October 23rd 2017
So, I thought I would start writing a blog about my life on Mibba. I have a lot of issues with not getting things off my chest, and keeping them, all locked up into I explode in a rather dangerous and dramatic fashion. Obviously, that’s not healthy at all. I need a vent, and instead of burdening my family and friends (hahahah “friends”), I thought I’d share my thoughts in a semi-anonymous fashion to the Mibba community.
Can’t do any harm, right?
Today was interesting, I guess. I was woken at 8am by someone banging on the window of my neighbour’s house for fifteen minutes before leaving. Ever since I moved into this house, I’ve been suspicious that those neighbours sold drugs. My bedroom window looks out onto their house so when I’m sat at my desk working I naturally see everything that happens outside their home. They get a lot of people in hoodies going to their house, staying for a minute or two and leaving. They’re also rowdy, obnoxious, and like to ride their motorcycle up and down the street even though our “street” is basically a path since the houses are old homes for heroes, so they’re quite close together. It’s annoying as hell, and witnessing an angry guy with a hood up bashing on their windows, throwing stones, and shouting is really not easing up the impression that they are good, non-crime committing people who totally don’t sell drugs.
I had a mild stress about university work (nothing new there), but I set up an assignment tracker and I’m feeling a bit more at easy about everything since I know when things are due. I’ve done one of my assignments for this term already and got a 90% so I’m feeling relatively confident for my future ones, but I am the last person on earth to get overly cocky so I’m not going to slack off on the upcoming course work at all. The group essay is starting to cause me a lot of stress. The group I’m with are all very good friends. Since I’m the new girl who recently transferred I didn’t have a group to work with on this essay, so one of them (after asking what my A-Level grades were I might add) asked me if I wanted to join theirs.
Now my mum was initially very nervous when I transferred universities. I went from a top 40 university to one in the top 70’s, and the entry grades are quite different to say the least. My last university needed A’s and B’s, this one needed D’s and C’s, with most people in my class doing a foundation year because they didn’t reach those target grades. I was disappointed in my A-Level grades, but I was incredibly sick (like in a hospital kind of sick) during my second year which meant I had to drop out and come back the next year. Unfortunately, the exam boards had all changed and my grades couldn’t be transferred over, so I had to do two years of A-Levels in one year. I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard in my life and I was a stress mess that almost broke me completely, but I came out of it with AS grades of AABB and A-Level grades of ABC (chemistry was never my strong subject). I was really annoyed at that, but I nailed my interview for my first-choice university (thank God, I have a weird knowledge on cave fish species in Mexico and Croatia) and got in despite the entry requirements being ABB.
So, when this guy asked me how I did in my A-Levels and I disappointedly explained that I had only got an ABC because I had to do it in one year rather than two, he was amazed and instantly asked me to join the group. Me, being little innocent me, presumed it was just because I was the new girl, but my mum said, after noting that despite my efforts to get the group to do work on the project and I ended up doing most of the first part on my own, that maybe they only asked me because I was smart.
It’s a bit disappointing and it’s a thing which happens so often. People tell me so much that I’m just too kind. And I used to see it as a compliment, but now I’m really questioning that. I got exploited a bit during my summer job, when people would use what I said to twist and use against other people, despite me saying nothing of the sort and it all getting taken out of hand. Luckily, I made good friends with my supervisor, who was a lot older than the teenagers who we worked with, and saw through all that and knew exactly what had happened. It got to the point that I was scared to come to work, but she interjected and stopped the rumour mill from churning out any more garbage.
In the past, stuff like that has always happened. People have always been my friend when it’s convenient to them, and it’s left me with next to know friends. I think in total I have three good friends. My boyfriend (Matty), my boyfriend’s best friend (Tom, who is now currently my housemate), and one of my boyfriend’s ex-housemates who he’s known since he was ten (Adam). See the theme here?
The only people I’ve stuck with have been people who have stood the test of time with my boyfriend. And I say I’ve stuck with when really, I should say, who have stuck with me. They’re all very understanding and emphatic, which is probably why they haven’t ditched me as others have. All three have had battles with mental health, albeit not to the level I have, but they understand the damage it can do in a completely unjudging manner. And honestly, I could probably vent to them, but I feel like I have something good going and would rather not risk it. Maybe when I’m of more sound mind I could talk, but for now, I’m fine as it is.
I also went to the gym today and demolished my body. I’m not meant to go running (I have a bad back and knee from two separate accidents) but there was only one machine free in the gym, so I thought I might as well run for twenty minutes until something else is free for me to use. I burnt over 200 calories in less than an hour so tomorrow I will really be feeling it. I’m glad when I come out of it and I’m a sweaty, tired mess because it means it’s working.
Anyway, this is my extended vent/blog for today. I hope this provides some form of healthy “therapy”, but I guess only time will tell.