Ultraviolence

This could be the last thing I write. My mind is running at light speed. I can't wrap my head around what's going on. I never imagined I could become so emotionally invested in someone that I wanted to walk into my parent's closet and grab a gun. I'm not the type of person to think this stuff. I'm not a coward.

I'm in love.

I don't know why I'm sitting here in my car crying with a laptop, listening to Ultraviolence by Lana Del Rey, writing this on a website that so many people can read, but yet they don't know me. It's a blog about something that they won't understand and even if they do, they don't know me enough to stop me.

My world feel apart three times in my life. I hit rock bottom three times.
1) when my grandpa died 2) when I lost the girl I love the most 3) losing the love of my life to someone who can't and won't take care of her.

I'm at rock bottom. I'm honestly below that.

I thought what I've done was enough. I thought I've proved the world to her. I thought that me going the extra distance to prove I would do anything for the girl I love more than anything is what would make her realize that the love I have for her is not petty. It's so much more than that.
I guess when they say that someone is their saving grace, yet the thing that will kill them is true.

I've turned into what my father was. Overbearing, hard to be around, and smothering the person I love so much that I push them away.

I honestly can't sit here and list every reason that that girl is the love of my life. I'm not exactly sure why. I fell for her for some reason. I love everything about her, even when she hates me. But I fell for her when I first met her. I barely knew her, so I didn't know that eventually down the road I'd fall for her simple elegance, or beautiful smile. Her silver blue eyes that I could get lost staring in for hours or her irresistibly addicting laugh that made me want to make her laugh more just to hear it. Her perfectly pale porcelain skin that I craved to touch from November 2009 to now or her long beautiful hair that I could get lost in while kissing her. Her perfectly plump lips that I died to kiss ever second of my life or her soft touch when she kissed me. Her siren like vocal ability when she sings The Little Mermaid and The Phantom of the Opera or her sweet, southern voice saying she loved me.

She's my saving grace. She's my reason to exist. I don't think I've ever loved someone more than I've loved her. I don't see myself being able to.

There's so much more to the love I have for Brieanna Hope Deas than what it seems. I could try to express every ounce of love I have for her in some way but I couldn't. I don't have that much time left.

I don't see me being able to live without her again.

If you ever find this, Brie: I love you more than you could know or realize. Please be happy after this. That's all I ever wanted to do was give you immense happiness. If I can't, find someone worthy of your love. Not someone who will abuse it.
I love you the first time. I love you the last time. Tú eres mi princesa, siempre. I love you. I love you forever. You were my spark.

Sincerely always, Mel.