You were my first friend in elementary school. Literally like the only one I had even though I was born here and have lived here ever since.
You had just moved here. You didn't know any better than to avoid me. But the best thing was that even when people told you not to be friends with me, you never listened. You made me feel like I could be worth something; you helped me justify my existence.
It was kind of predictable that I'd fall for you. I waited four years to tell you.
That is one of the decisions in my life that I regret the most, next to cutting myself for the first time. Honestly, I regret it that much.
Not that I regret losing you that much - not now that I see what you've become. But I regret setting myself up for this.
It makes me feel like I deserve this now. And I know that's fucked up: I know that I shouldn't feel like I deserve to get pushed into lockers, or have food thrown at me, or get kicked on the stairs, or told to kill myself. But I do.
And it all started with you. It all began when I blurted out one day that I really liked you.
You told me never to speak to you again. You told all of your friends to make fun of me too. And I forgave you. Within days. Because I thought that for sure you'd realize how awful you were being.
It's going on three years since you chose to hate me and you still haven't come to that conclusion. And I still forgive you. I still let you walk all over me.
I watch you sometimes. I know that you know that. You see me.
But you don't know why. I think maybe you think that I hate you, and that I want you to know that. I don't. I never could. Even when you call me a worthless fat whore and push me to the ground.
Do you want to know why I still watch you? I hope that one day I'm gonna see something in your eyes that shows me that you regret it too. That even if you don't ever tell me that you're sorry or anything, I can have that peace.
They never do.
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I W A N T T O F O R G ET A B O U T Y O U
Y O U H U R T M E
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I hate thinking about the past. How do you guys forget or at least let go of things that happened in the past that still hurt you?
Thanks for reading this, loves. Especially if you got all the way down here! ::cute:
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Until next time!
xoxo
Laura