Today I've come to accept something that I never wanted to have to, something I never wanted to happen. My mother had a relapse and started drinking again.
Why am I telling this to you, a group of strangers? I'm not sure, I guess it feels good to get it off my chest. Maybe it will help me come to terms with it, with her. Or maybe that one person will read this and maybe they are going to the same or similar thing and we can help each other through this. Maybe.
When I was 10 my mother relapsed and then became sober when I was 12. Now I'm 19 almost 20 and history is repeating itself as it always does. One would think that I would know how to handle this, but I don't. I feel more lost than ever, because when I look at her I don't see my mother, but instead I see a monster in her place. When I look at the mirror, I don't see myself, I see her, but not the mother I grew to love, I see this monster that has returned.
Why would I bring up the mirror aspect? Because, I see so much of the alcoholic in her in me. Throughout this entire process, I have been trying to find ways to cope with her and one way that seems to help is forgetting... losing myself for a small amount of time... loosing myself in a substance, be it alcohol, drugs or even sex. They all distract me and help me. I know that their not the right answer, so please don't tell me that. I know it's wrong, but for the time being, it's working. I'm not saying that it's the right thing to do, because I know that it's not, so I wouldn't do it if were you, if you were in a similar predicament, but for me, it helps.
Once again, the nightmares become reality; once again, life becomes a nightmare, and sleep is no longer a refuge.
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