being me

You deserted me.
The one time I needed you and you weren’t there.
Now, I’m always smiling.
Did you even notice?
Did you see the difference in me?
Didn’t think so?
All the scars I’ve caused, and you'd barely notice.
Not unless I wanted you to.
But something changed.
I wasn't ashamed of them.
I didn't mind people seeing them.
For the first time in years, it didn't matter to me.
But then I carried on.
Life got worse.
I couldn’t stop drinking.
I couldn't stop cutting.
I couldn't stop wanting life to end.
Day by day life got harder.
It took so much effort to do anything
Drink made it feel better.
Drink let me at least make it seem like I was happy.
But it took its toll on me.
Made it harder to keep up the image every day.
Why do you think I wanted to sleep so much?
I used so much energy just to try and be 'me' I couldn't help it.