Customary New Year's Eve Post

December, 31st 2016. 10.00pm

Hello, everyone.

There are a few more hours to go before 2016 leaves us and 2017 comes to take its place. I’m not usually the one to write this kind of post, being all mushy-mushy and touchy-feely with this customary ‘New Year’s eve’ post thing. But I guess 2016 had left such an impact in my life and I want to put this in writing. I will probably lose my coherence through the middle of this, but bear with me.

2016 has been a year of firsts for me. I’ve learned a lot through this year and it feels surreal that it’s almost over. I started 2016 feeling miserable, almost to the point where I wanted to quit what I was doing at the time and just run away as far as I could. The first half of 2016, I spent most of my nights crying and wondering if I would ever make it. And I spent the other half of the year trying to get used to a new life, a life as a working woman.

2016 taught me to be strong, to push through no matter what obstacles were put in front of me. I’ve lost myself this year and I’m still struggling to find it. Maybe when I do, it’ll be a better version of me. Who knows?

I completed my six years in engineering school this year, something that I never thought I could achieve. I guess it would be slightly easier if this was something that I wanted to do from the start. But it wasn’t. I almost quitted but then I couldn’t because I was scared of starting over. So I went on. I don’t have the privilege to be a chooser. So I have to settle. No matter how miserable it made me feel. I’m settling down, I make my own money now. I should zip up my mouth and be grateful.

2017 be nice?

Nah, I don’t have such hopes. Call me a pessimist, I’m just being realistic. It doesn’t matter what year comes and goes, at the end of the day, we are the ones who make the changes. So this is my challenge. To myself and to you as well.

You want a change? Be the change you want to see.

I don’t usually do New Year’s resolution. But right now I’m making a promise to myself.

I will try to learn to love me for who I am. Maybe when I’m able to do that, I can learn to love others the way they deserve to be loved. Maybe, when I’m able to love myself, I can accept it when people try to love me, then I will feel like I deserve that love.

Or maybe, when I can learn to accept me for who I am, I will finally find what I’ve lost all this time.

Maybe I’ll find myself again, my passion, my excitement.

Maybe then, I will find my courage to do the things that I really want to do and not to settle just because it’s ‘convenient’ and it’s ‘easy’. Or because it’s what expected of me.

I don’t know when I can fulfil this promise. Maybe somewhere in 2017. Or maybe it’ll take longer than that. All I know, the future is a scary thing to think about. You may think you have everything figured out and then life comes to smack you in the face, pushing you down until you fall on your ass. But, when you’re already down, what else can it do? The only way you can go is up and up and up.

See you next year, or maybe not.

xxLina

December 31st, 2016. 10.19pm