where my day went wrong

not sure why im putting this on here, but ive gotta put it somewhere and i trust you guys. because i dont know most of you. anyway, i know ill either get sympathy or hatred and the way im feeling, either will make me feel less pointless.

so i was having a good day, imagine it, i was even smiling after probably flopping on the little mock test last lesson in psychology. hahaha, i thought, i fucked up.

then afterwards i was walking with sarah and daniel, who i fancy. couldnt get a word in, i couldnt even stand next to them. it was like i fucking wasnt even there. and you know what makes it worse? sarah already has a boyfriend. also called daniel, kinda funny there. anyway, shes suposed to be my best friend and she cant keep her eyes of any boy i like, even any girl i like and shes suposed to be straight. its "i could just kiss daniel!" or "ive got general studies with matt... id do a general study of him!" or "oooh look at her, shes well fit, you know you like her... hi! yeah *starts talking to her like besties*" and im so sick of it, its nearly a year since i had a boyfriend, itll be a year on the 23rd. i cant stand how everyone likes her and noone likes me and shes got a fucking boyfriend for fucks sake!

and on the bus! oh it just gets worse, there were so many people and i felt squashed and trapped and i had a fucking panic attack and she didnt even notice until i tapped her and managed to say "sarah, sarah i cant breathe!" thank fuck she knows that i have panic attacks coz i didnt make a sound. but she did help me to calm down some tho. still, there wasnt a seat and i didnt have enough oxygen or whatever so i was glad to get off the bus.

i went into tescos (right by the busstop) and sarah went her way to her house and i sat in the toilet calming down more and then i remembered (in the best details i can) last christmas eve eve when me and brian got high and what we did and then i was thinking about how much i miss him on the way home and i nearly got run over by a car with no headlights (its been getting dark around 4) and the driver fucking yelled at me and so i came home and theres noone home

and i havent eaten anything more than todays advent calendar chocolate and a marmite sandwich. the bread weve got is small, too. so i went to make a sandwich and the bowl of leftover chicken fell out, its not mine im a vegetarian, its my parents. it spilled all over the floor and i had to pick it up and wash it and it was fucking disgusting and chickeny and stinky like meat and so when i did that i washed my hands with soap and hot water. its the only thing im ocdish about. then i came upstairs and felt sick so i nearly threw up my pathetic lunch and you know i never made that sandwich and im not gonna. i feel so ill. so anyway i washed my hands again with hot water.

and right now im sitting here wiping this fresh cut on my leg. i bet youre wondering how that got there. lets just say i wear short sleeves to school nowadays. and the tissue im wiping it with had nail varnish remover on it, i mean more pain less damage, right? theres no acetone in it, but the ingredients are isopropyl alcohol, mek, ethyl acetate, aqua, caprylic/capric triglyceride, parfum, glycerin, panthenol, tocopheryl acetate and ci 42051. maybe its cl idk. anyway, the warning says avoid contact with skin, so i guess i shouldnt really be dabbing it into my cut.

its stopped bleeding now, but that stuff seemed to make it bleed more, im throwing away a second tissue all bloody. i think ill reopen it in a second, it stopped hurting. dont worry, if you even believe me (i mean, weve all seen enough fakers of this) its really not deep. just a scratch, with a stanley knife. its not deep.

okay this is so gross i just realised that reopening it was not a good idea its bleeding again. haha oops. you probably wont believe me, i mean, who tells people this kind of thing? someone who wouldnt dare tell anyone they know, thats who.

so think im pitiful or think im an attention seeker, its probably a mixture of both, coz i would really like to know that my life isnt pointless right now. i mean... he left nearly a year ago...