Sweet Lullaby

it used to be dark last year. it used to be really dark. i would just sit on my bed for hours trying to figure out my due date and my goals in those two little weeks. and when i wasn’t figuring, i would be slashing. see how deep i can go. see how long i can last. see if i can go to my veins. i wasn’t scared to see. i knew i wouldn’t go too long.

i fell down on my knees when you asked me whats wrong. i couldn’t answer you and you screamed at me for not replying. tears started forming for both of us and we were so twisted inside back then that we didn’t know what to do but blame ourselves. it wasn’t your fault. i say it’s your fault. but it’s not.

when i got dragged into the hospital, you just smiled at me and grabbed my hands. said, “i love you. i’m sorry for causing this. please get better.” and that nearly just killed my heart. right there like that.

so i began listing things i want to apologize to you.
all the pain i caused on your weak body.
i have a lot of things i want to apologize to you.
but my vocal chords are cut off.

and when you came for me, i ran into your arms.
you kissed my cheeks. my hair. my eyes.
like that like that like that.