I'm really upset today and I don't know why.

I don't even know why I'm bothering to write this since no-one's probably ever going to read it but I feel like I have to say something. Recently I've just had this... this total lack of enthusiasm for life in any form. I've had this for about a year now. I just don't have any creative energy. I used to be always so creative and always having lots of things to do, lots of ideas for drawings and songs and poems and all. I had little blips here and there where I got depressed and couldn't think of anything, but they never lasted long and they were really easy to get over. Then they became more frequent, and now it feels like I've just resigned myself to the fact that I've lost all my creativity.

It's affecting everything. I used to come home everyday and just play my guitar for hours and be really happy. My fingers were killing me, but I just didn't care. I loved doing it, and I was desperate to get a band together, have some fun. But now it's rare if I play for ten minutes a week. I can't get a band together. This is really depressing me because I love music so much and being in a band is what I want to do.

I think part of the reason I don't play my guitar anymore is that I'm very conscious of the fact that everyone in my house can hear me when I play, and I feel like my family are judging me and thinking what a terrible guitarist I am. I know it;s stupid, but that's how I feel.

Then there's art. I used to be really good at art, both at home and at school but now... My grade in Art had fallen dramatically because I just can't seem to tune into that creative part of my mind. And no-one else seems to have that problem, and I'm getting in trouble because of my grades falling adn everyone's asking me why, and I don't know what to say. I feel like I can't draw anymore. It's like, I bring my art folder home over the weekend with the intention to do some sketches, but I just don't feel inspired at all. When I do force myself to sit down and do some, my drawings are crap. I feel like I can't draw. I'm not just saying that my drawings are crap, my teacher thinks so too, though obviously she put it more tactfully than that.

And it's weird, because it's not like me at all. I am a creative person, I know that. But I just can't seem to... do anything.

I had depression a few years back which I only really got over in the past year, and I'm really scared that it's coming back. It's not as bad as that yet though, I'm not suicidal and I don't think I will be ever again, but I'm just sick of myself.

I'm taking things easy, listening to music and stuff to try to get better, and I really hope I do soon, because this is really hurting me.

If you've ever felt the same way or you have anything that might help me, please comment, I need your support.