her what Robby had to say.
“The first thing we are going to do when we get there is get you a haircut.” Robby grinned at John’s scowl and walked cheerfully down the hall.
>>>>>>
Sid cringed as she heard the front door slam. He was home. And she wasn’t finished with half of the work he had told her to do. He had made her quit her job at the clinic four months before because she hadn’t been able to cover the bruises anymore. Jean never came over anymore. She had tried to get Sid to leave him, but he had turned on her. She grabbed Paige and ran out the door. They talked on the phone once in awhile, but even the phone calls had stopped. They always started and ended in the same way.
Jean: “You should leave him.”
Sid: “I can’t.”
Jean: “What about Josh and Madi?”
Sid: “He doesn’t touch the children.”
Jean: “Doesn’t mean he won’t sooner or later.”
Sid: “He couldn’t.”
Jean: “He could.”
Sid: “He wouldn’t.”
Jean: “This isn’t healthy.”
Sid: “I know.”
They never went further then that. Jean had just given up hope. Sid blamed herself for his behavior. She thought it was her fault that he got mad. She justified the abuse, the bruises, the verbal obscenities. Jean loved Sid like a sister, but she couldn’t stand around and watch her do this to herself. It hurt her too much.
Now Sid rushed about the house. Grabbing the clean clothes from off the back of the couch, stacking the dishes in the washer and running to deposit the clothes in their owner’s rooms.
“Sidney.” He never called her Sid anymore. He had told her once in a particularly violent fit, that nicknames were for people who were kind to others, people who deserved them, people who knew when to not make someone mad, and that obviously she hadn’t fit the bill.
“I’m coming, Jeff.” She quickly stuck his clean shirts in the nearest drawer and rushed down the stairs to meet him. She hung her head low as she stood in front of him. She didn’t look him in the eye. Ever.
“Did you pick up my dry cleaning?” She could smell the bourbon on his breath and was terrified. He must have been out with some of his cronies drinking, like he did almost every other night.
“Y-yes.” A simple answer. One-word responses were always best.
“And did you order the champagne for tomorrow’s party?” He swayed a bit as he took a step towards her. She swallowed hard. She’d totally forgotten about tomorrow’s party. How could she have forgotten? It was so important and she had forgotten. She gave him a wary frown.
“J-Jeff…I…I forgot.” She didn’t see the closed fist come down across her left temple, but she felt it. She heard it. She tasted it.
“You dumb bitch! Can’t you do anything right?” He shouted as he gave her a stinging slap across her cheek. “How many fucking times did I remind you? Huh? How many times?”
“Jeff, please. I didn’t me…” She was cut short as he grabbed her by the hair and pulled her to the kitchen. He stopped and rummaged through the cutlery drawer until he found what he was looking for. He pulled the long carving knife from it. Sidney’s eyes grew wide with terror. “Oh God, Jeff. Please.”
“Shut up! I am gonna teach you some respect. Maybe beating it into you wasn’t the right way! Maybe I need other methods!” He spit as he screamed. She could feel the bruises coming up on her face already. They were only additions to the ones she already possessed, but for the first time, she was really scared for her life.
The steel glimmered and sparkled in the light that danced through the window of the kitchen. Sid looked at it, transfixed. It looked beautiful and ominous all at the same time. Jeff gave a particularly sharp tug to her hair and brought her out of her hypnotic state.
“Where do you think it would teach you best.” He asked holding the knife to her thigh. Sid whimpered as she felt the cold steel cut into her flesh.
“Jeff, please.” Her voice was racked with sobs.
“I don’t think that worked.” He placed the tainted weapon to her side. “What about now?” He asked, sliding the blade from her hipbone to her ribcage with a surgeon’s accuracy. Sid prayed to God that if he was going to kill her he would do it quick. Nothing could be worse than this. Nothing.
“Momma?!?” No no no no. This wasn’t happening. She couldn’t be home. She couldn’t see this.
>>>>>>
“Are you sure she moved, man?” Robby asked as they drove down yet another row of large houses.
“Yeah. Glady and Sid have been writing each other on and off. This is the address she gave me. They stopped suddenly in front of the white houses. A Barbie bike was lying on the soft green grass in front of the walkway that led to an open front door. “Ready?”
