Busy

Earlier today I watched a poetry slam where a young woman talked about her depression and how her mother didn't understand. One of her lines was "I learned to turn the angry into lonely and the lonely into busy. So when I tell you I've been busy..."
I've been busy.
Living with my parents these last few years has been difficult. Once upon a time they worked the same job and the same hours and they knew the same people so they had something in common. Now they have nothing in common except for the mortgage and a cemetery plot. When I was younger I begged my mom to leave because my father has always been harsh--an abrasive alcoholic. I still want her to leave him for her own good, but I don't think that he could make it on his own anymore. When I was younger I think that there was enough of who he had been left for him to pull his life back together and move on. Now I don't think he would be able to do it. When my mom is gone and it's just dad and I, he seems so sad and lonely. When I go out at night he seems broken and part of me feels obligated to stay home and keep him company even though it does no good for either of us. We both have short tempers and someone snaps making the house cold and hostile.
My mom has been living at my grandmother's these past few weeks and I hate coming home. I used to look forward to talking to her for a few minutes between work and school, even though most of the time she would be on the phone, or distracted, and I would get annoyed. Half the time she wouldn't listen to me when I vented, but it was nice that she was there to talk to. I want her to come home because I hate living with just dad. Living with just dad means that the house doesn't get cleaned unless I do it all after he goes to bed. It means there's really never any food because he won't go to a supermarket. It means that I can't have company because he's hostile. It means that I'm a prisoner in my own home. Mom was our buffer. She listened to both sides (and usually sided with me). She would put him in his place. They always fought and I hated it, but at least she was here and at least it kept my fighting to a minimum. I want her to come home because we haven't started decorating for Christmas yet and I know dad won't help me. I want her to come home, but if she comes home it means my grandma died. And even after that happens, I know she doesn't want to come back home.
Most of my friends were acting weird lately. I had still been friends with my ex, E, but he freaked out on me this weekend and that took a bunch of my friends away. I have no one to talk to. I'm freaking out about school and my parents and work and all of these things. I still miss J. I'm still lonely. I still need someone.