Walls

So I'm crying again
Despite my best efforts
I'm crying.

And you told me to tell you
Whenever I feel hopeless,
Lost, broken, sad, angry,
Hurt, helpless, scared,
You told me to tell you

But you've forgotten
Just how long I've been
Putting up this front
And even if it's feeble
Even when you see right through it
As you're more apt to do lately,
Old habits really do die hard.

Still I try, really I do
I want to tell you
I want you to know
To hold me
To make it better
I want you on my side
I want it so badly it hurts

But whenever I open
My traitorous mouth
My throat closes
And I can't breath
And my heart races
And my mind slows
And my lips,
My stupid, dishonest lips
Won't let anything out
Except those lies
The ones they're so used to telling

"I don't know what's wrong."
"I just felt like crying."
"I'm PMSing, stupid."
"I'm not crying, there's something in my eye."
"I'm fine."
"I just yawned, of course my eyes water."
"I have to sneeze is all."

And you frown at me,
And you shake your head.
And you beg me,
Yell at me,
Reason with me,
Try, try, try,
Try to get me to be honest.

And I begin crying harder
And I try to explain
But I can't
Because my stupid lips
They won't let the words pass

And you sigh
And you frown
And you leave hurt
Because you can't,
Try as you might,
Break down the walls
Which guard my fragile heart.
But it won't break
Not even for you.

And you don't even realize
That I'm trying just as hard
To break down that same wall
From the other side