“You want me to go in with you?” Robby gave him an incredulous look and huffed. “Isn’t this supposed to be a whole barring of the soul kind of thing? Why do you want me there?”
“So I don’t turn tail and run.” John shot him a lopsided grin then threw open the door of the rented jeep and walk out.
“Yeah. Right.” Robby rolled his eyes as he exited the car. They walked up the cement walkway until they reached the open front door. John rang the bell and waited. Nothing happened. “Should we just go in?”
“I dunno. Maybe we shou…” John was cut off when he was pushed roughly to the side by Jeff. “What the hell?” Jeff ran to his car, started the engine and sped down the street. John was more than worried then. He ran into the house, side stepping broken furniture and glass. He could here a whimpering noise coming from the kitchen, and headed towards it. What he saw there almost made his stomach turn.
Sid held Madi’s limp, bloody body in her arms. She sobbed as she rocked back and forth. She herself was in no better shape. Lacerations covered her arms and legs. Sid stopped her movement momentarily to look up. Her eyes caught with John and fresh tears rolled down her face, but she did not look away.
“I tried.” She explained through the tears. “He went after her and I tried. He was too big, too strong. I tried.” She crumpled to the ground.
“Robby!” John screamed as he friend came up behind him. “Call the police. Tell them what kinda car Jeff drove off in. I am gonna take them to the hospital.” Robby just nodded dumbly. John lifted Madi from Sid’s arms first and took her to the car he had rented, placing her gently in the front seat. Then running back and grabbing Sid and depositing her in the back. With that done he sped off to the hospital.
>>>>>>
John paced nervously as he waited for the doctor. Robby had since met him in the waiting room and was watching intently as John paced. He would start every time someone would pace by the waiting room.
“Are they all right? What do you know?” Jean rushed into the room and sat hurriedly next to Robby.
“Sid is in intensive care. She lost a lot of blood but they think she will be fine. We don’t know about Madison yet.” Robby said solemnly. John still hadn’t stopped pacing and took no notice of Jean. As if on cue, the doctor in charge of Madi walked into the waiting room. John was by his side in a minute.
“How is she?” He asked.
“We have a problem.” The doctor was blunt, but it was better than having the truth be sugarcoated. John looked at him expectantly. “Madi has lost a large quantity of blood. Usually we would just take some from the mother, but as it turns out, she doesn’t share her daughter’s blood type. Madi’s type is very rare; we would need to get it from another hospital, which could take anywhere from an hour to four. Neither one of those is an option.”
“Shit.” John mumbled, he could feel his eyes start to water. “Is there anything I can do?”
“You can donate blood. There is a small chance that any of you might be a match, although I think it is very unlikely.” He stated. John sat down shakily. He was about to tell the doctor to draw his blood, but Jean cut him off.
“How did she acquire such an unusual blood type?” She needed to know.
“Most likely from her father, but it is listed on her record that he is deceased.” The doctor said indifferently.
“He’s not dead,” Jean said quietly. John’s head shot up. He was still alive? Why would Sid lie to him? Why would she tell him that her lover was dead?
“Who is he.” John growled. He wouldn’t take his eyes off of his hands. He needed to know, he would drag that bastard here kicking and screaming to get him to donate blood.
“You.” His head snapped up, eyes wide with surprise. “Me? That’s not possible. She would have told me.”
“It’s you. She didn’t want her to grow up as your bastard child and she didn’t want your career to be ruined.” Jean sat down next to Robby who was shaking his head slowly.
“I should have known, man, I should have known.” He laid his head in his hands.
“It doesn’t matter now. Madi needs help. We’ll talk about this later. Right now we need to help her.” John stood up and followed the doctor as he lead him into the back rooms.
>>>>>>
Sid’s eyes burned as they opened to the light. Her head was throbbing and her body felt as if it was lying upon pins. She was in a room of muted greens and whites. The sheets of the bed were pressed and sharp and gave an uncomfortable feeling of sterility. Looking from side to side with much effort, she acknowledged the beeping machines that surrounded her. The steady drip of her medication into the IV. And she noticed someone sitting in the corner of the room. He had his back turned to her. Clearing her throat tenativly, he turned.
