THE PAST AINT THROUGH WITH YOU

THIS ONE IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE....

TODAY IS THE ANIVERSARYOF A NIGHTMARE THAT I CAN'T SEEM TO WAKE MY SELF UP FROM. IT'S ALWAYS HARD BUT IM GETTING BETTER AT IT.

FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS WHEN IT WAS MAY I WOULD DISAPEAR FOR ALMOST THE WHOLE MONTH, HIDDING UNDER A ROCK. I COULN'T STAND EVERY ONE LOOKING AT ME AND BEING SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS ME. I NEVER DID LIKE THAT, FINALLY IT SEEMS THAT EVERY ONE ELS HAS FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS DAY BUT THEN WHY CAN'T I? MY MIND TORCHERS ME AS MEMORY'S OF THE PAST BEGIN TO REPLAY IN MY HEAD LIKE SOME BAD BLACK AND WHITE FILM. AS MUCH AS I TRY TO REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES INSTED OF THE BAD IT DOESN'T SEEM TO WORK. YET AGAIN I FIND MY SELF TOSSING AND TURNING ALL THROUGH OUT THE NIGHT; THEN FINALLY WHEN I THINK I MIGHT JUST FALL ASLEEP I SEE HIM LYING IN THAT COFFIN, I HEAR THE CRYES OF EVERY ONE AROUND ME...HE'S BROTHER TELLING HIM TO WAKE UP AND GET UP. I HARDLY REMEMBER FACES FROM THAT DAY, I MOSTLY REMEMBER SHOES ALL THOUGH THEY WERE ALL BLURRED BUT I REMEMBER SHOES AND THE WOODEN FLOOR TO THE MORTUARY.

THIS IS ONE OF THE MEMORY'S THAT I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER SO VIVIDLY. FROM ME WALKING TOWARD THE ENTRANCE OF THE MORTUARY HAND IN HAND WITH MY SISTER, THINKING THAT ATLEAST I HAD SOME ONE TO HELP ME KEEP STANDING. I WAS WRONG I GUESS MY SISTER COULN'T STAND TO SEE ME IN SO MUCH PAIN SHE HAD TO STEP OUT.I REMEMBER FEELING THAT NERVOUSENESS AT THE PIT OF MY STOMACH, YOU KNOW THE ONE WHEN YOUR SENT TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE; YEAH THAT'S THE ONE. SOON I WAS SITTING ON A BENCH WITH MY HEAD IN MY HANDS, NIEVELY THINKING LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD; HOPPING THAT IF I COULN'T SEE THEM THEN MAYBE THEY COULN'T SEE ME. I REMEMBER HUGGING SO MANY PEOPLE SOME I DIN'T EVEN KNOW. WHAT HURT THE MOST WAS TO SEE ENRIQUE'S FACE, SO BLANK AND EMOTIONLESS I GUESS HE WAS HOPPING THE SAME THING I WAS THAT IT WAS JUST A DREAM AND SOON MY ALARM WOULD GO OFF AND ID WAKE UP.

IM STILL SITTING HERE WAITING FOR MY ALARM TO GO OFF.
IT'S THE HARSH REALITY THAT IV HAD TO DEAL WITH THAT HAUNT'S ME THE MOST. THE FACT THAT DEEP DOWN I KNOW IT'S NOT A DREAM.EVERY YEAR I FEEL THE SAME NEED TO JUST RUN AND TRY TO LEAVE EVERY THING BEHIND, BUT I KNOW I CAN'T IT WILL ONLY CATCH UP TO ME. IT'S BEEN FIVE YEARS AND YET I FEEL AS IF IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY I STAYED HOME FROM SCHOOL BECAUSE I COULN'T FACE EVERY ONE LOOKING AT ME. I STILL REMEMBER WHEN I FOUND OUT I DIN'T WANT TO BELIEVE ANY ONE. I GOT SO MAD AND THOUGHT THEY WERE ALL BEING ASS HOLES. THEN WHEN I REALIZED THEY WEREN'T LYING I JUST HAD TO GET OUT. I COULN'T TAKE IT, I ALSO COULN'T BELIEVE IT I HAD JUST TALKED TO HIM THE NIGHT BEFORE.

I GUESS IN A WAY MY WOUND IS HEALING I CAN' ACTUALLY WRITE ABOUT IT NOW. BEFORE I COULN'T EVEN RE-READ WHAT I WROTE IN MY JOURNAL WITH OUT BURSTING IN TO TEARS.

-LIKE I SAID THIS WAS A LONG ONE; IF YOU HAVE READ IT ALL I APRECIATE IT. THANK YOU, TRUST ME THERE IS MORE TO WRITE BUT AT THE MOMENT I KNOW I HAVE TO STOP.