I'm so Lost I Don't Even Know What to Call This

I feel like I spend all my time trying to figure out what the hell it is I'm doing. Or want to do.

Looking back, I don't know what I was thinking when I came here. The goal was just MUSIC. I worked so hard to get here. I guess I thought I had a plan but the more I reflect back on it nowadays I realize that I really didn't. I didn't know what I was doing then and I definitely don't now.

The logical voice in my head told me today as I sat watching everyone around me be amazing at their craft, "There is always going to be something you know that someone else doesn't and there's always going to be someone who knows more than you." Sometimes I think that's awesome. We're all growing and learning from each other.

Most times lately though, I think it's a giant load of shit.

I know, I know, "the problem is that you have a bad attitude." You're right. I do. I piss and moan all day everyday about how, wait for it...I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. I don't know what I want to do or who I want to be or who I want to do it with. Isn't that something, just on the cusp of 22 years old? I've devoted the last six years of my life to being a musician and right now I feel like I have nothing to show for it but a lack of confidence and, yes, a bad attitude.

So, what do I do to fix that? "Have more confidence in yourself!" "Practice, practice, practice!" I feel like all I do is tell myself to be more confident and practice, practice, practice.

Ya wanna know something though? I'm pretty. I know I know, VAIN MUCH? But I am. I'm nice to everyone I meet (whether they deserve it or not.) I'm a good singer, guitar player, pianist, and an even better songwriter. I know all these things. They're true. It's not that I don't believe them. I guess it's just that there's always someone who is prettier. There's always someone who sings better, plays guitar better, piano better. It isn't that I'm invisible here, it's just that I'm so drown out by other voices. Other instrumentalists. Other writers. I end up spending the majority of my time hiding in a practice room or running around in my own brain like a chicken with its head cut off if I'm out and around everyone else.

I know I have to get it together soon. I have to stop whining, have to stop being pissed at everyone else for being so good. But as my time here comes to a close, I wonder how much I'll look back and feel like this place changed me. Sometimes I think it's only a little bit. Sometimes I think it's a whole lot. Sometimes I think it's been for the good.

Other times not so much.

Did I mention I'll be 22 next week? I know. You're right. So much teen angst for someone who isn't a teenager.