“You’re awake.” It was John. He looked different. His once shoulder length hair was now cut into a messy shag. She also noticed the difference in how he was dressed. It wasn’t his usual oversized T-shirt and past-knee-length shorts. He was dressed in a pair of black slacks, a wife beater tank top and a silky looking blue button-up shirt. He looked every bit the rock star now. Sid couldn't help but feel a bit inadequate.
“Yeah.” She smiled lazily at him. Suddenly she shot up in bed. The heart monitors beeping rapidly as her heart rate sped up. “Where’s Madison? Is she all right? What happened to her.”
“She’s fine. She is down in intensive care. You’ve been moved to a personal room cause your out of danger. They say she’ll be down here with you in a couple days.” His voice was tight. He sounded hurt in her ears.
“Why are you here?” She know it sounded rude, but she needed to know.
“I was coming over to talk to you just as Jeff was running out of the house. When I got inside, you and Madi were pretty bad.” He walked to stand right next to her bed. Placing his hand gently on top of hers. “We waited about 15 minutes before they said you were fine...but Madi..."He choked a little. "Madi had lost a lot of blood, and they couldn’t find a match. That was until…until I gave her some.” His voice was so solemn.
“Thank you, John. You’ve been good to me and Madi.” She managed to get out as she blinked away a tear.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” He stated in a sarcastic voice and pulled his hand away from hers. “She’s my daughter, too. Isn’t she?” Sidney gasped and shook. A million things rushed through her brain, a million questions. Finally she settled on one.
“What now?” Her voice was barely heard over the humming of the machines, but John understood.
“It’s up to you really.” He sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair. “You…you know I love you. That hasn’t changed, but I need to learn to trust you again. I mean, I have had a daughter for five years now, and haven’t even known it. That’s something that will take me awhile to forgive, but I also know the circumstances you were under while you were pregnant. I can’t say that I blame you for acting this way. I…I want to be with you.” He swallowed hard. “But right now I think…if you still want me…we should take it slow.”
Sid was at a loss for words. She had expected screaming, yelling, arguing, but what she got was understanding and sympathy. Sitting back in her bed she closed her eyes. Waiting for him to continue, but he didn’t.
“John…” It came out as a choked whisper. “I…what about Jeff?”
“Fuck, Jeff.” He said it with such venom that Sid was a bit taken aback. “No judge in the world won’t grant you a full divorce, if not an annulment.”
She smiled half-heartedly and gave him a sad chuckle.
“Why do you want soiled goods, John? I am nothing but a used up woman. Look at me…I am little more than scars now.” She turned her face away from him wiping a stray tear from her cheek.
“Your beautiful, Sid. I have never met someone as beautiful as you. The cuts will fade, after awhile you won’t even know they were there.” He strode towards her in impossible strides. Kneeling next to her bed he grasped her hand in his. “It’s also you, Sid. I love you for who you are. Not for what you look like. Not if you have flawless skin or not, but because you are Sidney Beck. You make me feel like I am somebody, and I know that sounds stupid, but even with all the fans and all the concerts I don’t feel like a person, not unless I am with you. You are a part of me.” He stopped and took a deep breath, turning her face to his and looking straight into her eyes. Her breath caught in her throat. “You’ve had my child, Sidney. I…I have always thought of Josh as something like a son, but now…now there is a little person who we created. We made her…together. I don’t want her growing up without a father, and I don’t want her to have someone who beats her as one either. I want to be her father, and I want her to know I am her father. I will be there. Let me be the one to love you.”
There was a long pause. Sid stared long and hard into his deep light blue eyes. They were impossible blue and they shown with a light that seemed to scream her name. She felt that her children would be happy with him, and she knew she would be. Maybe this was right.
“All right.” It came out as little more than a whisper. “I…I want that, too.”
Chapter 12
John stayed at her side for the entire two weeks she was in the hospital. A month or two later she was given a divorce and bought her old house back. Shortly after they told Madison who her father was. Madi didn’t quite understand why John was just now coming into her life, but was happy none the less to have a father. John hit it big with the song he wrote for the movie…which came as a surprise to everyone. John’s writer’s block was broken. He told everyone it was because of the movie, but everyone who knew him knew that it was because of Sid.
John separated from Laurie gratefully. They still weren’t divorced though. He was determined not to let her have a red cent of his money. They had finally settled with him paying for her schooling, as she was studying to become an English teacher. A fair deal to get her off his back.
