Celibacy?

Hey, guys!

This is gonna be a very sexual blog lol. I'm still avoiding all my mibbian responsibilities but I promise I'll get some shit done in the near future.

So...as of like Friday I have been claiming to now be practicing celibacy.

As of last night I've been swiping around on tinder.

Um. Should I step back a bit?

Yeah, let's do that.

As y'all know I went to counseling on Friday. I didn't full-fledged cry since crying is a thing that I don't like to do and it has now turn into a thing I just..can't do. It's weird. My eyes get watery. The tears wanna come out, like, they're there.

But they never really spill down my face.

Anyway, my counselor taught me a new word. Callous. That's the word he used to describe Emerson. He then went on to tell me about this story of the time he and his wife went to France and she got her bag stolen by a woman. It was a really good analogy that (bad) people are really good at what they do.

He also put the thought into my head that if Emerson contacts me again (which he said he would) I should go and file a harassment claim to the school since we're both students.

I officially have him blocked since that session. I actually blocked him during the France story. I welcome the silence...but I also kinda fear it.

Saturday, instead of drinking my ass off, I went to my friend's college and went to their carnival. We went last year. It was really nice. I missed my girls so much. I talked to my more experienced friend, we'll call her Amery, and we just talked about it overlooking the carnival.

Idk. idk. idk. It's like I'm done talking about it but I'm still very upset about it. I didn't even really realize I was upset about it until my aunt called me out about it over the phone. I just brushed it off and said that's just life. I'm gonna be upset about it until I'm just not.

Now I just have anxiety. I'm anxious. He's blocked on my phone so his texts and calls can't get through to me if he's been trying or will try. But he still exists. We're still students of the same University. It's not a question of if I will ever see him again...more like a when.

I danced around in his "territory" a lot this weekend.

On Friday I was taken to his frat with my roommate and the sorority she's rushing. I've never been to the second house of that frat so I didn't even know until I saw an old neighbor from last year that I've seen so much but never really talked to. Then I saw the one that I actually did talk to and had a crush on. He's still cute. I would do something with him but I feel that 1. It's too close and 2. I feel like he doesn't see/feel for me in anyway more than a friendly/platonic manner so ehhh.

I shouldn't fuck with anyone in his frat anyway. Even if he's technically an alum now.

I was mostly sober or just at the point of tipsy Friday. Which is great since I was puking my way through the weekend before that.

Then Saturday y'all know about the carnival thing and idk...after the carnival we went to grab some food and on the way there my stomach just...idk. It didn't feel good. I got a bad gut feeling and started to feel VERY anxious. I stayed anxious until I pretty much got into my dorm and took a shower and prayed.

Then like on Sunday's I go my best friend's grandparent's house cause we do weekly dinner there and in order to go home on the bus I have to pass his apartment.

So that's just something I'm gonna have to deal with...forever. Or at least for the rest of this semester/year. The sucky part about that is I have to take the bus by myself since there isn't a bus that stops both near my school and my friends.

Just ugh.

But, yeah, celibacy!

It's like...I really want sex. I really wanna have sex and be involved with the act. But I'm just mentally not in the space to deal with men or emotions.

So, in reality, I just need a vibrator lol.

But, like, I also wanna be intimate and close and shit and just...

Fuck it all. Just fuck it all.

I'm playing around on tinder but I'm not really doing anything and the people I match with aren't messaging me and I'm not gonna message them so lol.

In retrospect, it's only been like a little over a week since I've last laid down with someone, but like, my sex drive is through the roof.

Being celibate when you're not a virgin, at least for me, is different from being celibate when you are.

Maybe because I never really was celibate when I was a virgin? lol Also because I feel like my sex drive has heightened since I started actually being sexually active.

Like it's always been high, but now it's higher.

Idk. The idea of slutting things up and being sexual and messing around seems fun. But it's other people that are stopping me tbh lol. Like my bestfriend who I adore just wouldn't like it so I'm just gonna try my best and refrain from it cause I don't want it to become this thing where I don't like tell her.

Plus, in general, I'm too emotional of a person. I probably won't even like the sex if I'm not emotionally attached to the person.

So I'm just gonna be *very* celibate and very patient.

We'll see what happens.