Issues...

Ugh. I'm tired and I don't wanna go to school tomorrow. Anyway, I have so many problems lately. I want to talk to someone so bad, but none of my friends are online. Plus, technically my problems are about someone else, so I'm not allowed to tell anyone anyway... Why is everything always so confusing?

My life. Everything seams wrong. Well, I have so much to be thankful for. And I am grateful for everything I have. But, there is so many things that are wrong. And I have no one to talk to about any of it. My mom won't listen she just tells me to focus on the positive, not the negative, but it's hard. Nothing positive has happened lately. Well, I guess some things, but the negative seams to over-shadow the positive.

Family. Well, my parents our divorced, they have been since I was a baby, so I'm used to it. I don't see my dad much. Which I don't really mind because he's such an asshole, but even though we live so far away from each other he still always manages to find ways to hurt me. For Christmas, I didn't get anything from him, yet I listened to my little brother and sister rant about all the wonderful gifts they received. Whatever.

My mom and step-dad were fighting yesterday. My mom can be so impossible sometimes. It scares me when they talk about splitting up. He is like a father to me, I consider him my father. If they were to split up then I would never see them and that scares the shit out of me. Well, everything's fine now, but my mom and I don't always get along. I mean we fight a lot. It's more me than her causing the problems, I've been very hard to deal with lately. Anyway, I don't know how long he can take us. I can't even stand our arguments, but I have to deal with it. He doesn't, so how long will he? Well, it's all good now, so I shall just be happy about that.

Friends. I'm trying to fix my problems with my friends. It's hard though. I never know what I can tell them without them getting upset with me. Well, they're there for me and that's all that counts. I am so afraid I'm gonna do something to piss them off so much that they won't wanna be my friend anymore. Half the time if I was them I wouldn't even want to be my friend anymore. That leads me to my third issue...

Myself. I hate myself. Well, maybe not hate, but strong dislike. I wish I was prettier, nicer, smarter, and that I knew when to keep my mouth shut. I wish I wasn't so obsessed with wanting people to like me. I know I shouldn't care what they think, but I do. Sometimes I will get so upset about something or someone, and I will actually think if I did something drastic like self-harm , would they change? Would they be nicer, would they regret being mean? I'm messed up, not just because of that. I just, I don't know some of the things I think about are pretty fucked up...

Boys. My mom works at a school for emotionally disturbed teenagers. This guy I saw at a school dance and started to like is now going there. I'm not supposed to tell anyone, though. That is why I can't talk to my friends about this. Anyway, the guy I like is a new kid at my mom's school, he doesn't know anyone. I do. This should work out great for me, right? Wrong... He's gay. That's why he's there... The guy I used to like depressed me so much, but at least there was that 1% chance he liked me. I had hope. Now, I don't even have that. My new goal is to be this kids best friends. So, hopefully that will work.

So that's my depressing life... lol I really do need to look on the brighter side... Anyway much love to all who read. Thanks for listening to my rant.

peace =D