Turning 18 Got Me Like

So my birthday is Thursday and I kinda don't know how to feel. I know it's just a number that gives you a few more freedoms, but 18 is a bit freaky. I remember being in my car seat pulling into my driveway at night a long time ago and thinking about what it would like to be 18 and going off to college. I wondered if I would remember that moment. Well, I just wanted to tell my younger self that yes, I do. I'm almost 18 and I'm picking a university soon and it's odd.

Though, as I look back at my childhood years, I have to admit that I've failed my younger self in many ways. I didn't experience all the things I had imagined for myself. I never got a boyfriend and I didn't get asked to a dance. I didn't get a best friend that would never leave my side. I didn't do many of the classic archetypal things high school girls do. I spent a long time taking this all as some sort of message against myself...as if I wasn't good enough. I've never really connected with my peers, which often left me feeling lonely despite the fact that I was considered popular. Being known is different than knowing.

But I also did many other things that made up for those petty losses, as well as a few petty things that cleaned up the wounds. I was a varsity cheerleader, I was on Homecoming Court. I was consistently big roles in theatre. I found my passion for opera and I harnessed my artistic abilities. Fuck, I painted two foot tall portraits of my brother and me. I have a high GPA and I do well in school. I've missed out on some little things, but in the scheme of it all, I did pretty good.

So, I'm turning 18 and perhaps the solitude I've created in my personal life is what will make my switch to secondary education smooth and very much needed. I'm excited, even though it's a little jarring to officially leave behind a chapter in my life. While moving away from my family will be the hardest thing I've ever done, I can't help but recognize that I was meant to do the things I dream to do and Thursday, Feburary 25th 2016 is kick in the right direction. Besides, maybe I'll go to school out where my mom lives and I can watch my little sister grow up, too. Maybe I'll make it big in opera or maybe I won't and I'll go into tattooing.

Whatever happens, we'll just have to see.