Story of Love

So I met this guy through a friend about two years ago. It started off she was concerned about him because he was her friend and him and his girlfriend had just broken up. He was taking it really rough. At the time mind you i was 16 and him 19 so not much of a difference. He was drinking his problems away and my friend was really concerned since he wasn't listening to her she asked me if I could try and talk some sense into him because I am good at that. I messaged him December 5, 2012 and all I said was hi. My mutual friend had told me that he was upset at her because she told me about his problem. Well we kept talking and he bet me that I couldn't make him smile. I told him I could. So we kept talking just to get to know each other and well I started liking him I didn't intend to like him but something about him just made me feel like i was at home. I felt safe so I sent him my poem Confusion of Love(it's one of my poems on here check it out). He told me that he like me also but was afraid that i wouldn't accept everything he was. I told him don't fear but I accept love in all its forms. So it was now December 9, 2012 and he officially asked me out. It felt great at first. We got to know each other pretty well we were constantly on the phone all the time my mom got annoyed but she was joking around because I hardly ever called anyone so she was always let me guess its ***** and I said yes. It was definitely the romantic period. He bought me all sorts of presents. I told him he was crazy but it was so sweet he's country and he definitely has that country voice and it just made me weak to my knees. I knew things troubled him but he wouldn't let me in. I was concerned for him I really was because i just had that feeling that something was wrong. He told me every now and then bits and pieces of what was wrong with him and I just became more and more concerned for him. I told him I was always there for him and that I would always try to understand. I did have a bad childhood but i always told myself it could be worse. Every night I always had a roof, a bed, food, and clothes. I had people who cared but there were things i went through that have caused me to be depressed. But his life was just ten times worse than anybodies I ever knew. I felt absolutely horrible that he had to go through what he did. He didn't have anybody that cared about him as much as i did he didn't know what to do. He literally felt torn apart inside i knew that much. But I knew there was more going on and he wouldn't open up to me he didn't want to open up to anyone. There was only so much that I could do. At this point I felt like I loved him. Then a while down the road I think it was around January of 2013 he wanted to commit suicide nothing I said to him convinced him not too then I told my mother. She was friends with him on Facebook also so she talked to him and he felt better. He listened to her. I was surprised. He felt like he was on cloud nine. It was amazing I seriously thought he was better. I was wrong but i didn't know. His family kept treating him like shit he kept getting sick he had a lot of medical problems. He never wanted to do anything about it he had no health insurance. But i kept urging him on to do something about it because i knew he care about me that much was true at the time. Things were rocky for a while so I told him this. We should break up because he needs to focus on his life and get it together but I will always care about him. Oh ya Back around our three month anniversary I kissed another guy with full intentions of breaking up with him and going to this other guy. Ya i know it was stupid of me I should have never done it. It was hormones I do feel bad about it but he forgave me he made me a video of 'our' song and him saying that he will always love me and that he forgives me it was very touching. So anyways we broke up so he could focus on his life. It was hurtful yes but he truly did need to work on his life himself. While he did that I knew he would want me to try and be happy so I tried dating another guy but I just ended up crying every night and the guy broke up with me but whatever i was too heartbroken over losing my love. I tried explaining to him that I was stupid to let him go I should have never done that. I wanted him back it took a while though and a lot of convincing my best friend even helped me get him back. So on August 9, 2013 he asked me back out. It was amazing I was so happy. I got my true love back it was amazing. Everything was good. He had gone through a lot of medical stuff and we always talked even when we weren't dating. I missed him so much. So we talked endlessly. I was so happy but things turned for the worst. I honestly don't know what happened. Maybe I was too pushy maybe I asked too much of him. I don't know. Well lately these past couple weeks he barely talked to me I knew how bad his depression was so i was worried. I messaged him what I got back was devastating. He said that he was evil he wasn't himself anymore. He was never going back to himself again. I repeatedly told him that to me he was the greatest person on earth. He kept saying what he did was unforgivable that it was horrible. I told him to me nothing could be that bad. He said you want to see a photo I said sure. He said are you sure I said yes. He sent me a photo of a girl with a face painting of a skull all over her face. I said cool and whats so horrible about that. He said its a girl. I said oh ok ya that's cool. He said no its bad. I said whats wrong whats so bad. He kept skirting around it. I told him to be honest with me for once I said what did you kiss her what is so bad about painting a girls face. He said yes i did. I said yes you did what yes you kissed her? He said yes. I broke down. I couldn't process it at first I was just like so this is what he feels like everyday of his life this fucking sucks. I apologized and forgave him because I remembered that he forgave me when I kissed another guy. What I couldn't do was allow him to keep all the gifts he had bought me I told him to return it all. He said no that he wouldn't he wants to keep them he will always remember them. Now he says the only way he will be happy is through death. It hurt me to hear him say that. I always told him if his life truly was that bad and the only way that would make him happy is through death then so be it because if you are that miserable then you deserve that choice everybody does. All I have left to say to him is this. I'm sorry your life was bad. I'm sorry that it hurts everyday. I know sorry would never be good enough for you. My feelings for you were always real and true and if i was seriously that bad of a gf to you I apologize for being too pushy for not being happy with just the way you are. I know my apologies are not enough. If you do find happiness in death then I'm glad your soul will rest and that you will be happy. I know you won't be stressed anymore. I didn't like the fact that you had to go through so much at such a young age. I know you have heard this a million times but I will be the only person that will accept your death. I will be the only one that understands that you hated your life that much that I know you will only be truly happy once you don't have to open your eyes anymore. From my heart I will always love you and I will always remember you. If I ever do find another guy that I fall in love with and if I ever have a family I will let my children know of you. I will let them know that you could have been their daddy that such a wonderful guy who now has found peace lives in my heart. I may not be in his but he will always be in mine. That even though I do love their daddy their once was a man who i thought was the world. I thought I could change him to be better and get over his depression but I know now at this very moment that I can't change people and who they are. It will always be their life and I should just accept them for who they are.