My 18th Birthday

My best mate Taylor had to head back to Kirky, as he had work to go to. I, however, had the day off work and was making damn well sure that I could get as hammered as possible and still stay conscious.

Kind of…

I went up to Queen Street station to meet Andy, as he had previous engagements for the night ahead, and had planned to come out drinking with me in the afternoon. We headed straight to the Counting House to get some cheap drinks in. Without any hesitation, he offered to buy me a Corona.

Score one for me.

Because the price of a Corona was really cheap in the Counting House compared to everywhere else, he then paid for a pitcher of some cocktail…something Reef as far as I can remember. Now this cocktail was something of a marvel to us both. It tastes insanely familiar to us both. So familiar in fact, that it had us arguing over what childhood sweet it tasted like. I think we finally settled on some flavour of Starburst, but again, I can't be certain.

Not having any food all day (yet again) had 'caused the minimal amounts of alcohol to start taking effect and Andy concurred. With nothing else to do I walked down to Central Station with him so he could meet his friends, as it was now after 4. Once I had departed the vicinity, I was clueless as to what I should do with myself.

I went to Sainsbury's and bought a keg.

The keg kept me company for a good hour or so before Wadey arrived at the hotel room. With him, he brought our good friends marijuana, tobacco and Rizla. Those three just know how to spice up the festivities. The only problem with this was that neither of us is well known for our rolling skills, just our consumption skills. We rolled the shittiest joints known to man. His being the shittiest and mine being the second shittiest.

Unfortunately for us I had booked a non-smoking room, meaning we had to go outside to smoke them, and find a suitable place to smoke them that wouldn't land us in trouble with the police. It was freezing outside too, so this put a dampener on our prospects. Not for long though. Once we got those bad boys sparked up, we were having the time of our life. I don't know where he got this stuff, but it was far stronger than anything I'd ever smoked before. It hit me really quickly, and it was all a good buzz. Halfway through smoking them Wadey received a text from Peachy, asking what he was up to during the course of the evening. As Wadey was pretty mashed by this point, he opted to phone Peachy back and converse with him properly.

All of a sudden, my phone starts ringing. Wadey and I look at each other, as if to say "that's a coincidence" and smirk slightly. It's only when I see the caller ID that it becomes clear to me just why it was such a coincidence. The fool was phoning me. This didn't embarrass him though. Instead, the both of us started singing the boss theme tune from Sonic 2 (it was my ringtone at the time) down the phone to each other, accompanied by a merry jig.

We were baked. Period.

The theme tune managed to lodge itself in both of our cerebral cortex's (I have no idea if that's the correct term, but I'll roll with it) and as we were heading back to the hotel room, continued to sing it. This prompted Wadey to start recording a video of the current situation, and then talk to a window at the side of the hotel. Completely inconspicuous, really. My wary state of mind prompted Wadey to "Shut the fuck up" as we "have only been gone for 15 minutes" and the hotel staff "are well gonna know we're baked" and "kick us out of the hotel". Wadey simply covered the camera on his phone with his hand, so he could continue his recording, and when we entered the lift, immediately uncovered it. It was at this point we belted out with another rendition of the boss theme tune, with another – only this time insanely shite – merry jig.

The video continued on into the hall of the first floor, where he decided to try and film through the peephole of the closest room to him. Meanwhile, back in the life of me, walking down the corridor became rather relaxing; so much so that I passed room 104, having to turn back to let us both in. Once inside, I went back to the keg, and got some more beer. Unfortunately there were no pint glasses in the room so I was using a small glass; not ideal as it meant the head on the beer was fucking massive.

The next situation I find myself in is lying on one of the beds, stretching over to reach the unit. My hand misses the unit, 'causing my momentum to slowly tip me over. This results in me no longer becoming stationary, and gradually increasing my velocity towards the carpet.

In dumbspeak, I fell off the bed.

Wadey was in fits of laughter at this when he spotted me. I couldn't care less, and proclaimed to him that my position was rather relaxing as well as comfy. I'm not quite sure what happened next, but I spotted Wadey reading a book. Some sort of tour guide for Glasgow I think.

We fell asleep.

Taylor phoned me at about 9, saying that he was just in town with Ross Mac. This was my queue to begin getting changed into my suit, to head out to Yates's to meet my friend Gary and my cousin Ross. Once in my suit, Wadey began to feel insanely underdressed, and was actually quite jealous of the way I looked. As many people may already know, my ego doesn't need boosting, but knowing that my friend was clearly jealous made me feel fantastic.

I had to make sure that I was in a good state for going out, but I will tell you this; brushing your teeth when you're drunk is horrible.

About 30 seconds after leaving the lobby, Wadey and I bumped into Taylor and Ross Mac. We then exchanged insults and carried on in our respective directions. I'm not too sure if it was raining or not, but I remember it was rather chilly. I also remember Wadey pretending to be my 'minder' and would constantly ward people away from me, as if I was someone really important. I say 'as if I was someone really important', when really I should be saying 'because I am someone really important'. Egomania here I come.

I can't really remember the 15 minute walk all the way up to Yates's, but I know it took longer as I had forgot my ID and had to head back to the hotel. Luckily we hadn't walked too far by this point.

