Just Another Shade

Here again.. Another grey morning and night with no sleep in sight..
The girl I think I love more than anything soundly asleep next to me.. Wether there is a growing life inside her or not..that is yet to be proven officially though..

I take up my clothes and get dressed..I walk past her grandma as she mutters things to me..never sure if she is truly speaking to me or the phantoms of her past.. Even so..I ignore her still..I know she sees through me..she is never regretful when she spouts things about me in the dark to my Jenna..her grandma clearly sees the darkness behind my eyes more than Jenna does.. But you won't see a darkness if you're not searching for it after all..

Another grey morning where I ponder literally on how I feel..after ritualistic debate in my mind every morning I settle in definetly on indifference..

I don't understand what it is...I grew up in an antisocial manner..no friends..no one sparked an interest..ever

People never seemed real to me..maybe that's why I was so quick and easy to victimize them in the past...you can't hurt something you know doesn't exist..to this day I wonder if people are even real..I can see Jenna cry..I can feel her tears on my skin..I feel her shudder with every sob...yet I am speechless...sympathy, empathy? Which emotion is proper..which one would help stop her pain.. How do up even do these things..what even are they..how do I help comfort a person instead of hurt them

Another colorless day..another cigarette..maybe a bowl or two..

In my younger days when I was finally free of the place that broke me...I was incredibly unstable..I started smoking weed..to my surprise it helped..gradually my need to hurt people became less..
Yes..it was a need..a craving. A constant itch to smell an inflicted fear..to taste an agony too sweet for this world..

I am the type of person not long for this world..the kind of person who lies constantly..one who never smiles in pictures..the one who wears his mask every second of his life..
One who is a shadow in a crowd.. I am one of the ghosts that can fade as fast as they show.. I am deprived of a deserving happiness..

I fight for things I will never have.. I struggle to find a set of tears for even my family.. I am a sort of evil that people will always run from..

Another grey morning..another blank face in my mirror..another cigarette..
Is there anyone who is like me..that shares the same lifelong haunting thoughts everyday?..