Sometimes I wonder... if I have a BIG heart, or I am just being too nice. What is the difference between the two? I have never known, for my 20 years of life, I have continued to be the person who cannot determine the two. Is too nice being able to take care of everybody and giving your up most 100 percent, or is having a big heart being very generous and understanding? I have believed that I have both, for my emotions and my feelings have been unseen for most of the part. I curse myself for having both. Why? Because I am the ending of a bad situation, time, or place. I know, you are thinking "That deliberately made no sense". I know... but I never really asked the reader to understand, therefore, the reader can read and not understand, but if you do... I am surprised.
My Big Heart has not led me to have wonderful things in my life... I have met wonderful people, who have had my heart, they either get left behind in the past or are even in my present time, today. But my heart has not brought me good things in life, people, maybe, but things? No. I have enjoyed the little things, I have enjoyed the simple things, but, they are not the good things that have come to me. I have always wondered where, and how I can find the things, that are good, come to me. What do I mean by good? Well... things that I do, which are good deeds to people, never come back as good karma. Ah! Their is the word, karma... I can say I am the unluckiest person alive. But why? Because I have seen those around me have the best, while I have the worst, everyone who goes through me somehow ends up being happy or successful. I am not a charm, I know, but I do what I can to have something good in my life, I have my love, which he is the best so far in my life, but I feel like he is suffering inside. I feel like those around me are suffering inside... and at this point, I have given up to make myself believe "I am special, because God made me special".
I question myself... why did God make me? Why did he take the time to make me and put me in a life that I have made those I once loved or cared suffer? I am not blaspheming, I am not questioning God's authority or power... but I am questioning his creation, which is me, and nobody else. I know he wants me to see how great I am and how I can do amazing things in life, but I see me doing the worst things and making those suffer around me. By being understanding, by listening and by simply stating my opinion. My thoughts are not welcomed anywhere, I have noticed, my voice is not loud but silent, and my heart beats in pain, waiting for the day it stops, finally. I cannot describe what I feel at the moment. But the time will come soon.
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