Hi, to whoever you are.
So you may not know me yet, but hopefully, one day when we are together you will know me. And I'm not talking about knowing in the sense of just seeing the surface of the ocean glimmer, but rather the kind where you have traveled through my darkest crevices and felt the cold embrace of the water. It's not all that is down there. I promise. But if you've seen that, then you may have the right to say that you truly know me.
So, I am writing to you, because this week has been really tough on me. A lot of things that I thought I have already dealt with came crashing through my soul and I found a lot of parts of me, parts I buried alive five years ago. It seems that the ghosts of my past has come back to haunt me.
There is one specific ghost that caught my attention. Let's call him Marcus for now. I remember him quite vividly. The coming of age teenage boy with romantic fantasies that encumbers every cheesy film I've ever watched. He was something that girls dreamed of finding, according to all the films he watched, but I had to bury him. The reason is quite simple. Reality has no space for him. He was such a lonely traveler.
Well, I'll be honest. It was not like girls didn't like him. He was just too nice. The kind of nice that says "Welcome" on the mat in front of your door. But the problem with his nice was that people wiped their shoes on it, their muddy-brown shoes. Especially when it was raining. Yep, he was everyone's favorite doormat. And girls wants a guy who knows how to be authoritative when needed.
That's who I became then. Present me. The cynical and skeptical philosopher, so lost in the space between his ears that he neglected every relationship he had. Present me, he gets what he wants. But present me noticed that there is something missing.
Have you ever had that experience where you go and sit at your desk and you just know something is missing? There is this uneasy feeling and it's something you just can't quite shake. Well, that's pretty much the way it feels right now.
It was Marcus. But, not just Marcus. There is way more to it than just that.
It was everything Marcus stands for. That includes love at first sight, 3 AM conversations with hot chocolate and a marshmallow on top, acoustic indie and the raindrops on the windowsill, etc. And well, yeah, I guess in reality, these things don't really exist, but being a student in statistics and having a discontent for false dichotomies, I realized that it can't be just black and white.
That leaves you. You are the grey. The person who will read this and realize that I have been searching for you all of my life.
And tonight is just terrible without you. I'm listening to my favorite playlist at the moment, it's called 13 Reasons Why I Miss You. Yeah, cringy, I know. But this one song, The Night We Met by Lord Huron. I hope that that's how we meet. Kind of broken and terrified, but knowing, as soon as we lay eyes on each other, that we have found our solution. One plus one won't lead to uncertainty and a question mark, but to a mathematical equation that actually makes sense. (This must be the realistic and pragmatic person still speaking. Apologies, I'm still drinking green tea with Marcus and getting to know him again.)
Well, this is me for tonight. I really miss you and I hope that you are doing okay tonight.
Love,
Light
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