After an Affair: When It's Okay to Stay (by Complete Coincidence)

So I logged on after writing a deeply personal article for PuckerMob, and as I went to post it here, I found it's already being hotly discussed: Opinions on cheaters.

I guess my article is more about the opinions of people who stay with cheaters. After all, the world thinks cheaters are terrible people. Doesn't that innately mean if you stay with one, you're making a bad choice?

So, my two cents before I share my article: Cheaters fucked up. They did something horrible that they can never take back. They caused someone a lot of pain--probably someone who loved them very much. They broke trust, they betrayed the ideals of the communication that should have existed, they fucked up.

But they can still be good people. People are complex. Good people do really fucking shitty things, and bad people can do really really good things. No one is defined by their mistakes, even when those mistakes cause immeasurable amounts of unnecessary pain.

So, you know. Unpopular opinion?

After an Affair: When it's Okay to Stay

I don't know if I ever told Mibba that my husband had an affair. I think I was mostly afraid that people would lose respect for him, or for us, or even for me. I've had people tell me that they loved my relationship with my husband, and admired it, and thought it was sweet, and I didn't want to disappoint people.

It took me a long time to realize that our relationship is still good. I realized it when we were talking a couple weeks ago, and after a couple hours, I realized that despite everything--all the pain, accusations, etc.--I could walk away from a painful discussion feeling like I understood him better, understood me better, understood us better. We still have the capacity for the amazing trust and communication I've always been so proud of. And now it's a little more work, for a while at least, but I'm still proud of it.

I realized before then that HE'S still good. It's in the way he did everything he could to be better for me. It's in the way he's encouraged me every waking moment. It's in the way he reacts to our fights, with compassion and love, and it's in the way he reacts to our joys, with eagerness and excitement.

The black and white views of cheating and cheaters made me feel like I should be ashamed for staying in a relationship that is, on the whole, very, very good, and has changed and continues to change my life for the better, because the person I love fucked up.

So there's that, guys. Take what you will from it.