Breaking a Break-Up

There's this indescribable feeling of not knowing what you did..or why you did it. You feel disgusted and you hate yourself for what THEY did to you..almost like it's YOUR fault, because you didnt fit into their warped version of perfection no matter how hard they pushed or what you did to make them happy. Nothing was EVER good enough.
Then there are the lies. One lie just unravels everything..."was anything they told me REAL?" Or am I just that stupid? And of course you dont want to go to them and ask, becasue god knows they wont tell you the truth, as if they ever had.
What was real?
What was bullshit?
I dont know.
And by the end of it all you're so emotionally and mentally drained while they're in pristine condition and felt absolutely nothing. Not one tear; every moment you spent torturing yourself, they were laughing and kissing someone else. What kind of person can just DO that?
Knowing someone you "cared about" is in the kind of pain that mimics a heart attack, and you can just sit back and let them cry themselves to sleep at night. You have to be either sick in the brain, or not have a heart.
But in the end its more about knowign why; why they did it, why they lied, why they just let you fall apart. Whether they still love you or not, they should be a decent enough human being to be able to just send a text asking if you're alright...maybe even a phone call. It's the most selfish thing in the world.
It's like waking up from a deep sleep. You still want to roll over and tell them good morning, discuss what the day holds, and talk about the night before, but you feel so overwhelmed with a new day and what's already past and the whole time you were sleeping you had no idea what was really going on; stars rose and fell, worlds shifted, people died, hearts broke, families fell apart, but life continued on around you.
AND THE COLLATERAL DAMAGE IS THE WORST TO CLEAN UP. You can't jsut express to the world that you have a broken heart, or that the person you thought loved you more than anything is a backstabbing ass hole, no. You have to paint on a pretty smile and wipe the mascara off. It's a bullshit way to live. Nobody should have to hide their emotions, not for anyone. Nobody should be afraid to pinpoint WHY they don't want to be alone, or why they cannot control their tears.
"I got my heart broken by the jerk who I wasted 3 years and countless other relationships on. I thought I had control, I thought he loved me, I thought I was enough...and I was wrong."
Nobody wants to admit it...I sure as hell didn't.