Alone.

Have you ever felt alone?

Where in a house of disfunction, you feel everyone's against you...and you just can't seem to fit in with your own family sometimes?

Well...that idea has just become a reality for me.

In every family, people fight. You can't deny it...at least you've had a little spiff with someone you care about and have known for a while.

My father and I have never been completley on the same page. He thinks I'm still three, and truly doesn't try or want to understand me. He lives in his little bubble obsessed with the past...and never likes his schedule interupted.

We don't hang out much...but after a bridal shower today I needed to get out of the house. Mom was off to bed, and I decided to ask Dad if I could go with him to see my Grandma in the nursing home since he was headed there. All he did was make excuses and moan about having to do errands and "maybe doing something after. I don't know how long it'll be there so we can't plan anything". It was like he wasn't inviting me, but instead shunning me. I'm his daughter! And that hurt...even though we never get along and he always rags and busts on me for everything. It hurt. He hasn't said "I Love You" to me without instigating it since I was a little girl. I just don't know how to reach him.

Mom and I are usually really good friends. She's always tired all the time...always. We do hang out, but we're starting to get into fights more and more. Like Gilmore Girls after the first season. Today, right after dad left and we talked about how it upset me, she goes on the speech about how shes gonna throw away all my stuff if I don't clean it up.

I just had recieved a gift of a whole new bedroom set from a deceased great aunt, and I was in the process of moving everything back in. She went on a rage and didn't respect the fact I'd been trying to do a little bit every day or so.

She went to sleep, and I started cleaning, watching The Baby Borrowers on WE TV. I just felt so....alone. Like no one cared. If I thought completley rationally, I knew they did and all...but emotionally...I was really hurt.

But thats how life is around here....
Dad goes in his special room and doesn't talk to me unless to yell about something wrong in the house...and Mom and I try not to fight, but me having to speak louder because she can't hear as well anymore causes her to think I have attitude in my voice...which truthfully I'm not trying to have. I'm just speaking louder so she can hear it.

When mom and dad fight, Dad gets pissy to me...and mom yells at me more and wants me to be more responsible because my dad is lacking in his jobs around the house.
I say to her sometimes "Why do you get mad at me for not doing dad's jobs?"
She always replies "dad works a lot"
"But five minutes ago you were complaining he does nothing" I say in reply.
"Well I'm the adult here"
I hate when a parent says that. It's like they're trying to out do me.

I'm actually completely wrapping my head around the fact we are a disfunctional family.
I wonder why it took me so freakin' long.
Oh well.

Note: I'm not a bad kid. I study hard in school, volounteer in nursing homes and in dog shelters once in a while, and I try my best in everything I do...even if I'm not perfect at it.
I just don't get why I can't get along with my parents to some extent where neither of us are angry and it leaves me with tears almost every day.
I don't get it.
This is my vernting for today.