I was meant to go to a PFLAG meeting, which is "Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays" PFLG didn't have that snazzy ring to it though, so they went ahead and used the A of "and".
Yes, that actually bothers me, because by that right "PFLAG" should be "PAFOLAG".
But I digress.
I was meant to go on the 13th, but the time displayed on the online meeting bulletin wasn't the same as the bulletin on the door. So I missed it by an hour.
I had psyched myself up to go, and I consider that a feat of some admiration because I hate forced socialization.
Not actually doing it was a relief in an immature way, but then I was left with all of the pent up energy. It wasn't like an energetic, anthing-is-possible energy, it was just this nervous thrumming of which I had no clue how to dispose of.
I half wanted to run like a lunatic to the shoreline, get my feet in the cold ocean. I didn't, I felt too impotent to try.
What I wound up doing was picking things up at the store with my mom.
I went to the mens clothing department. I thought that was daring. It definitely tapped into that nervous energy, I felt like I was risking getting caught on the wrong side of the fence, and that bothered me in a dull, distant way, because this should be my side of the sodding fence, but it was fine.
I passed! Woot.
I have been passing for the last... two weeks? I would say that amongst strangers I pass %95 of the time.
I had this happy moment last week, because I was with my mom and brother at the farms to get produce, and I asked a guy who worked there if they had pickling cucumbers, to which he replied "Sorry man, we're out till tomorrow"
Sorry man. I spoke and I passed.
Beyond that point... my mom came home one night and decided that she was doing it. It being telling my siblings.
She had wanted to tell them to give them time to come to terms, and also I suspect to act as a buffer should they react badly.
They are all supportive. I... my family is amazing.
I feel guilty for having doubted their acceptance, and I know that they believe in varying degrees that I was closeted for so long because I didn't believe they would accept me, that I thought they were prejudice, or ignorant, and that I didn't feel safe. I don't know how to convey the shear vastness of reasons and nonreasons that exist to keep a person tamped down and covered.
One is that you want to find the "right time", and there is no "right time", you either do it or you don't, it's either good or bad. There is no right time, though I suspect there are wrong times... At a funeral for instance.
So now I am out to all four brothers, my sister, my mom, her boyfriend, my mom's co-workers, a few family friends, and a psychologist... with whom I still need to make an appointment.
Because I missed the meeting I went to the Annual PFLAG Picnic, but no one was there.
I don't traffic in omens, but I'm not getting a very keen feel for this division of PFLAG.
My mom wants me to maybe try a meeting in the valley, but I really am questioning the utility of these meetings.
I'm not the type of person who needs to talk about things, and I am not really comforted by commiseration.
I think I would benefit from a session or two with a therapist, but as for monthly meetings to discuss my transexuality? I am hesitant to commit.
One huge factor is that in LGBT, only one letter doesn't denote a sexual orientation. I am asexual, and because of that, not sure how fantastically I will fit in there.
Asexual meetings have been suggested, but... doesn't that seem like an Atheist church? We are gathered here today... to discuss what we just don't do
The utility of groups is fundamentally a social setting to make friends and find potential partners, and my focus is on other things.
I need to think.