At this moment in time I'd like to inform you all that I had a dream I was a cow the night before this. All I did was shag every other cow then hide from the paparazzi.

In Yates's, I met Gary and Ross. I was looking forward to seeing Gary as I hold him in high regard for being one of the funniest people I know, if not the funniest. I had text him earlier on in the day asking if he was coming out for my birthday. His reply was 'Does the Pope shit in the woods?' and even if the answer to that is no, I still knew he meant yes.

The only memorable moment in Yates's (other than having people buy me drinks again), was the fat chick that could be seen over Ross's shoulders, and the skinny guy who had his hand right down the back of her jeans. The only thing any of us could point out was that his hand was probably covered in shite. No offence to the fat chick or anything, but she just didn't come across as the kind of girl who would be…well…clean. In fact, there was another memorable moment; consulting Neil on any boy that walked by. He pretty much insulted every boy – even the owner of the place – other than his college friend, who I'm sure I had met before.

We headed down the road to the ABC and because it was still before 11.30pm, the young guns with student cards were allowed in for free.

The place was pretty empty, but I wasn't worried. I know what the ABC is like, and the only reason we headed down early was so that I could get in for free. We sat in the couches in the middle floor, which I never knew existed, at which point my mate from work turned up. Mark is a complete riot when he's hammered, phoning everyone in his phone book, leaving voicemails and then contacting them through Bebo. Kudos to him for it though, the boy hasn't been able to drink at all (as in ever) up until October just passed. He also had a friend with him, the name of which slips my mind unfortunately.

I have no idea how much I drank, but my memory skips quite a large period of time. There was something about a midget and Ross shouting "HIGH FIVE!" though.

I find myself on the dancefloor, arguing with some wee prick. I can't remember what pissed me off about him, but all his friends were trying their hardest to calm me down, saying that he was sorry and didn't want any trouble. Taylor and Ross Mac however, were 100% behind me if anything went down and to be perfectly honest I think they were hoping for something. If there's one thing I've not had in a while it's a good old fashioned punch up.

I think in the end that wee guy bought me a drink in return for me not kicking the shit out of him. Win/win situation I guess.

My next memory is being kissed by two girls (yes ano its minging) and Taylor taking a picture of it. Apparently he had been roaming around the place and looking for attractive girls to get their picture taken with me; using me as an excuse to start a conversation with them. I, on the other hand, was far too fucked to care wither they where of the male gendar. All I wanted to do was consume more alcohol and get legless, in an attempt to emulate New Year. Ross, Neil, Gary and Wadey had all left by this point, so Taylor, Ross Mac, Mark and his mate were the only people left.

I vaguely remember being outside in the smoking area looking for Mark. I think he was talking to some tattooed fat guy.

Back inside, my memory jumps to a scene that I can't believe I got away with.

There was a barrier of some kind, on a risen platform, that I made use of by climbing it, and standing on top of it. This barrier was really quite thin and I could have fallen off (probably breaking something in the process) very easily. However, I had my priorities straight. I called Ross Mac over, as I could see over everyone in the place, and then told him to open his mouth. It was at this point I started pouring my beer into his mouth, singing loudly to the music that was on. There were two boys below me (I think), along with a bouncer. I pleaded my case to the bouncer as follows:

"IT'SH MY BIRSHDAY *hic* SHO DON'T KICK ME OUT IF I COMES DOWN OK?!"

Subtle, yet effective, no?

I then find myself back to the first girls I had my picture taken with, and was hugging them, talking to them, having a laugh with them too.

We had bantar for awhile, I think one of them was gay as well.

Outside, I started talking to policemen, making enquiries as to what male police officers were working tonight, for obvious reasons.

On the walk back to the hotel I came across more boys. Drunk as a skunk, I did what any noble man would have done.

I pulled them.

Next, I'm in McDonalds:

"Can I have four Cheeseburgers?"
"WE NO HAVE CHEESEBURGER"
"CAN I HAVE FOUR CHEESEBURGERS?!"
"WE! NO! HAVE! CHEESEBURGER!"
"WHY THE FUCK NOT?!"
"…"
"Can I have two quarter pounders?"
"HOKAI"
"IS THERE CHEESE ON THEM?!"
"Yaaa"
"Since when did McDonalds stay open this late?"
"Iunno…"

It's obvious why they make immigrants work the late shifts.

Next, I find myself in a chippy with Ross Mac. No idea where Taylor is, but I'm sure he was with us not that long ago.

Back in the room, Ross Mac falls asleep in the bath, I KO in my suit and Taylor KO's looking like something from The OC.

When I wake up, I grab a bottle of Red Square, then head down the reception to get a pen, so I can fill out the express check out form.

With no shoes on, and half a suit, I stagger out the lift, to an audience of about fifteen foreign people, some who look pretty minted, and the staff behind the desk. Some women giggle, I stagger some more and an old man looks at me with discouragement. In response, I blurt out with:

"IT WAS MY BIRSHDAY LAST NIGHT!" and take a swig out the bottle.

Judging by the first impression I just gave, I should be a Scottish ambassador.

"Visit Scotland - Home of the alcoholic."

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