Like John had suggested they had taken their time with the relationship. Months had past and John spent all his spare time at Sidney’s. He barely ever stayed at his apartment in LA. He had a room fixed up for him at the house and liked staying there with them. He could be more of a father to his child…no…his children. Josh was his too. Josh was his the moment he held him in his arms after he was born. He could also be there for Sid. He loved living with her, being with her.
"So, what are we watching?" Sid asked as she flopped down next to John on the couch. She snuggled into his side and he draped his arm lazily around her. She had decided to let her hair grow out again and it was now casually brushing against his arm from its shoulder length place.
"Law and Order." He said distractedly as he popped another popcorn kernel into his mouth. She sighed happily and held him closer. She had been so relieved that Jean had offered to take Josh and Madi for the night. Tonight was special. She needed it to be nice, not perfect, but nice.
"John," She grabbed the remote and turned the TV off. He grunted in disapproval. "Do you know what tonight is?" He shook his head.
"Tonight is the anniversary of the night we met." She leaned down and kissed him gently. She had to make this nice, make him feel comfortable with her. They had been together for almost a year, and they hadn’t done anything other than kissing on the couch. Sometimes it would get pretty intense. They had stopped themselves many times before and have had to go to bed yearning for one another. Not tonight. It had to be tonight.
He kissed her back gently until he couldn’t breath. They broke this kiss and looked at each other for a moment. She leaned down and kissed the little spot behind his ear that she knew drove him insane. He sighed deeply and gathered her to him. She pulled back and smiled at him. He laid his head gently on her stomach, his ear pressed tightly to her belly. A silent tear slipped down his cheek and landed on her. A soft hand ruffled through his hair.
"What’s wrong?" she whispered.
"This is where our children grew, Sid." He kissed her stomach gently. "This is where they became people." He choked a little. "I wasn’t here for Madi. I didn’t feel her grow inside you. I didn’t feel her kick. I didn’t even see her being born."
"You didn’t need to, John. Yes you missed that, but you’re here now. That is all that matters now." She brought him up to her and kissed him forcefully, willing his lips to open. He chuckled lightly and kissed her neck.
"I love you, Sid." He whispered gently into her ear.
"I love you, too, John."
Chapter 13
A year later…
“Madi! Settle down!” Sid said from her position in front of the mirror. Gladys fusing with her hair as Kate tried to grab the hyper seven-year-old as she ran around the dressing room they were staying in.
“They itch, Momma!” She whined and tugged at her white tights from under her frilly dress.
“Just keep them on for a little longer, baby.” Sid pleaded with the fidgeting child. “Kate, where’s Josh?”
“He’s over in John’s room.” She said as Madi climbed up her back.
“We better hurry up here, guys. “ Jean said looking at the clock on the wall. “We start in a few minutes.”
“That soon?” Sid moaned.
“Your not nervous are you?” Gladys asked as she clasped her necklace around her neck.
“Of course not. I just didn’t realize how little time we have left.” She smiled a twirled around for all to see.”
“You look really pretty, Momma.” Madi smiled and ran to hug her mother around her waste. Suddenly a burst of organ music emanated from outside their door and Sid knew it was time. One by one her friends left her until it was only her alone in the room. She took her cue and started down the aisle.
The church had been done up beautifully. White roses burst from ever crevice and thin tapers lined the aisle at each pew. She finally came to stand in front of John. He looked wonderful, dressed in a tuxedo, not looking like the Rockstar he had become, but like the friend and lover that she met so many years ago. They smiled and stared into each other’s eyes. Only stopping briefly to say ‘I do’ and slip the rings on their fingers. Finally the priest came to “I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride.”
John didn’t need anymore persuading as he dipped down and pressed his lips lovingly to hers. Finally breaking apart to breath they turned to their church full of friends and family.
“I give you Mister and Mrs John Rzeznik.” The priest yelled gleefully as the entire room stood and clapped for them. Tears of genuine joy slid down Sid’s face as she leaned close to John’s ear and whispered the one thing that made him feel that all their struggle and waiting had not been in vain.
“I feel whole.”
“You took the words right out of my mouth.” He smiled, then leaned closer and with a chuckle asked, “So, when should we tell everyone your pregnant?”
The End
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