Complicated

I feel like the physical embodiment of a stuffed sausage right now.

I got my waist trainer in the mail today. Immediately put it on, forgot I was so hungry in excitement, went to the DH to get a sandwich...stuff sausage feeling commenced.

It's not as bad as I thought the feeling would be, but I'll save that for another blog.

Last night was pretty...rough. I had practice last night and it was just...bad on my end. Idk if it was my throat, being so tired, distracted, being by myself or whatever but...I wasn't good.

So much to the point that I now have to meet with Alex *insert eyeroll* for solo sessions.

We had a conversation. It wasn't extremely deep, but it was a conversation.

Remember how I said I felt like I bombed my audition?

I did.

In Alex's words, I was "right on the edge of not getting in."

Which then spiraled to this lil bitch shit of "I believe in your spirit!" And "I think you have potential!" while being laced with being told I was like the 3rd from last person on the score sheet, if I auditioned anywhere else I wouldn't make it, and just shit that made it seem like me being in the group is all just one big favor.

I hoenestly just kept asking why am I here then. Cause honestly, if I'm so low then why the fuck bother?

I said I was unhappy. He asked why. I said it just doesn't feel fun for me and what the fuck is up with judging us on a NYSSMA scale? He said it didn't matter and asked if he was the problem. I laughed it off and said he isn't.

He isn't. I refuse to let a boy be the root of my problems. I'm my own problem.

But being told all that was some bullshit. And an asshle move.

Then he tried to tell me about myself like he knows me saying I look bored in practice and that I'm a pessimist and it's just like...

You
Don't
Know
Me

But *sigh* I guess. Being in this group doesn't make me happy anymore. It feels more like a drag and a chore than fun.

TL;DR: He makes me sound like I'm just one big problem and I could quit, but I'm not gonna. Instead I told him to fuck off (litrally) and I'm gonna figure it out.

He also talks to me like I'm a child and can't understand certain words and it's just...bleh.

Instead, I'm gonna dig deep within myself to find joy in singing and being in the group and stunt. In every possible way.

In other news, Ben is officially no longer in the group and I would be lying if I didn't say I've been listening to "Mr. President" by Pia Mia since.

So there's that.

I have laundry and a paper to do.
Stay blessed and unbothered <3