Irrevocable

The first year was terrifying. Eleven at the time I begged my parents to let me die. If I stopped taking my medication it would be easy. Dying would be easy.
There was screaming--so much screaming. My soul oozed out of me in an endless stream of tears and I was empty. They said it was a phase. They said it would end.
It got better in the summers and worse in the winters. So bad sometimes that I couldn't drag my frail corpse out of my bed. I would look in the mirror and see a girl I didn't recognize. There was no light in her eyes--no passion. She was grey, and lackluster, thin, inadequate. School never helped. Friends didn't understand. I was alone.
High school brought a friend who understood, but it also brought razor blades. The cool calming sensation of metal on my wrist. Its a phase. It'll go away. No one noticed. No one cared.
College was lonely. My best friend was gone and suffering as well. I was in a relationship that offered little comfort. That lackluster girl had to put on a show. She had to get out of bed and do her hair, put on her make up. She had obligations. The physical pain. The burden. She would sulk in the corner of a subway car because no one understood. The work was killing her. The disapproval of her family drained her. I broke.
It didn't get better after. Moving home is like prison. It'll go away. They still tell me it'll go away. It doesn't. It tugs at my soul and my organs and rips me open and apart, splaying all I am across the walls of my closet sized room. They don't get it. The words don't help.
I crawl, uneasy, in my skin. I wash with boiling water and feel the need to rip off my flesh. I claw at it. I'm anxious. I've had too much coffee. I've had too little affection. I need him to hold me. Tell me he loves me. I need to be touched--loved. I need someone to turn the emotions to something tangible so that I don't have to do it again. If its all up to me, I don't know if I'll survive it.
This year is terrifying. I begged him to stay the night, but he's busy. Its a phase, they said. It would end, they said.