Today, I Finally Did The Impossible ... Some Serious Advice?

I really can't explain myself, or the situation I am in with my ex-roommate, but after a full day of messaging back and forth, and leading up to it, I finally confessed my feelings for him. He asked me why? His exact words were: "Why me? Like what's so special about me? I don't know what to think of this yet ..." I told him I could explain and so, he told me to do so ...

"I always liked you. We went to high-school together and you always use to pick on me ... I thought you were attractive and I didn't know why. But this was just a silly little crush. I wouldn't even call it a crush at the time ...

But anyways, when I got kicked out and I didn't know where to go, I turned to you and your girlfriend. After graduation, I moved in and you and I got along for the most part, but we fought. And holy FUCK did we fucking fight. There were times I wanted to knock you the hell out, and you I'm sure, felt the same way at times with me. But we somehow got over those fights. It took as little as a couple hours to as long as a week. But at the end of it all, I'm sure we could have still of hugged it out.

When you and your girlfriend ended it, I comforted both of you, because I was a great friend and I never once came between the two of you. On the night we threw THAT house party and I got totally wasted, I had kissed you and told you I always wanted to do that. You and I talked about that night and you went over everything that happened because I had blacked out. You had told me that I was trying to get you into bed and you knew I was completely annihilated so you ignored my advances. I was almost in tears and I thanked you for not taking advantage of me. And that's when I knew you had a good amount of respect for me.

You and I got closer, after that. I would stay up until the early morning watching you play video-games; you would lay on the couch and I'd sit in the chair beside you. We could go hours on end without saying a single word to each other in the presence of one another and I never once felt uncomfortable. I was comfortable enough to walk around in boxers and bra-less, with no make-up on despite my insecurities. And I wasn't afraid of you judging me, because you never did. You would listen to me vent about my day and laugh at how I ranted about people, as I did the same for you. You would criticise me on occasion about what I'd wear out of the house and stupid things like that. Though they were only jokes, I hated you for this, but I wouldn't want you to lie to me.

You watched as I came and went. From parties to wherever. Every time I'd leave you there, but you never said anything. You saw me at my worst. You saw me at my lowest. You saw me broken, defeated, and even on the brink of death, but you also seen me at my best and at my strongest. You've seen me rise and fall. Fail and succeed. That one night, I'll never forget, after a day of flirting, you came into my bedroom and crawled into bed with me. And we cuddled. We talked and laughed and fought over the blankets. And that's the night that started it all ...

We were strictly FWB. No one knew. No one could know. I was still friends with your ex after all ... You told me you still had feelings for her, and this crushed me. And that's when I knew I was becoming too attached. So I became cold. I put up that wall and flipped that little switch. When it came time to tell you I was moving out, it didn't effect me at all. You told me you better get a goodbye kiss, but I never gave it to you. You helped pack the moving truck and as we were about to part, I couldn't even bring myself around to hug you. And without a single word, you went back into the apartment.

I didn't think anything of it. I couldn't. What I left behind was a part of my happiness. I was happy when I was with you, even though we weren't actually together ... And I think about you everyday. I wonder how you've been. Who you've taken an interest in. If I can move on, and I've tried. It's almost been a year. But at the end of the day, I'm still thinking about you. And it pisses me off and saddens me but sometimes I think that it's for the better ..."

I have him all confused right now because we live so far away. He asked me if this was what "love" felt like and I told him I didn't know. I've never been in love and I've never felt this way before about anyone ... I've never felt so vulnerable. I'm never like this ... And I don't know what to do for once in my life ...

He's 22 and I'm soon to be 20.