I Love You. Goodbye.

I have never cried so much at the words "ok bye" or at the sight of a brick mailbox. I've become so unstable lately I'm so afraid I'll never be happy whether we're together or not. I'm tempted to beg my mom to save money so we can move away, so I can forget everyone and everything that's stuck with me for the past 5 years. I've never felt so alone, even when I'm with a friend. I've never been so sick to my stomach that I break down and cry in front of a hundred of my peers because she's with her friends, laughing and conversating directly behind me. I've never needed my best friend more than I did today and found her after I was calmed down and going home.

I eat and smoke to make me feel relieved of stress and less empty. But it only makes me feel awful in the end. I haven't self injured myself in a while, which is good, I guess, but it's only a matter of time before I get back into the habit.

But I'm pretty good at shoving these horrible feelings away and saving them for those late hours of the night when everyone is asleep. I've been losing sleep, mostly because I've been babysitting almost every weekend, and it's wearing me out. I've had to worry about so much lately- tests, my depression, current events- that an "alternative escape" has never looked so good.

This isn't goodbye, at least not yet. Things may be bad now, but they'll get worse and that's when my decision will be final. Sometimes I feel ready to look everyone I love in the eyes, smile really wide, and say "I love you. Goodbye." and I'll mean it. Who knows when that'll be? Why aren't I in charge of how I leave this world and everyone behind? I'm in charge of my life, right? Why not death?

I love you. Goodbye.