Let's Get Started Shall We?

So I'm not the only one blogging for the first time. I mean sure, I've been using tumblr for God only knows how long, but that's not really blogging.

In any case I thought I'd give this a try and see where it goes.

What have I got to lose right?

I guess what I'll start with is an issue that's been bothering me for the past while, today specifically.

Today is in some ways a rough day to me because today's my ex best friend's birthday.

The story kinda goes like this:

We met the summer before 8th grade was about to start. I don't really remember where or how, but we did and I'd had a thing for him from the beginning. Within days we would find ourselves spending all night talking on the phone about all kinds of things and sharing secrets with each other that I still haven't told anyone else.

Needless to say, despite what my feelings were for him (and during the span of our friendship there was a vast spectrum) he's always been deeply important to me.

After all, he was the first to ever tell me he thought I was beautiful without wanting to get in my pants or with any underhanded notion behind his words. Anything and everything he'd ever said to me was genuine which is probably why i still feel so attached to him.

Anyway.

Before freshman year we found out that he wouldn't be going to the same school as I would and that's when our relationship to its first turn for the worst. But we muscled through it. We went to the local mall almost every weekend just hanging out or going to watch movies together. There was no one I wanted to be around more than him.

And I'm pretty sure at that point he knew I was in love with him, but I loved him enough that I was willing to accept that we'd missed our chance at a relationship and I didn't care who he was with as long as I saw him happy.

Fast forward a couple years, I'm a junior in high school and it's my last birthday before I'm moving across the country. I hadn't gotten the chance to see his stupid face in months, but we were still talking from time to time. So of course the only way I wanted to celebrate my birthday was with him. So I invited him over and for the first time in our entire friendship we hung out some where other than the mall or the movies (where the year before I basically had my first second kiss with him–to put it lightly he was the first person I'd ever made out with. But that part of another story.)

In the time between before we started our movie and when we dropped him off back home, he'd taught me more things about myself–along with other stupid crap I'll never forget–and I had That experience of being reunited with someone and being able to pick up right where we left off.

He taught me all about the music that I love so much today and all the different sub genres and bands. He taught me that I'm kinda worth being around when everyone else at that time didn't want to bother (again, another sad story for another time) and everything I learned from him and everything he told me I held very close and dear to me because I didn't think I'd ever see him again.

And I was right.

So the next year I was out of Florida and starting my senior year in California. And now here's the thing about me. I'm a pretty anxious. After the previous 3 years I had in high school I had it engrained in my mind that no one liked me even if they didn't know me. Even if it seemed like they did, they didn't. And so being alone was one of my biggest fears.

It was just after my birthday, 2 months into senior yea that I was still sitting alone at lunch when I decided to turn to Ryan to keep me company until then. But I quickly realized that he was ignoring me.

And when I asked him, he didn't deny it. And as if that didn't hurt me enough, the next thing he said nearly made me cry in the middle of the class and I nearly ran out of the room so I could do just that.

"I'm moving on in my life and you're not a part of it anymore."

And thennnnnn he blocked me. Now believe me, if that's what he wanted I would've been fine with it. If he felt that we were growing apart fine. I understand that. But the way he said it, as if I was some annoying girlfriend or someone he'd never wanted to know in the first place, he said it so harsh and I was already fragile.

I know I should get over, I should've a long time ago. But instead, 3 years later I'm a sophomore in college, doing things I'm totally proud of and making great achievements that I never would've believed I'd ever be able to years ago...

But then I see the date approach Jan. 10th and all I can be is depressed because the only person I had left to trust in my life, decided I wasn't worth it just like everyone else.

Has anyone else had an experience similar to this? What did you do? What advice would you give me? We're back to being friends on Facebook, do I look past all that and hope he does to and wish him a happy birthday? What do you guys think?

And thank you for reading I'm sure this was all messy and hard to read but I hope you can get the story I was trying to tell and how it's affecting me today.

And of course, thanks again. I'm sure I'll post something again soon.