10:00

I don't think I'm in a state where I should be blogging but I haven't whined into the void for awhile and I have no other outlet, unless you count cryptic poetry.

I don't.

So yay! I'm not going to school in British Columbia! What convinced me that I could? Why did I think I'd get what I want? What selfish melodramatic brattery is this? Punctuation! God!

Maybe I can go to the shitty state school ! Or not ! Because their applications are closed ! hahahaha Oh, I can go. But they won't give me financial aid. But engineering program that I wanted is closed so if I apply again next year, I've got a 10% chance of making it in via transfer.

Onto shitty state school #2! I can get in, but can I get into the engineering program? Probably not. Because things don't work that way for me. And they won't give me aid.

And everything--with money, with people, with school and the classes that I do have--it's just. I hate everything about it. I'm so stressed that nothing feels real, but I'm also so hurt and angry and sad that I can't get through a day without crying. I can't even reach out for help in real life without facing a new wave of delegitimization because ~real boys don't cry blah blah blah~ and I shouldn't pay attention to ~society~ but I can't help it because I can't feel real enough on my own and.

Sorry. Sorry I'm behind on graphics and I'm not updating and I'm just dumping this here.