Impression Without Expression Leads to Depression

What makes my situation all the more depressing is that being gay is socially acceptable, up to a point. It's okay to be like this now, for anyone. But I can't accept this world's approval. The world isn't really overrated, underrated probably fits just fine. From a Christian view, I am taught to be apart from this world and this only really adds to my predicament: I can't act on this. Chu Hien said that an 'Impression without Expression leads to Depression,' which I really do agree with. Because I can't act on this "impression", or rather feeling, I’m super depressed. It's just perfect how things always turn out for me. It's wonderful how "being yourself" and "doing the right thing" are such essential facts of happiness, but yet are so contradictory to each other. The strangest thing is that even though I know this is a huge deal to me, I have sometimes almost let it slip. Last Sunday, I was beaming coming into church: smiling like an idiot because Lindsay told me she loved me the night before and I almost let that slip to Lisa. It's so weird how in a second you whole life could change, but I guess that is for a lot of things. One time, when Amy and I were talking about gays, she said that it just changes your whole opinion about the person. But honestly, that's bullshit. I mean anything that someone does can change your opinion of them at any time and place. Just someone speaking to you rudely or nicely or whatever can really change how you view them. So it's not just because of them being gay, because it's not that huge of a deal to you, even though it is to them. Something like that shouldn't change a person's opinion of anyone else and definitely not in a bad way, but I guess it's inevitable because shit happens. You can't stop yourself from feeling how you do about someone, but you can sure control your actions. So I just hope that when and if I do admit my secret, people will understand enough to keep their negative opinions to themselves and to, most importantly, not hate me to death. I could possibly die from being hated so much, I’m relatively sure of that. You know when you find a song that really fits your situation, like it was written for you, or rather, that the writer was going through the exact same thing no matter what the critics say that song really means? I guess that's the thing about music and anything really, like when you over analyze something till it fits just about any situation. If that's the case then what does it mean when everything just fits? It's like one huge blob. Well, Marie Digby's song Unfold sounds just like what I’m going though. It talks about how she's 'unfolding': showing people her imperfections. This is so stupid because what kind of problems could she have? I mean if your straight that's it right? What kind of imperfections could you show? 'Cause I’m confused at what those imperfections could be. So what, she was fat? BIG DEAL! Imagine standing in front of people about to tell them your deepest and darkest secret (not that you’re fat), now THAT is scary. It's kind of sad how my problem seems so big that nothing else is big enough to even count as an issue to me, which I’m sure is not the case, 'cause I bet a lot of people have bigger problems. I wish I could make myself believe that as much as my mind knows it has to be true, it seems to rule out that fact 'cause this problem is too big to look past. Sometimes I don't see the necessity of having opposite sexes, like it'd be nice to just all be one. I mean okay so we'd have sexual tension with everyone, but I bet being able to love anyone would make up for that. I’ve been forced into thinking about my future recently and well I still don't know what I’m going to do, or even what I want to do. It's a shame that what you're going to do and what you want to do are different things all-together. If I could, I know I’d run away. I guess it might be weird coming from a kid who has no academic problems, but it's just that I hate society sometimes and I hate how I have to go to school my whole life, just so I can get a good job, for whatever is left of my life. Life is so much more than education and jobs and being a productive part of society ('cause God knows we all want to do that so bad -.-). I want to feel the wind on my face as I cruise down a deserted highway, I want to feel the adrenaline pump through my veins as I jump off a cliff, I want to feel the possibilities walking along the streets of New York at night, but most importantly, I want to do all this with someone: someone important. I know I’ll end up with someone amazing who will be perfect and love me just as much as I love them, but I would really much prefer it if God sped up his process. I guess I’m still waiting for that boy. That boy that will sweep me off my feet and make me forget all about my past feelings. My whole life I’ve waited for him to come and I hope he still is, because if he isn't I don't think I have a backup plan and I just might fall into the trap. Well, Lisa definitely thinks something's up. It's amazing sort of, I don't give her observation skills enough credit really. Today she was just talking about Marie Digby and I felt so close to her, just because we could relate and I sent her what Lindsay said, about how she loved me and shit. Well I explained to Lisa about how I didn't feel the same and how I let Lindsay know that and stuff, but I still don't think Lisa bought it. She was just like 'oh just don't let yourself get tempted'. I really don't give her enough credit and I’m sort of mad about this, but on the other hand I’m really glad she noticed, I mean could I be more obvious? I think when it comes to GAYS, Christians block it out. It's like even if everything pointed to that reason; most Christians force it out of their minds and try to convince themselves that it's not, like it's not even an option because it's too pitiful and low. But geez realistically, it's a huge thing. I mean one out of ten people are gay and that's a big deal, because that's still too many. It's just like how church never mentions gays because it's such a touchy subject and why is that? I bet it's because the pastors know that 10% or his congregation is secretly gay and he secretly knows that it's such a big deal that he just shouldn't mention it or he'd get on peoples nerves, even though being gay 'shouldn't' be a big problem to surpass. BULLSHIT. I love the quote "Love is giving someone the power to break you". It's kind of the negative side of love, but I love it so much. Well I was reading New Moon and it just seemed so out of place: such a nice quote in the middle of a vampire book. I'm not so sure why that is either; because I'm sure vampires deserve love. Possibly as much as gays do... It's like saying that everyone deserves love from anyone else, if it's true and pure? Is it possible that pedophiles, or so we call them, truly love? What if someone was to love a 12 year old at 30, but if it was true is it right? Of course the answer to these questions is no I guess. I don't know, maybe society programmed us to think this way, maybe a 60 year difference shouldn't even matter if it's love, it's possible. If maybe one day love could just be love no matter who it came from, maybe that's that is what creates a better world for everyone, just because we're not so limited and not persecuted because of choice.