I havn't made an entry in what feels like years. I only tend to write in when I'm unhappy.
After all this time, I'm still in love with him. I don't know what else to say. I'm so angry at myself for still feeling like this but I can't help it. I've tried everything to get my mind off him and not love him anymore; drugs, sex with strangers, sex with friends, going out every single night, hating him, drinking myself stupid, trying to like other people, not eating, writing etc...
I'm at a loose end of what to do. I mean, the guy has done nothing wrong. He's happy with someone else and I don't feel jealous. It's only when I think back to that small ray of happiness that I had when I was with him do I feel like shit and see just how happy he would make me. It brings me to tears every single time. Without a doubt.
This has all been going on for so long now. I'm tired. I need to sleep. Sleep for months and months and wake up and go back to how I was the day before I met him. I got so desperate at one point that I had my phone in my hand ready to call my ex that I was with for 2 1/2 years and get him to take me back just so I'd be loved again...by someone. Common sense told me I'd hate myself if I did not to mention I'd have to give up Suzi again...I wouldn't do that for the world. That girl is my rock.
I just feel so forgotten and lonely. I wear the beads that I brought when I was on holiday every single day just as a reminder of what it cost to go there.
I can't really bare to write much more. I know I need a good hug from somebody though.
Too much isn't enough
January 25th, 2008 at 09:20pm