Release.

Hello.
This is mainly just another rant blog. Pls ignore unless you feel compelled.

It's the eve of my birthday, which I always hated.
I've already cried, three times today about how pathetic and low I've sunk in life. I'm literally homeless, living in a basement at my mothers, being abused every damn day verbally and mentally.

I don't know what it is, but I feel like I deserve better from life. I constantly give up what I want, so others around me can be happy. I gave up writing to get a job for my family, Since doing that I find it really hard to write anything because for some stupid reason, I feel like Im betraying my family if I write anything. I feel like it's stealing my time from them, which is rightfully theirs, even though it isnt. It's my time. It's my escape. I feel trapped, like I can't breathe anymore.

I desperately try to be a better human. And all I get back is "Ha", from everyone around me. My friends, my family...It feels like Im invisible. I try to talk to my family, and they just throw money at me to make me go away. My partner is too wrapped up in his own life for me. My friends don't care about anything past the new stupid dating show on television and how Jaime and Brienne should have happened. Like ugh....I feel so alone and isolated.

I wish I had friends I could talk to about real life stuff...About my passions and interests where they wouldnt laugh at me and call me stupid. I wish I had anybody.

It's an odd feeling, to be so open to people, but have no one come knocking ever. I'd love to have friends I could go out to lunch with...I yearn to be a normal person, talking about abnormal things...normally. But go fucking damn it if I can't find one person on this earth that actually likes me for me, in any capacity, to spend time with me.

I legit offered one of my friends to come to dinner with me for my birthday and I'd pay, just because I miss them and their company (even though to be completely honest, they get on my nerves alot), And they said yes, and just now they bailed on me.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've applied for over 200 houses at this point. Im working a job I hate, with no room for creativity or passion. My daughter seems more and more distant from me everyday. My friends are all leaving me behind because Im not trendy anymore (IE; Their boss, so I guess we were never really friends at all...) My partner is too tired for me...I just don't know anymore.

I feel a lot like I did years ago. Like Im standing at the edge of a chasm, and I need to make a choice. Last time I chose wrong. I got on medication and shut myself down. And now it's the same, only there's no meds, no nothing to stop me from falling. There's more people around to help, but it's like they don't even see me. I have, no shit, actually said "Please, I need someone to talk to", and I get nothing back. I just get 'Seen', or more random pathetic gossip.

I just need someone to see me.
Please