There's a Limit to Everything, Don't You Think? [Warning for Really Depressing Things.]

Hello Mibba it's been ridiculously long. But I do like having this site as a means to get away from everything. Like, my entire life is a mess right now and I can't say anything because all of my friends have all my accounts basically everywhere. Except this one. So it's nice to remember this site exists.

If you've clicked this for whatever reason be warned for some pretty...not good content.

Anyway, whatever it is that I have has been spiraling out of control as of late and basically all I want to do is die. Which isn't anything new but at this point it's either messing with my already existing interpersonal relationships or there is something actually afoot.

I guess I can pinpoint it back to when I met uh, we'll call her S. She's a good kid. I wish nothing but the best for her honestly. But here's the thing. Uh, look I'm really bad with feelings and a lot of the time I find myself thinking I feel one thing but it's really nothing, and I mean this in general, but for this specific case I went and did a bad and it was just a mess but I mean things are sort of okay now. Basically it's reached a point where I either really want to talk to her about things cause she gets them on a level not a lot of people do or I actively want to leave my friend group because she's there and all my friends like her way better than me and she's basically taken my place if not made her own place that basically overcomes mine. And that bothers me cause I either want to be her friend or resent her. Which is pretty bad?

This is just kind of reinforced by them constantly playing and talking about something that they all knew I actively loved while completely ignoring me. Which is great you know? I love coming into the group chat and saying things that get blatantly ignored. I also absolutely love coming in to group calls and saying hello to getting no responses. I've never actually had friends like these and now that I have them I'm losing them if not already lost them.

There was also a vague post made that could have possibly been about me. Which was just this active, "jesus shut up already" which is, you know. If it was about me, great. I'm so tired of me that I've gone and made the people I cared about tired of me.

Anyway on with this whole: Ryan has no control over his mental state and can't discern actual emotions from what could be emotions. Basically I'm a lot more messed up than I thought I was, what do ya know. Anyway, uh, I've basically decided to disappear as of last night. Like, I don't know. The last time I went ahead and just kept to myself because I was going through a really bad spell one of my friends messaged me and said that since I hadn't shown any effort in wanting to talk to them they just kind of stopped trying which still....it's something I haven't forgotten haha.

I mean, I dunno. I'm well aware I'm no peach and that they don't owe me anything. But, you know, maybe I'm a selfish piece of crap who wants constant validation but doesn't actually deserve it? That's probably it. Hooo boy. I think I absolutely need to die.

Uh, anyway I've basically decided that I'm gonna end up doing something a little extreme. I haven't actively plotted out possible ways to die for like, a long time. And as of last night it's just a matter of working my way back to actually going through with it? Or I might just pick up the self-harm habit back up again. I don't know I'm just a mess right now and I need either of these things.

I can't get any sort of help at all and it feels like I'm reaching the end of the tunnel and there's no light waiting there. It just leads to an abyss. I don't wanna make it.