well im not depressed, but i dont seem to be able to be happy with things as they stand.
i havent been on here for a while *ashamed* im sorry but ive been busy and it musta slipped my mind, i didnt realise how long it had been.
so anyway, my ex boyfriend tommy who moved in with his dad to go to a better college still lives on the other side of london and still lives round here with his mum on weekends n holidays. and he got himself a new girlfriend. and i have to admit ive been being his bit on the side.
i know, its stupid and disgusting and i should be ashamed of myself. i am.
but then guess what happened? they broke up. well... he said to her about them being broken up for the holidays, and maybe they should do that at the weekends too? and they had a fight and broke up and then her brother (big and scary apparently) floored tommy in one punch. lovely black eye hes got...
so i have him all to myself. but today i realised i dont actually want him. not on a permanant basis. which i why i didnt mind sharing him. but if i have his complete undivided attention... he deserves mine. im so messed up. i actually have a potential boyfriend, bear in mind that ive been single since before last christmas, over a year ago, and i was so desperate for affection that i didnt mind being used, (correction - dont), but i dont want him. i want someone i cant have.
and as per fucking usual, i cant say it. i cant tell tommy that i care about him (i really really care about him...) because i just stutter and blush, yet i dont blush half as much when he says his gonna buy me a collar and a leash and cat ears and tail. ive always had a problem talking about how i feel...
and the person i cant have? dont think they like me. they used to like me, thats the worst thing, they used to tell me they love me and mean it like that and now were friends. maybe they still like me like that, but like me theyre too scared to say anything in case they look stupid/ruin the friendship with the person they couldnt bear to lose. wishful thinking?
you know i cant even put it in writing? the stutter and all is gone, the embarrasment of admitting to having feeling face to face... but its disconnected. a text, and email, how am i to know theyre reaction? you cant take it back... i cant do it.
and yes, i said admitting to having feelings. my old nickname was snowflake... i never cry in public (apart from the odd occasion where ive broken down in the cubicle in the ladies and someones forced me to come out and talk.) because im weird like that. i... i dont like it. its weak, maybe. its admitting that i have weaknesses and what they are.
anyway... i dont know why im saying this. probably coz ive never met any of you so i dont care how you react. except... my friends on here. but they all know im crazy and emotionally unbalenced XD
what would kill me right now would be if tommy or the other person read this and knew who i meant. ive only ever been in love twice. actually, the first person i loved, if he read this and know it was me writing, that would kill me too XD
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