Some Things Of Pondering

So, lately, I've been pondering drugs.

Let me tell you this; I've smoked before, weed, that is, and I enjoyed it very much. It was often not my "go to" for depressing days, but more for those days where I'm happy, pepped and ready to flee. Like the good days when you just, over all feel great about everything.

I liked that a lot.

But when I met that guy I quit smoking, because he made me. Now that was seven or eight months ago, that's how long I've been clean. The only reason I haven't picked it up again since me and him broke up months ago, is because;

First: My bowl was 3 feet under the snowbank.
Second: My dealer got a new phone number.
Third: My mom is SO proud of me.
Fourth: I would turn into the biggest hypocrite on the damn planet.

Now, I wouldn't want to disappoint. Because we all know that when you disappoint somebody, they're always going to doubt you're actions. And my mother would never be proud of me again. Considering college is out of the question, in her eyes, I may as well ask myself
"what exactly am I living for?"

Because for most grown ups college is a must have, but my mom. No. She's the mom who asked, no, begged me not to go to college. "It's too expensive" "I'm not going to help you pay for it." "I don't know how to sign up for college" and of course, she said "you're on your own kid".

So, am I really a disappointment if she's the one who begged me not to go? Would I really upset her that much if I started to smoke again? I don't even know. It doesn't help that I found my bowl a few weeks ago. Now it's taunting me. It's what I find myself wishing I could do. Not all the time, but every so often. It's in the back of my mind.

I really need advise here.

Sell my bowl, or keep using it?
Ultimately I'll make my own decision, but It helps to talk about it.

Thank you, readers. Please comment.