I Do Better When I'm Not Okay

I've been in a consistent state of anxiety for the last two weeks, set off by some sort of migraine/seizure/I don't know what's wrong with me thing two Mondays ago. Anxiety and depression does something weird to me. I quickly nosedive into almost anything as a way to distract myself from what I feel is like a broken record going on in my mind. My house is clean, my homework is finished, my work schedule slammed, and I'm back to writing albeit dark shit.

Whenever I'm actually okay, I act pretty stupid I've realized. Those diary entries from the first few months out of high school have been ripped out of my journal collection because I wanted to punch myself in the face so badly. When I was okay I was blowing off my schoolwork to hang out with friends and make some other questionable decisions because I was feeling weightless for the first time in four years. Now this past year or so I've been okay and I've switched jobs (good decision) but I've also let my house get dirty and I haven't really tried to go back to school until recently (bad decisions). I have also stopped almost all my writing, and the few things I had managed to squeeze out seemed lifeless and were only because I was trying to sell them off to make a quick dollar.

I honestly feel like I do better when I'm not okay, as awful and masochistic as that sounds. I am trying to change my mood and calm myself back down, so maybe knowing this might make me more grounded when I come out of whatever this is.